Measurements

When I was working in public relations and event marketing measurement was always a hot topic. How do you know if you are moving the needle? Do How to you quantify how many people saw your message? How many responded to it? How effective it was? Blah, blah, blah...

It becomes a challenge to constantly try to prove the merit of your programs and to justify the budget expenditure. I am sure that has only gotten harder as the economy has turned and the new corporate buzzword is belt-tightening. That is certainly one thing I don't miss.

I will say that I often find myself looking for that same measurement in my current job. How do I know my programs (discipline, play, learning, household management) are working? Is my target audience (Emelia, Sam, Jeff) responding? How effective is my message ("don't throw things", "poop in the potty", "eat more vegetables", "what are you thankful for today")? It is funny because I have better measurement tools now. I have real-time feedback and a very vocal (albeit small) focus group.

Emelia lets me know through her actions and words how I am doing. She definitely gets the potty message. At Costco this weekend we both went to the bathroom. She went pee, then I had to go. She says, oh so loud and proud, "are you going to go poop in the potty like a big girl?"

Sam also lets me know through his actions. When he is done with his meal he shoves his bib in his mouth and spits. This is a messy but effective tool for ending meal time.

I have taken to measuring my success in small wins. I like to think it is like stringing together a pearl necklace. Each pearl has some value by itself but when they are all together on a necklace they can be priceless.

Today my measurement is five nights of sleeping through the night, eight days of dry underwear (Emelia's not mine), three days of a clean kitchen and seven loads of laundry that need to be done.

God is Good

So to update my Kindermusik sitch...

At Bible study I was all geared up to tell the teacher that we could not continue with the class when a very nice lady offered to come to our house and watch Sam while I take Emelia to class. It is such a good solution. The woman had just been talking about how since she retired she did not feel like she was needed anymore. I need her! What a blessing when God answers two prayers in one situation. Do you think he gives himself a big pat on the back or do you think he just says yep that is life as the master of the universe. I am not sure but I think it is pretty cool.



In other news... God is REALLY good! Here is a draft I saved last Friday night.

"So I never imagined that being a parent was this hard, and we haven't even begun to think about the teenage years. Right now we are potty training. As usual, I have read several books on the subject and none of them really answer any questions or give and real solid advice except for don't make a big deal of it your kid will not go to kindergarten in diapers. Great, not helpful at all. This really is one of the most trying things I think I have experienced as a parent."

Seriously, those first few days were so hard. Emelia is a pretty smart kid and I am used to her picking things up pretty quickly so I wasn't sure if she was being defiant or just wasn't getting it but she would stand there and pee and then ask me to clean up her pee. Really?!? Then Friday morning we had a blow up. She was whining about everything. I put her in time out, she started to whine, I yelled stop it, she started t cry really hard and peed all over the time out chair. I was beside myself with anger/frustration. Then she whispers "dear Jesus please don't let mommy talk that way to me." Are you kidding. My heart broke. Into a million pieces. Then I put her on the potty and I held her little head and I leaned in and I prayed. I prayed long and loud. She went in the potty that afternoon, which she had done before so I wasn't overly excited. Then we went to t eh pumpkin patch with my aunt. I stopped obsessing because well I was busy. Then that evening she says. I have to go potty. So we took her to my aunt's bathroom and she peed. It was a breakthrough. Then Jeff stayed home with her on Saturday and just totally focused on her, pumped her full of liquids and put her on the potty every hour and by the end of the day she had stayed dry all day. (She got a dress up dress if she stayed dry all day.) She has not had an accident since Friday and she even pooped in the potty last night. This was a breakthrough as she had not pooped - at all - since we started potty training. God is so good.

Okay, we are off to music class now. and to buy a Tiana dolly for our poop reward.

The Ups and Downs

Yet again it has been awhile since I posted. When I am up at night feeding Sam I think about the posts I would write but then I never get the time to really do it. That is actually only a partial truth. I have time but I have to choose what I want to do with that time. I could clean the bathroom, sit down with a cup of tea and watch HGTV or write on my blog. Lately I have been choosing the second option.

Things here are interesting. I spent a lot of this week feeling overwhelmed. There have been several personal conflicts that have come up with people in my life which I find to be emotionally draining. I have also been over-scheduling myself. I am the nursery/toddler director for church which isn't all that hard but lately has been difficult due to more kids than volunteers. I am hosting a baby shower because as my friend Lindsey says, "anytime you push something out of your body you deserve a party, I don't care how many times you have done it before!" I have joined my normal Tuesday morning Bible study, which I need to be doing. I have also enrolled Emelia in Kindermusik, which I have decided I don't need to be doing. She really likes it but it conflicts with Sam's nap schedule (so does Bible study so that is back to back days of nap nightmare.) The other kids want to love on Sam in a really aggressive way and he is a distraction to the other kids and to me. Emelia doesn't get the interaction from me she deserves and I end up leaving class feeling like a bad mom on all accounts. So I have decided we are not going back. This is very difficult for me because it feels a little like I have failed, plus a very nice woman from church teaches the class and I am sure she will be disappointed. But I have been praying about it and I just feel like it is the right thing to do so I have to stick to my guns. Wish me luck on that one.

Sam is still not sleeping completely through the night but is down to one feeding a night which I think I will have to actually cut out for him sometime soon. I am giving him two more weeks until we go to full-on sleep training. I can do the one time a night thing and not feel to bad in the morning. More than anything what I am doing is trying to learn contentment in my situation. The author of the book we are doing for Bible study says "it can be well with your soul even though it is not well with your circumstances." That was pretty profound for me. I can rest in God's love, know he is the Lord of my life and still be frustrated that Sam is not sleeping or Emelia is whining or whatever. So that is what I am trying to do. I want to be able to rely on my rock when it feels like life is crumbling around me. Don't get me wrong, I don't feel that way often but usually once a month or so there is a day that makes me feel like I can't do it anymore. I had one of those days on Wednesday but I felt much better by Thursday. Sometimes when they are both crying and there does not seem to be an end in sight it just feels like too much for my feeble little mind. It is then that I need to just turn from the circumstance and dig in to my soul.

I am posting some more pictures because well, I finally took some. Check out Sam in his little "man" outfit, a sweater, jeans and a pair of vans. I mean really!

The reason it is all worth it

Things are getting back to normal - PSYCHE

Remember when you were in sixth grade and you would torment members of the opposite sex by telling them they were cute and then yelling PSYCHE! It was sort of a cruel way of saying just kidding. Well right now that is what life looks like in the Mochal house. It is just sort of God's cosmic joke.

I was just telling Jeff that Sam seems like a different baby - so much more content and calm. He's sleeping at night and all seems to be well. I was getting back on top of the household chores and I even managed to sneak in some trips to the park for Emelia.

PSYCHE!

Sam is no longer sleeping through the night, Emelia is sick (again) and Jeff and I have spent labor day weekend soothing our children and stuck in the house. We went to the park Friday evening and it seemed like such a promising start to the weekend then Emelia woke up fussy on Saturday and it all went downhill from there. Saturday night neither of them were sleeping which was SUPER awesome. It is funny because I have been pulling my hair out trying to figure out why Sam is not sleeping and how to get his schedule back on track and blah blah blah. Then on Saturday I read my blog from when Emelia was three months old and there it was. The ugly truth about sleeping through the night. The big fakeout. It started early with her too and then it disappears when they become old enough to be aware that you are gone and the binky has fallen out of their mouths and life is not good. I think we will have to Ferberize ( a sleep training method by Richard Ferber) him but I am waiting until he turns four months and praying he starts to learn to settle on his own. At this point he is waking up at 10:45 every night and needs to be reswaddled and rebinked to go back to sleep. The cruel irony is that that is just about when I have fallen asleep so I wake up CRABBY with a capital C and then I have trouble falling back to sleep. UGH. The good news is I know how to fix it the bad news is fixing it requires three days of H E double hockey sticks.

I think I will put that off for another weekend when Emelia is not feverish and delirious. The other day when her fever really spiked she sat up and said "I don't have any money and I don't have gas in my car." Okay, sort of funny, sort of scary and really random. Bless daddy's heart he is taking her to get donuts and diapers right now. She is wearing her nightgown with her princess Ariel dress over it and a pair of tennis shoes. Fine - clothes are not a battle I am willing to fight today.

Alright I am off to clean the bathrooms because if I can get it done while Sam sleeps and Emelia gets donuts I might be able to sneak in some HGTV.

spoke to soon

So I think I wrote about our"banner week" on Thursday night and then this is what happened on Friday...


I had a plan, as I usually do, so I felt good when I left the house. The idea was to go to the gym, pick the kids up from childcare, hit Walmart for groceries and end up at McDonalds for lunch in time to feed Samuel. I went to the gym, picked the kids up from childcare (so far so good) and the girls said Sam was just starting to get fussy. I decided I would let Emelia have a snack at the gym snack bar, feed Sam and then go to Walmart hoping maybe after he was fed (early) he would nap through grocery shopping. Emelia was finishing her orange and I was burping Sam when I hear a massive butt explosion from Sam. I look down to see a river of poop running down my shirt. He was covered in poop, I was covered in poop, soon the floor would be covered in poop if I did not grab a rag and mop up the poop. I went in to the locker room, and changed his diaper, shirt and pants (thank goodness I had an extra outfit for him.) I however did not have an extra outfit for me. I could have just gone home covered in poop but I would not have been able to fasten my seat belt without getting it covered in poop and I was determined to go to Walmart as planned. I bought a t-shirt at the gym. As I was at the front desk explaining the situation a lady who was also at the front desk starting yelling about how gross it was that I was covered in poop and how she HAD to leave because she has a low puke threshold. I began to cry. I mean really, do you think I enjoy being covered in poop? Do you think when I was fourteen I said man one day I hope my only goal is to go to Walmart without being covered in poop. The lady working the front desk explained to me that she did not have any kids and just didn't understand. I am not asking for empathy, I am just asking for a little compassion toward your fellow man. Do you not think that I am mortified to be covered in poop? I was by the way. It just all reached a breaking point and I got in the car and sobbed. Then I went to Walmart, got my groceries, came home and congratulated myself on following my plan.

Banner Week

Ladies and gentlemen, it has been a banner week and here is why...

- I lost two pounds
- I did something fun with Emelia every day this week. Today we went to the zoo where she used her Mickey Mouse camera to take pictures of the gorillas and fish. My favorite part was she would say "smile Mr. Ray, smile Crush the Turtle" all of these are characters from Finding Nemo and our zoo's aquarium. When we discussed what different animals say she told Jeff that turtles say "most excellent." God bless Disney.
-So You Think You Can Dance ended BUT they are doing a fall season. YAHOO
and last but not least

-Samuel has been sleeping for eight hours between feedings at night.

MOTY

To: Mother of the Year Committee
From: Erika Mochal
Re: Nomination

To Whom it May Concern:

I am writing to you to submit myself for consideration as Mother of the Year. In spite of the fact that I have recently thought about selling my children to the gypsies and leaving my newborn in the baby aisle at Target, I believe I am qualified for this honor due to last night's turn of events. Emelia has been dealing with constipation, welcome to my family's genes. She had a pretty painful bout on Monday when she had not pooped in four days and we had to resort to a glycerin suppository. (Not so fun but highly efficient.) Last night while I was feeding Samuel I heard her crying for mommy. Jeff said she wanted mommy to fix the poop. So I finished with Samuel, put him down for the night (awake no less, God love him for putting himself to sleep) and headed downstairs with another suppository swearing I was going to buy super high fiber bread. I got her up on the changing table and she was crying pretty hard and opened her diaper to find her little rectum expanded with poop poking out but sorta stuck. Oh no! There was no where for the suppository to go as the opening was blocked with poop. She was in so much pain so without thinking twice, I stuck my finger in there and dug out the poop. Poor thing was sweating like a pig when we finished but she was all done and in ten minutes was happy again. I learned two valuable lessons from this experience. My kid needs more fiber and no matter how tough things get or how hard it is I love my children and would do anything for them. As stated in article 10, section two of the motherhood code, manual poop removal is grounds for instantaneous Mother of the Year status and a glass of wine.

Thank you for your consideration in this matter.

Sincerely Erika Mochal

Crazy

So I know it has been a month but things have been very busy. We went to Jeff's family reunion which was fun. Then my dad and Nancy were here for a week. That was a fun time. I confess i was a little stressed because I felt this need to entertain even though I know n one expected that I just felt bad. Then we went to St. Louis for the All-Star game and now we are finally home. My rick star husband is sending me to Vegas for a weekend with a girlfriend. Can you believe it. He is watching the kids and sending me off with gift cards to the hotel spa. SERIOUSLY - he is so good. I am excited but a little stressed for him and stressed that I won't be able to pump enough milk for Sam. So i have basically turned myself in to a cow.

I titled this post crazy not just because life has been crazy but also because I sort of think I went crazy last night. I think a lot of it has to do with hormones and a lot of it has to do with being so sleep deprived. Sam woke up an hour after I feel asleep and was wide awake. I was beside myself. He wasn't crying but all I wanted to do was put him down and go back to sleep but he wanted to be awake and play. I was just despondent. That is the only word I can think of to describe how I felt. I felt like I wanted to walk out my front door in my bathrobe and start over somewhere. I just couldn't think about this being my life. I yelled at God. Where was he in the middle of this madness? Why wouldn't he make Sam sleep? I truly understood and had empathy for women how hurt their children. I know that is so un-pc to say but it is the truth. I don't condone what they did but there but for the grace of God go I. I had to wake Jeff up and give Sam to him because I just didn't trust myself not to flip out. I just felt lifeless. I was really scared. I came downstairs and looked up some verses in the Bible and that calmed me down a little then i went to bed. I couldn't sleep though. I finally fell asleep around 1:00 or so and I just remember thinking that it was all going to start over again in an hour and a half. The funny thing is that three hours later when Sam woke up , ate and went back to sleep in a half hour's time I felt totally different. i felt fine. I think I was just SO tired that I couldn't see through it all. Today I feel okay. I am a little tired but overall I am okay. I will be watching to see if I get back to that dark place because if i do i will call the doctor because I can't stay there for long without turning in to someone I don't want to be.

Joy to the world

Today I had some real joy. Lately my life has been lacking that. I know I should be overjoyed to be a parent and blah blah blah but frankly I have been struggling this week with bad mood swings and the continuing tummy trouble for Sam. Jeff and I talk about how hard things are but one of the biggest trials is the lack of joy in our life right now. This week I had two blissful moments. One was watching So You Think You Can Dance on Wednesday night. I love that show so much. I literally spent all day Wednesday looking forward to it. Say wat you will about TV rotting your brain but I am pretty sure that show is going to sustain me through this acid reflux issue.

Then, tonight we took the whole family to a carnival. It was so impromptu. We are having Papillion Days which is just a random little festival in downtown Papillion (where we live.) I happened to take a different route home from Target, saw the carnival rides and called Jeff to say we should go. So random. Emelia had so much fun and I found joy in watching her giant smile on the merry go round and her look of surprise when the mini motorcycle lifted off the ground. Surprisingly they had lots of rides for little little kids. It was perfect. We ended with a trip to McDonalds and I am pretty sure it was one of the best days we have had since Sam arrived. Oh, one more terrific moment. I painted Emelia's fingernails and toenails this week. Every now and then she will stop whatever she is doing and look at her hands and exclaim "I look so beautiful." Oh to have that much self confidence. I pray she always feels beautiful.

The beauty of the blog

I have a confession to make. Today during nap time I poured myself a glass of wine and read my blog from the beginning. What great perspective. I did make some observations though. Samuel is a more difficult baby as he is less easy going then Emelia was as an infant. I have also decided (and this should have been obvious but you know...) that it is harder with two. When Emelia was born I was able to do things while she slept. Now, when Samuel sleeps I try to play with Emmy or incorporate her in to my chores. (This is definitely a scam I am pulling on her but hopefully she will forgive me.) I do feel like Samuel is getting the shaft because I do not hold him, talk to him or play with him as much as I did with Emelia. Mostly I just want him to go to sleep so I can put him down and get something done. I need to work with him more. All things considered, I just forget that he is only 3 weeks old today. I feel sort of like he has been here forever so I think he should be going longer stretches at night and organizing his day into a more consistent schedule but he is just not there yet and that is okay. I am trying hard to just be okay with where life is and enjoy the little things as I said early on in my blog. I will hopefully be able to incorporate this new found perspective in to my life because things have been rather joyless of late. No matter what we do someone is not enjoying themselves. It is a tough road right now but I will be thankful for the perspective. I also looked at some early photos of Emelia and I think Samuel looks a lot like her.

Beautiful Disaster

Here is our week at a glance...

Monday - We had Samuel's x-rays. The good news is that his anatomy is fine, the bad news is he has reflux. Apparently he will outgrow it within the next three months to a year. Yippee. We are also on some meds which seems to have helped with the "I'm hurting" screams. My cousin Amanda watched Emelia which was such a blessing because I don't know how I would have dealt with her at the hospital.

Tuesday - Tuesday was Jeff's birthday. I bought him the baseball package on DirectTV so he could watch his Cardinals. I planned to do baseball night at the Mochal household and bought brats and peanuts to recreate that ballpark vibe. I also wanted to get him a few polo shirts since I pried his ill-fitting ones from his hands last month. I went to Target to buy supplies for baseball night, diapers and shirts for daddy. I left without shirts. Dang it! So I went to Kohl's, found what I was looking for and left. I was also hoping to find a nursing bra but no such luck so I dragged the kids to the maternity store for a bra. Emelia was about over me at that point since I had told her we were going to have lunch with daddy and then canceled without consulting her. Found a bra, headed home with enough time to catch a Mickey Mouse Clubhouse before nap time. While I was in the bathroom I hear her scream out in pain and come running out to find her holding her elbow and crying hysterically. We have been through the dislocated elbow twice before so I guessed that is what it was. I called the doctor, they said come on in. So at five minutes till 2:00 (aka naptime) I packed up both the kids and headed to the doctor. I nursed Samuel in the exam room while waiting for Emelia to start using her arm again after the doctor popped it back in to place. We finally headed home at 3:45 with a cranky two-year old and a sleeping baby. I was beyond exhausted and just felt like crap. Everything just seemed to snowball, it was such a bad day. That night we had trouble getting Sam down to sleep so the sucky day turned in to a sucky night and I sat alone in Sam's room and just cried. I felt like I was being punished, like I had ticked off God and here I was reaping what I sowed. I know that is irrational but at that moment that is the best way to describe my feelings. I just cried out "God where are you?" Sure enough he answered.

Wednesday - What a better day. I went over to a girlfriends house and Emelia played relatively well with her daughter while Samuel nursed and slept and I was actually able to sit in the sunshine and have a conversation. I think it is the best day I have had since bringing him home. I also reconnected with an old friend who has twins and a toddler and we spent an hour and a half comparing notes on the difficulties of motherhood. It was nice to know that someone who has such a different life than me still struggles with the same things. Some motherhood conundrums are universal. My bathrooms still need to be cleaned but I at least felt like a human being for a day. Then it got even better when Samuel went 2.5 hours, 4 hours and 3 hours between feeding last night. When I went to sleep at 12:45 and woke up at 4:45 I felt refreshed - sad but true.

Thursday - We went to the zoo with my cousin and Emelia seemed to have a really good time. Samuel ate and slept, his usual routine. Emelia fell asleep on the way home but I stretched the trip in to an hour drive as I went across town to Babies R Us. I nursed Samuel in the car in the parking lot while she slept, got my bottle warmer and headed home in time to play puzzles and blocks before daddy came home. For the first time since leaving the hospital I don't feel like a zombie when Jeff gets home and I couldn't be happier.

I really like the Kelly Clarkson song Beautiful Disaster. There is a line that says"if I could hold on through the tears and the laughter I don't know, would it be beautiful or just a beautiful disaster." Right now I think my life is full of tears and laughter and it is a beautiful disaster.

The gas we pass

So here we are on Friday which means I have officially made it through my first week on my own with two kids. It really has been a series of such highs and such lows. Let's start with highs.

Highs
1. On Tuesday I managed to go to Target and Walmart with the kids. I nursed Samuel in the Target food court while Emelia ate a hot dog and I changed her poopy diaper in the front seat of the car (mostly because I could not figure out how to get all of us plus a cart in to the bathroom) but we did it. i rewarded myself with two hanging baskets of petunias which brighten my day every time I pull up to the house.

2. I asked for help. This is a biggie. I called my aunt spur of the moment and asked if she could watch Emelia (while she napped) so I could go to the breastfeeding group at the hospital. I am so glad I went. I was able to get some help for my soreness, meet other moms and weigh Samuel. He is back above birth weight which is great.

3. I washed my hair - twice - and have so far managed getting everyone downstairs in the mornings.

4. My friends have been bringing us food and it has been such a blessing. I don't know what I am going to do when I have to cook again. It has also meant I don't need much in t eh way of groceries this pay check so I think I am going to get my hair colored.

5. Jeff continues to be great and I seriously could not ask for a better husband.

6. Emelia's behavior has greatly improved. We have had a few tussles but for the most part she is doing well. I actually think Daddy going back to work helped because now we are back to our routine a little bit more. She is trying to be patient but that is a tough concept for a two-year-old. Yesterday she anted a snack while I was nursing. I told her I would get her a snack as soon as I was done nursing that she needed to be patient. She responded, "can I be patient and have a snack?" Touche'

The Lows
1. I pretty much hit a wall every day around four. I am trying to nap when Emelia naps but it is hard for me to nap during the day. This leaves me not only low on energy, but low on patience for post-nap crankiness.

2. Samuel has developed some sort of gas issue that comes on every night between 10:00 and 2:00. I am not sure if it is something I ate or what the deal is but for instance, last night I nursed him at 9:00, put him down around 9:30 and we all went to sleep. Hooray! It seemed so promising. Then he woke up at 11:30 to nurse and began to scream shortly thereafter for about two hours. I tried everything, gas drops, laying him on his stomach, The five S's, pacifier, swing, everything but nothing worked. He finally just sort of calmed down on his own or maybe he got the gas out, I am not really sure but it was a miserable two hours. He has a Dr. appointment today so maybe she can help. Pray that she can!

3. I am still pretty weepy but getting better. The lactation consultant suggested that if I am still feeling "blue" by the end of next week I should see my Dr. for a mild anti-depressant for the short term while my hormones rebalance. Part of me thinks that would be great - solution in a pill. Part of me worries about that idea so all of me is just praying that things work out on their own.

4. Still having trouble with clothes but at least the weight is still coming off. Probably because yesterday for breakfast I had a cup of reheated coffee from the day before's pot and what was left of Emelia waffle with peanut butter. : ) I don't so much mind my body, it is just that I have had very limited clothing selection for the last nine months and was looking forward to my wardrobe again but I still can't wear most of it.

Overall things have gone better than I expected with the exception of the sleep thing. Emelia was easier at night than Samuel is so that is a little trying but I feel like we can get through it. More prayer and hopefully some help from the Dr. and we should be in good shape.

Seven days, seventy emotions

So Samuel Wayne Mochal was born May 18 at 11:48 p.m. weighing 7 pounds 8 ounces. What a blur life has been since then. Labor was long, pushing was short, I will write more about that later. I feel physically pretty good but I have been on the hormone roller coaster something fierce. ( I apologize in advance, I spell checked but I don't have the energy to do much else.)

The baby has been relatively easy to care for - typical newborn eat every two hours, sleep, eat some more, poop, pee on mom, sleep, eat some more, cry a little, etc. Emelia on the other hand has been tough. She is fine with her brother and at times seems loving but she has just been pushing limits and testing boundaries. She had a melt down in Target on Saturday that lasted two hours. She was crying hysterically to the point of hyperventilating. She just could not pull herself together. It left me feeling really disheartened. If we couldn't get through a 20 min Target trip with Jeff and I both how will I ever do it on my own. Then Sunday she just had a hysterical fit over not wanting to wear her bib. Normally this would not be a battle I would choose to fight, so what she spills on her clothes, but she has been fine with her bib and the incident seemed a direct attempt to be stubborn. Yesterday was a dark day. I screamed at her had to remove myself from the situation for fear of screaming more or throwing something. I just had his sinking feeling in my stomach. I think the hardest part of just that I don't know what it will look like when it gets better so I can't picture it. I can't see the light at the end of tunnel. Everything is compounded when you are running on five hours of sleep a night as well. My emotions are just so close to the surface that I cry at least 15 minutes a day, over what, I am not sure. I also just keep thinking that if my mom were alive this would all be better. She would stay with us and coach me and give me a break and I would just be able to make it through so much better. I have aunts and I have Jeff's mom but none of that is really the same. Then I look in the mirror and cry again. I feel like i had come so far with my weight loss journey and here I am back at square one with nothing that fits. I don't have many of my bigger clothes because I thought I was never going back. Ha isn't that a pickle. I know rationally that I gave birth a week ago and should not expect much but I do. I expect to get the chores done and I expect to have a good child because I have worked hard for the last two years to raise a good child and run a good home and in one week it feels like it has all just fallen apart and I am not sure how or when I am going to get it back together again. When someone asks me how I am doing I literally say something like we're okay or we're managing but my eyes well with tears because I am not sure that either of those things is the truth. The scariest thing about it is that today is the best day I have had so far. I got eight hours of sleep - in two hour increments - I got the laundry done and I have washed my hair. I even cut myself some new bangs. I just think I needed to let all of that out. If you are reading this please don't feel sorry for me just pray for me. Ask God to give me wisdom patience and a reduced estrogen level. If you have tow kids and have advice on what to do with Emelia send that my way. If you don't have children please don't be discouraged. They are a blessing and one I would not give away - okay i would maybe loan them out but not give them away. I just need to recover and get some sleep and pray. Today I opened my Bible t o a passage I had randomly scrawled in the front. The reference was Ephesians 4:2. When I got there it said this. "Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love." Good advice back then, great advice for today.

Still waiting

So here I am one week from my due date and I swear if you told me I could induce labor by drinking pickle juice and standing on my head I would be hunting down the Vlassic jar. My oh my, I am ready for this baby. The nursery is ready, the house is ready, my body is ready but the baby apparently is not ready. I will try to wait patiently. I have this nagging voice in the back of my mind from the ultrasound where the tech said, "I would put the due date at closer to May 24 than the 20 but we will leave it on your chart as the 20th." What if it is not the 20th, what if it is the 24th? Really, that is not that far away but it feels like forever! Pray for patience for me and Emelia who is tired of having a mommy who can't go down the slide!

Lesson Learned

I have learned a valuable lesson recently one I would like to write down because I will probably need to reflect on it often in the coming months. You see I am a fixer by nature. I like to help people, I like to solve problems and find solutions to dilemmas. You need a crib, I will scour Craigslist until I find one for you. You need some monetary help, here is what I have. You need someone to sign up to bring something to the bake sale/youth retreat/volunteer meeting/whatever sign me up for cookies or cake or whatever you need. That is just a part of how God made me. The thing is the reverse angle of that is very tricky for me. I have a tough time asking for help. This is a growing phenomenon for me because I don't think it was always this hard for me. It may have to do with my mom's death. I think before when I needed help my mom had some sort of spidey sense that tingled and she was always there before I ever even asked. The ironic part is I probably need more help at this point in my life than ever before and yet now I am the most reluctant to ask.

It all comes down to vanity/pride. You see on the outside I look like I have got life pretty much together. I am fairly organized, my house is usually pretty darn clean, I volunteer in several different ministries at church and overall I look pretty with it. The problem with asking for help is that in my little mind that is the equivalent of admitting I can't do everything and I don't have it all together. I can not dig up a garden when I am nine months pregnant or put together a compost bin that specifically says you need two adults to put this together. I probably should not be on a ladder trying to install a ceiling fan when my water could break at any minute. Yet, these are all things I have tried or contemplated doing in the last week. The real problem is this - by not asking my friends and family for help I am depriving someone of a chance to be Christ-like to me. I am depriving someone else of the chance to be the fixer which may be how God created them. There are various folks in my small group that posses the sort of handiness that I am currently in need of and yet I am reluctant to reach out. That is just plain silly and it is not what God has asked me to do in building a Christian community. So I am officially asking for help world. I need meals when this baby comes and someone to put a ceiling fan in Emelia's room. I need help digging up a garden - I will give you a summer's supply of free tomatoes in return for your help. For a little while I am going to need to be taken care of instead of taking care of everyone else. It literally pains me to say that, but I am learning a lesson.

Progress

So, I went to the doctor today and I am one centimeter dilated and 50% effaced. Probably more information than some of you wanted, but too bad, it was cause for great joy at my house! My cousin's wedding is Friday so I have to hold out till after that. I told my doctor and she said she will be out of town until Saturday afternoon so we have made a date for Sunday. It would be lovely for baby X to be born on Mother's Day. So since I am clearly not in control of this at all, I am furiously trying to get the house in the best possible shape for this weekend because I am pretty determined to have this baby then and if not then next week I will lay around and watch movies and eat popcorn and M&M's with Emelia all week. Also not a bad plan!

21 days

So here we are at 37 weeks, 3 weeks away from my due date and I have to tell you I am pretty darn uncomfortable. No position feels very good especially in the evening when the baby is very active and the "fake" contractions kick up. My hips hurt, I have shooting pains down the back of my leg - dude, get off my nerves, no really! Sleeping is a joke and my bladder capacity is equal to a thimble. I really don't remember being this uncomfortable with Emelia. With her I weighed about 20 more pounds than I do now but I just don't remember wanting to have the baby so desperately. I am so tired of being pregnant. I am sort of having a pity party so please forgive me. I just am ready. My cousin's wedding - which I am a bridesmaid in - is next Friday. It really is a shame, it is actually a pretty bridesmaid dress and yet I am just going to be so big. UGH! Once I get through that I think I will be even more desperate to have this baby because that is really the last big thing I have to get through. I also really need to be back in my own home by May 20 - my due date - because that is when the winner of American Idol will be crowned and the very next night the two-hour premiere of So You Think You Can Dance is on. Priorities people!

Swine flu but not really...

Do you remember when they would give the head lice talk each year in school and suddenly your head would start to itch. Mine is actually starting to itch as I type this. That is how I feel about this whole swine flu thing. Last week Emelia and I had some sort of sore throat/fever virus that resulted in a trip to the doctor to see if it was strep - it wasn't - and if there was anything we could do - not a thing. So we stayed home from Thursday-Sunday and took Tylenol every four hours to try to keep the fever down. We did not have a cough and we did not have body aches but of course as I am hearing on the nightly news that they have raised the pandemic threat level I start to feel a cough coming on and wonder if we in fact had swine flu. I don't actually think we did but it is a lot like the head lice talk in school. Man there are a lot of things in the world to worry about. Good thing I am not a worrier by nature. : ) Oops, maybe that is not such a true statement.

In other news I think Emelia is about ready for potty training. The problem is there could not be a worse time than now. Baby X is supposed to be here any time in the next three weeks so everyone says don't do it now she will revert once the baby comes. Well that leaves me potty training her after baby brother gets here when I am sure I will have tons of free time and loads of free arms to help pull down pants/wipe tushes/etc. I am going to just pray about it. Yes I am praying about pee and poop, but quite frankly it is not the first time especially since I was so constipated when I was pregnant with Emelia.

When Emelia poops in her diaper now she will sing the song Jeff taught her - "dirty diapers, the kind that stink, dirty diapers the kind that stink!" It is to the tune of Dirty Deed Done Dirt Cheap. Yep it is pretty awesome. She also sings "My diapers pee-soakered, diapers pee-soakered, every day it's soaked away." My husband routinely makes up words to real songs about daily drudgery, it is alternately endearing and annoying. I can not sing the Abba song "Lovin Me, Lovin You" because in my head the words are "Goin' pee, goin' poo, I go numbers one and two..."

Hospital Tour

Today I had my 36 week doctor's visit which means from here on out I go every bloody week. Seems like we are moving right along. I decided to tour the hospital where I will probably have baby boy x. Is it bad that my main concern was the food? When I had Emelia I went in at 6:00 am and did not have her until that evening and they never once let me eat which means by the time I did eat it had been almost 24 hours. Are ya kidding me with that? I have learned my lesson and will not go to the hospital without eating first.

Emelia has a little bit of fever that I am watching. I am not sure what it is but I know it's making her crabby. UGH! Is it nap time yet?

Just another manic Monday

whoa, wish it were Sunday whoa, that's my fun day.... Not really I mean Sundays are great but they aren't my "fun day" really. Mondays however are pretty manic. I try to cram as many chores in to Monday as I can stand so that I can slack a little the rest of the week. There is a method to my madness. I am always pretty energized on Mondays. I feel refreshed after the weekend and I am ready to get to it on Monday morning. (note: except when I am eight months pregnant in which case I am not really raring to go at any point in time.)

Today I stripped all the beds including the two guest beds, washed the sheets and remade the beds. I did six loads of laundry. I cleaned the kitchen. I made banana bread for tomorrow's Bible study. I baked a loaf of honey wheat bread for Jeff's breakfasts this week - in the bread machine, I am not that good! I vacuumed the downstairs and had movie Monday with Emelia where we had popcorn and watched Finding Nemo yet again. Phew, now I am tired. You see there is a little bit of a selfish motive for all my hard work. I am hoping I will e so exhausted tonight that when my head hits the pillow I will fall asleep and stay asleep and wake up refreshed.

Only four more weeks to go, yippee.

My new obsession

I really want a freezer. I am determined to find a way to move stuff around in the garage to fit one. Then I have to find one I like on Craigslist or on serious sale at the store and then I will have my freezer and love it!

She's crafty!

I have to confess the Beastie Boys tune runs through my head whenever I break out the hot glue gun or the needle and thread. I am pretty sure that isn't what they meant but that is how it applies to my life now. With this new baby on the way I was inspired by my crafty friends and decided to see if I could stretch my nursery budget by repurposing things and making things myself. I have to say I am pretty proud of myself, I only used about 2/3 of my budget. I bought an end table at goodwill and painted it. It is not flawless but it will do.



I painted a shelf and used receiving blankets that matched my bedding to create wall decorations. I also bought vinyl lettering to make a mini-mural type thing. I even decorated a lampshade with ribbon and found a lampstand at the resale shop to make a coordinating lamp.



And last but not least I painted a bookshelf that was my mom's and bought storage cubes and glued monkeys on to them to make this. I also made a nightlight with this same little monkey! My nightlight budget was $10 (yes I made an excel budget and yes I allotted $10 for a dumb nightlight mostly because I had already seen one I wanted) but then I saw someone selling one on ebay and figured out how they made it - LED nightlight from Walmart $1.43 and wooden prepainted monkey from Hobby Lobby $.69 - and I made one myself.





You see the big space above the crib, that is where the babies name should go but at this moment in time I am not sure what that will be. I thought we had one picked out but it may have to be a gametime decision that is made in the hospital so if you have any great ideas let me know!

I am pretty sure I am going to take what is left of my nursery budget and get a bottle of champagne and a spa day once this baby gets here. : )

Things I never thought I would say...

You see if you have known me for awhile, like since high school or college, you may be shocked at how I turned out, who I turned into or where life has taken me. Lord knows I often am. Recently I have been reflecting on that and here are some things that I find myself saying that really just make me giggle.

1. I got a really bad burn from the hot glue gun today!

2. Hummm, what can I make with a rump roast?

3. Holy cow I can't believe I got eggs for 77 cents!

4. Omaha is a great place for our family right now.

5. I enjoy being a stay-at-home mom.

6. Honestly, I would rather have you rub my back than make me a bowl of ice cream. (No really, my back constantly hurts these days.)

7. I really only listen to Christian radio.

8. I am so sick of winter. (I normally love winter but not in six month increments.)

9. Are you poopy?

10. I have been to Hobby Lobby three times this week.

I am a price matching fool

i have become one of those women. For those of you with two incomes and more money than you ever thought you would have, I am the women you hate. Today at Walmart. I set down one item with a free coupon (which means the cashier has to write the items price on the coupon) and four price match items. I got Duncan Hines cake mix for .79 and cereal for $2.50, before you took of the .35 coupon for the cake mix and the $1.00 off three for the cereal. Jeff was dyeing.

Grocery shopping has become an art form for me. I spend about an hour preparing for it. First I look at the grocery ads for every store in town and circle extra good buys or things I need. Then I plan my meals for the next two weeks based on what is one sale. Then I look through the recipes for everything I am going to make to see what I need to make each meal. Then I check off the items I need on my alphabetized excel spread sheet grocery list. Then I go through my coupons to see what matches the items on my list. Along the way I am making notes on my list about who has what on sale so that I can make sure to compare Walmart's price and if it is not as good I can price match to the other store. Then I organize my coupons by aisle to match my grocery list. That way if I decide generic canned corn if cheaper than my Del Monte coupon I can put the coupon back in my file for use at a later date. It is a complicated process that gives me great pleasure. Today I saved $5.00 in coupons and $3.00 in price matching not to mention the savings from buying sale items. I got shredded cheese for $1.50 and that was Kraft 2% incredible!

I am a dork!

Is it really April first?

Because it snowed yesterday. It was only a little and it didn't stick but still it was snow. Seriously what is the matter with the weather here? Today the high is supposed to be 55. Just when I get out my flip flops I have to put them away for my boots and just when I leave my boots out it starts to get nice. I have to say I would really like some consistency.

FYI - I am officially 33 weeks which means I have seven weeks to go. I had this crazy dream last night that all the calculations were off and I really only had two weeks. Then I was panicking because the nursery wasn't done and I still had baby clothes to wash and well you get the picture. Clearly I have some repressed anxiety. I am really anxious about this baby for some reason. I am so much more ready to be done than I was with Emelia.
I think I sort of feel like life is going to be really rough for about six months and so the sooner I get on with it the sooner I will get through it. I am ready for the lack of sleep but every day I think of new scenarios that will be a challenge. Like yesterday I was in the Target food court and I saw a women with a four year old son and a 9 month old girl I am guessing. Well her son had to use the restroom so she leaves her table with her food and her cart and grabs the baby and they head for the restroom. Now she had her purse in one hand and the baby in the other and I just thought how does she help her son with his pants? (I am guessing he still may need help who knows maybe they don't.) See my mind starts to reel when I think about actually trying to live life with two. Forget about when one is crying or being naughty, I am just talking straight living, like trips to the store or the doctor or whatever. I am sure you just figure out a way but it still makes me nervous. Okay I am working myself up in to a frenzy and I have not had any coffee yet so I better go get my single lonely cup of 1/4 caffeinated coffee that I allow myself.

By the way Emelia has begun to quote Beauty and the Beast - yesterday at Bible Study she burst out with "My father is not crazy, he is a genius!" So she loves a good princess movie and can quote movie lines at the age of two, she is definitely half Jeff and half me.

I mean really?

Emelia let me put pigtails in her hair today and I loved it. I mean seriously, I almost couldn't look at her because it hurt. She was so stinkin' cute I could just melt. Needless to say we had McDonalds for lunch today because, well, really I couldn't say no.

The shortest month casts the longest shadow

I sort of dropped off the blogosphere in February and I think I pretty much do it every February. It is just a really rough month for me. My mom died February 14. It has been four years and sometimes it seems like yesterday and sometimes it seems like a lifetime ago. The funny thing about it is if I really objectively look at my life, it is worlds better now than it was before she died. I am living the life God intended for me and am closer to being the person I want to be. Yet I miss my mom so much. I know God uses all things for his glory and I can truly see that in the loss of my mother but that doesn't make it any easier to swallow. Then this year Jeff's dad died on February 6. He was ill and he was 85 and we believe he is in a better place but that also does not make it any easier to go through the loss. Jeff and I are pretty sure we are destined not to celebrate Valentine's day because we had to cancel our date this year to bury his dad. This was really the first year we were going to celebrate since it is such a painful time for me. Maybe next year.

We are recovering though and sailing through March. I can't believe the baby will be here in two months. I am still working on the nursery and getting things together. I swear with Emelia I had everything washed, steam sanitized and in place by my second trimester. Oh well, life is different now. I am tired of being pregnant. I itch pretty bad and I feel like a huge tub of goo. Sleeping has become difficult which makes my energy level low during the day and well, I am just ready. I am grateful to have a healthy pregnancy and know I shouldn't complain, I am just ready to be done.

So anyway, I am back at the blog and will try to do better at keeping up with the world.

Here are some new Emelia pics that make me smile. Her two new loves are painting and dress up clothes. The trick is she has to wear all of the dress up clothes at once. If one necklace is good then five are better. Jeff calls it her Mr. T started kit. As for the paints thank goodness they are washable because she ends up with paint all over herself. I am currently in love with the coolest thing ever - Color Wonder paints from Crayola. They only work on special paper, not on clothes or faces or the dog.

Fat and Sassy

Okay so maybe just fat. I have gotten my four pounds back and I swear nothing fits - overnight. Things fit yesterday and today nothing. I am trying to refrain from buying clothes because well I won't need them again and I don't have a ton of need to dress cute but I have started to feel SOOOOO frumpy and dumpy. I know that there are other things I should be worrying about and that there are people who have real problems that I could be praying about but I can't help being just a little bit sad about how I look and feel right now. I just wish my thighs had not gotten so much bigger. I have worked really hard to get to a place where I sort of like my body and here I am again hating it all over. I know I am pregnant and therefore fat for a reason but still I just wish it was all in my belly. Instead I think it is all in my head. I am my own worst enemy right now. It is like a snowball rolling downhill turning in to a class three avalanche with every check in the mirror. UGH!

"I am one good stomach sickness away from my goal weight"

I distinctly remember this quote from he Devil Wears Prada because I thought it was so funny and yet for some women probably really true. I am pretty sure I have even thought something similar at one time in my life or another. I have always struggled with accepting my weight so ridiculous things like this seemed reasonable to me. Then you actually get a stomach sickness...

On Monday Emelia had diarrhea, not great but not the end of the world especially since she is still in diapers it is not horrible to clean up. At this point I would take that over puke any day because she can not control or aim puke so it is a far bigger mess. Alright let's gut back on the grapes, add in some bananas and wait for a solid poop. Fine. Well then on Tuesday around midnight that creepy little stomach bug had migrated to the mommy. I throw up nine times between midnight and 8 am. I figured it was just a bug but I was a little worried about getting dehydrated with the baby since one sip of water down equalled one sip of water up. I called the doctor, they said to come in, I did and it all went downhill from there. They said I was really dehydrated and wanted to call a home health nurse to administer some iv fluids and an anti-nausea medication. Okay fine. I went home and went back to sleep and stopped vomiting. Yea! As the day wore on I waited for this home health nurse to call, she did at 5:00 p.m. By this time I had kept down some gatorade and five crackers - wahoo! When she gets to our house she goes through all of this stuff with me (a 24 hour iv which I will have to get up in the middle of the night to change since she is arriving so late and blah blah blah.) Then she tries to start the IV , no go. Three needle sticks later, which brings my total needle sticks for the day to six since we had trouble finding a vein to draw blood at the doctors office also, i have nothing. At this point all the sticking and the anxiety has made my stomach hurt again and I have started to wretch. The nurse decide she will call another nurse out to try to stick me some more. (How long will that be I wonder - it took six hours just to get you here.) So finally I say no thank you I am just going to drink some more gatorade eat a piece of toast and hope for the best. She says she has to get a doctor to approve that, i say fine, use my phone. Voila, two minutes later she is gone and I have a sinking feeling I am going to have to pay for this whole fiasco anyway since she came out and opened all the supplies and now they can't be used on someone else. You know I should have listened to my instincts and called the whole thing off earlier in the day when I stopped vomiting. Oh well, lesson learned. The moral of the story is the baby is fine I feel world's better today and i lost four pounds. I have to say I would have rather gained four pounds than lose it the way I did.

I heart Costco

Costco is seriously the greatest place on earth. Because I had mom's group at church yesterday and Murphy had a vet appointment I did not get to do my grocery shopping yesterday like I normally would on a pay day Friday. So today Jeff and I divided and conquered. He hit Fareway for the chicken breast that was on sale and Target for the cat litter that was on sale and I hit Walmart for my normal groceries. Then together we all went to Costco. First let me just say what a lovely gift it is to grocery shop without your child. I love Emelia but she adds at least a half hour to any grocery shopping trip and does not allow for a ton of extraneous time like calculating how much Tide is per load. Today I got to do that and what I found out was shocking.

I compared Walmart, which is the best price in town, against Costco and Costco was always cheaper. The trick is you have to be able to store it and have some extra money up front to buy it. Yogurt was literally .20 cheaper per yogurt cup. Tide was .13 cheaper a load and don't even get me started on Kleenex. Some things Walmart will always win because the generic is so cheap. A can of white beans for instance is .62 which you can't beat because they are generic and by the time you throw them in a pot of tortilla soup no one can tell the difference but on name brand items Costco is just such a good deal. The real reason it is the best spot on earth is that Emelia, Jeff and I can each have a hot dog and drink for $4.50. As Emelia said today "It is a beautiful day to sit down and eat a hot dog."

The name game

I think I have Jeff talked out of Ananias - thank goodness but we still have not really come up with a name. I am very much a believer in instincts when it comes to this process. With Emelia I loved it from the start and I still love it even though I say it five hundred times a day. Even though I have been through a million baby name sites and made a list of names I like, there is nothing I LOVE so far. Jeff said we need to make a list of final contenders and then mull over those choices. That sounds logical and all but there is no gut reaction that way which makes it hard for me. Maybe it is different the second time around I don't know. It is not like there was a girl name that i was loving either so maybe I just need to stop looking for that lovin' feelin' and start mulling.

New Year New Me?

So usually when the new Year rolls around I drink some champagne and make a list of all of the ways i will improve myself in the coming year. This year is different. I am already working out. I have no hope of losing weight until after May 20 and I have finally learned that I don't do well with New Years resolutions. Instead I made a list of projects for January. I do well with a list of small tasks that I can actually accomplish. I believe this is known as short term goals. I have already crossed three things off the list. Yeah me! It will be interesting to see what this year brings. I know life will be crazy for awhile and I know I am going to need to potty train Emelia but that is really all I can plan at this moment in time. If you know me you know that the inability to plan is like an inability to breathe. i am working on that for January and will probably be working on that straight through December's list.

Here are some things I am struggling with at the moment (besides the inability to plan)...

I feel fat. I know that I am pregnant so that is to be expected somewhat but I wish I could be one of those women who keep their shape and just look like they swallowed a ball. I do not look like that. I look like I swallowed the women from the before picture at Jenny craig. Everything has gotten bigger. Why is that?


I also have terrible pregnancy acne. Now I will confess there is some vanity in my distaste for my chin's new friends but mostly it HURTS. They are big cystic, you can't pop me pimples and they hurt. The bummer of it is that y ou can't use acne meds when you are pregnant. Isn't that just a big cosmic joke?

We are having a boy. Yes I will be caring for a baby boy. How does that work? I feel like the little boys I know are so different and I can't possibly begin to comprehend what to do with a boy. I have already begun to pray that God will help me to not compare them and to just love him for him and be content with who he is whoever that may be. Yikes! To top it all off Jeff and I are not even close to on the same page about names. I like Bennett and he likes Ananias. Yep you read that right...

Um okay I suppose that is about it for now. Time to make some supper.

Fun Times with DirecTV

So we had some pretty crappy weather last night including freezing rain with a little snow on t op. I have a serious weather paranoia. I don't like storms, I get scared to drive on t eh snow and ice and I don't want anyone to go anywhere until the streets clear. So today we are hunkered down hanging out at home. Well about mid day I discovered that some of our channels are not coming in. I called DirecTV (who we love) and the nice gentleman walked me through a test which I apparently failed. He said it looks like your high definition channels are not coming in. I knew that part but ok why - because either the satellite is no longer angled correctly or there is snow or ice covering the dish receptor. He said you will probably need to wait for the weather to pass. Newsflash - it is December and I live in Nebraska. The average high for the next week is 12. So we may be talking about March before this crap melts. All I could think was dear lord please let all of teh good bowl games be on regular channels.

The Definition of Bitter Cold

When I listened to the weather forecast this morning Rusty Lord (yes that is his name) told me that it was currently -4 but not to worry it was going to warm up to 8 degrees by late afternoon. Oh good, something to look forward to!

Where Does the Time Go

Emelia is two years old today. I just can't believe it. She constantly amazes me, sometimes in not so good ways but mostly I just marvel at how she has become this little person. I love her so much and I could never have imagined that I would feel this way. I have loved a lot in my life. I love my husband more now than I did in the giddy first months of our courtship and I loved my mom more than I can say but I have just been blind sided by my love for Emelia. It is so powerful and unexpected and it just creeps up on you.

Yesterday she said hey mom and I turned around and said "what honey" and I could distinctly "hear" that same exchange between my mother and I and it took my breath away. I am now the mom. I don't know that I thought I would never be a mom but it was not something that I spent a lot of time longing for. Now that I am I can not imagine ever not being who I am today. As I think about adding another child to our family my fear is t hat I couldn't possibly love this new baby the way that I love Emelia because my heart just doesn't have room for that much overpowering love. I know God will fix that but it still nags at me none the less.

I remember so distinctly when she was little and I couldn't wait to see who she would be. i wanted to see what sort of personality she would have and it is slowly emerging. She loves animals and is very passionate about things - ELMO, books, jelly beans. Often she will tell me "Mommy I NEED jelly beans." She likes to cuddle and does well with a routine. (Thank goodness!) She likes to sing and hates to be confined, like in a shopping cart for instance. (Whoa is me this is a new and really tough challenge.) She is so smart and has a terrific memory. Yesterday we were looking at an alphabet picture book and she turned to the page for x and declared "look mom a xylophone." I mean really where did she learn the word xylophone? Currently if you ask her what color something is everything is green. Jeff is convinced she is colorblind. She likes to swing at the park and asks to do so every day. She is just a terrific child. Yes she gives me fits sometimes and yes there are days I miss the freedom of being a dual-income-no-kids couple but I would never go back.

I can't wait to see what the next year brings.

License Plates

If anyone has license plates for my friend Stephanie's map project can you please send them to me? Here is a link to her blog so you can see her project...


http://svajglfamily.blogspot.com/

Oh the weather outside is frightful....

No really, I am not kidding. It is suddenly really cold here. What I don't get - should have paid more attention in Mr. Kelley's science class - is how yesterday the high was 30 and today the high is supposed to be 50. Oh and tomorrow the high is 29. What makes Tuesday so warm? I know I have officially adjusted to the weather here because when I found out the high was going to be 50 I thought "hum maybe Emelia and I can go to the playground." Really, when did 50 constitute playground weather?

In other news, I have been able to return to the gym. I am just in time for the "12 Days of Christmas" promotion. If you work out 12 times between Dec. 1 and Dec. 24 you get a free t-shirt. What is it about free stuff that is so appealing? When I saw the sign on the door to the gym I was soooo excited. I really need another free t-shirt because the bag to take to the Goodwill is not full enough. I mean I don't need that shirt but sure enough I signed up at the front desk and darn it if I won't do it. I guess if nothing else it is good incentive to go to the gym.

Allright I am off to Super Wal-mart to grocery shop, spend ten minutes looking at the aquarium section (Emelia's treat for grocery shopping goodness) and complain about how expensive food has gotten.

Back to Work

None of us want to go back to work today. Jeff was running late, I was not running at all and Emelia is just now getting up. Hope that doesn't mean she is getting sick. What a delicious weekend - food, shopping, football and lots of block building. Maybe Em will be an architect or a princess handler because man my girl loves her princess figurines. I love that she like Pocahontas the best.

Thoughts on a tree

So you may remember a post from last December and early January where I talked about our tree situation in this house. To boil it down, Jeff likes a real tree, I don't mind it but I don't like the mess. (So weird for me right?) Last year our real tree died early so we ended up with a fake tree for Christmas. While technically I won the battle (and contest of wills) Jeff was really sad and I certainly didn't feel like a winner. The compromise was that going forward we would use the fake tree in another room to have the "perfect Martha Stewart" tree and then we would get a real tree for the front room to put up our mish mosh collection of ornaments from our childhood. Last Sunday everything changed. I went to church and the bulletin said that the church was looking for a Christmas tree for the new campus we are opening in Millard. They wanted burgundy and gold ornaments and lights if anyone had some to donate. That is when God spoke to me.

I didn't hear his voice but I knew as plain as day that I was supposed to give church my "Martha" tree. I pushed the thought aside because I was really looking forward to my "Martha" tree. When I got home Jeff and I split up to run errands and when I came home Jeff had bought a real tree. He showed great restraint this year and did not buy one that was too big or too fat. It really was the perfect tree. When I got out my Christmas decorations I pulled out the stuff I bought for my "Martha" tree and noticed that the ornaments were burgundy and gold - just what the church was looking for - and that is when I knew I had to give them that tree.

You see that tree was a symbol of vengefulness and stubbornness and disobedience. For those of you that have known me for a while you know I struggle with the Biblical concept of wives submitting to their husbands. What I finally realized was that it wasn't about not having a backbone or about being weak as an individual or about being a slave. It is about being a strong unit that works out compromise but when you can not work out compromise someone has to be "right" for lack of a better word and it is to be the husband. In our seven years of marriage we have never not been able to work out a compromise on anything - except the Christmas tree. (Crazy huh?) The fact that I can't let go of my tree is me being disobedient to him, to God and to my own heart. I am a pretty strong woman and I believe that God made me that way. I don't think the idea of submission in any way takes away from that - on the contrary, the ability to put aside my own will and stand in God's will for me takes strength of character and discipline. (I don't always have a ton of those two things but God has given me more of that lately too.)

The other reason I knew I had to give up that tree is because of what the whole concept of the "Martha" tree represented to me. See some people grew up with those kind of trees or like my best friend make them in to works of art. I was trying to be something I am not so that people would come in to my home and see my quaint little country tree and my sophisticated polished perfect tree and think I was all of those things. I certainly am more sophisticated than my family was growing up mostly because I lived in LA and was a victim of the keeping up with the Jones' culture but in my heart I am the sum total of my parents and I am proud of that. Most of the ornaments on my tree are handmade by my mom or Jeff's parents or in some cases Jeff himself and I love them. My mom and dad gave me an ornament every year while I was growing up and it usually represented something from that year. I have a pair of ice skates from the year I learned to skate. I have an Aladdin ball from the year I was obsessed with that movie. I have an engagement ring in a box from the year I got engaged. As I put all of those ornaments on the tree it is like walking through my past and remembering each year of my life. That is what my Christmas tree is all about - not perfection. I will confess I do stare longingly at the trees in department stores because their tidyness and symmetry are so appealing, but I love my tree and I will no longer be ashamed of my homespun tree.

When I took all of my still-in-the-box ornaments and my pre-lit tree in to the church office they were so thankful and thought it was so beautiful. Now hundreds of people can appreciate that tree and I can appreciate my country tree in all its splendor. (My camera batteries are dead but I will post pics of my tree soon.)

New Woman

I feel like a new woman this week. I am finally over the morning sickness, I think and I have some energy which is so exciting.

Okay let me back up and fill in the last three weeks' details.

Colorado was great. It was nice to see family and I felt a particular increase in my bond with Nancy - my step mom. Emelia really took to her because she was the only one who really let Emelia come to her. News flash, little kids do not like to have people force a relationship. It is tough because I really want her to just run up and hug everyone but she doesn't and I know that is a good thing but people have expectations so it is a little nerve wracking for us parents. It really is a tricky situation. Emelia was great in the car but tested her boundaries a few times while we were there. There was a lot going on, six adults surrounding her at all times plus trips to the zoo and the rock garden etc. I tried to give her a little leeway but I also was not about to let her freak out because she wasn't getting her way which she did a couple of times. All in all I needed a vacation from my vacation. : )

I came back and spent most of last week preparing to talk at our women's retreat for church. The theme was Walking by Faith - different shoes for different seasons. I was one of six speakers speaking about trying times in our lives that God pulled us through. For me that was the year that my mom died. Her death was terrible, the grief was overwhelming but I basically buried all of that under work, alcohol and shopping, with a dose of overeating thrown in for good measure. By the grace of God my loving husband stuck by me but finally on new year's eve of 2005 I just told God I couldn't take it any more and he took it for me. So anyway, I was nervous about speaking and really just wanted my story to help someone else in some way and wanted it to glorify God. The speech went well, the retreat was awesome and man was I exhausted. I spent most of Sunday and Monday trying to catch up on sleep and get some energy. I decided since I was feeling so much better I would try to take my regular prenatal vitamin since I have been taking a regular multi with a folic acid supplement. Bad idea, man was I sick. On Monday I spent all day throwing up and feeling miserable. Tuesday was much better and Wednesday was better still.

So that brings us to today when I can report that I think I have begun to nest. Yes I vacuumed out the light fixtures and dusted the fireplace after cleaning out the toy box and organizing the closets. Most women don't start to nest until the third trimester but I think my natural anal tendencies combined with the extra hormones get me going a little early : ) Okay, gotta go, I am off to clean the refrigerator coils!

A Gift

Today i am struck by what a gift I have been given. I had a park date with a friend who was relaying a story of a friend who went to pick up her one year old at day care and walked in as the worker slapped her child in the face. I could not come to terms with what I would do. I am so tremendously blessed to be able to stay home with Emelia. My mom worked and I never once felt like I lacked for anything in my relationship with her so I know it can be done successfully, but i don't know how I could do it. I think it is so much work. Staying home is work too, don't get me wrong but I am just I don't know feeling really blessed right now.

I can't believe I am going to have another one. It is so surreal. Jeff and I have been praying about this for awhile and then in July we decided to end our birth control and then in August I got pregnant. God must have thought we were ready. Suddenly I am not so sure. It has been hard being sick and trying to not make Emelia suffer because of it. I just know that God's priority for me is not to keep my floors mopped but to keep her heart full and her mind fed. (Never mind her belly - God bless the peanut butter sandwich.) I think it is good that it has been tough for me already because I know it will be even tougher when number 2 gets here so I suppose this is just a little on the job training. : )

All things considered I have an amazing husband who picks up the slack when I have less than a 100% to give, a relatively well-behaved loving little girl and a God who makes each day seem like a new chance to be better. I am blessed.

So Awesome!

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My friend Penny made this for me and I heart it more than I can possibly say!

Afternoon Sickness

So remember how some weeks back I was feeling the funk and feeling like things were just off, well they were. I was pregnant and didn't know it. : )

I am happy to report that I am ten weeks along and have seen the little bean with my own eyes and have heard it's beating heart (nice and fast like they like). I met my doctor for the first time yesterday (I normally have been seeing a PA) and I really like her. I really like the fact that I have a prescription for the crazy afternoon vomiting wave that washes over me which means I have kept all my food down for the lest three days. Yippee! Prior to that I had lost four pounds. I am pretty sure pregnancy is not supposed to be a weight loss plan. I am way more tired now than I was with Emelia. The days feel pretty long right about now but I am hoping that gets a little better in the second trimester. I will write more about my feelings and all the craziness in a bit. I just wanted the world to know.

The Christmas Hunt has Begun

Last year i bought most of Emelia's Christmas presents from the resale shop. I figured she won't know the difference, I don't have to assemble anything and the money goes further. I still believe all of those things so I plan to do the same again this year. I have begun the hunt. I want a kitchen and a tricycle but other than that I am open to whatever gems i turn up. I found a kitchen for $10 two weeks ago. It s just the right size for her now and then I can look for a nicer one for next year when she outgrows it. I am not sure what else t o get her. Does anyone have any ideas for good, well-loved two year old toys? So far what she is digging right now is a five dollar stroller my aunt gave her and whatever comes out of the happy meal at McDonald's. : ) I will keep you posted on what I come up with.

It has been a busy month for us. We went on a whirlwind adventure to Iowa and Illinois. It was great to be with family. I felt like we got to see everyone we wanted to see and we ate a lot of fried chicken. It was neat to see Emelia establish relationships with my cousins kids and my aunts and uncles. She particularly took to my uncle Dick and still professes to miss papa Dick and puppy. (My aunt and uncle have an 18 year old Shih Tzu that Emelia loved but I am pretty sure the "puppy" was happy to see Emlia leave.) Then we came home and had a week to get the house in shape for my friend Lindsey's visit. It was a great visit. We hit the resale shops and ate plenty of Panera (she doesn't have them where she lives.)

We have a halloween party this weekend and I am anxious to see if Emelia will wear her Elmo costume for any length of time and or let me take her picture in it. We will have to see. Jeff and I will fall in to our usual costumes. Fifties girl for me and 70s guy for him. He loves to wear the afro wig. Hear are some pics from our Illinois trip...

Sorry about the long hiatus

Two weeks ago we were in Iowa/Illinois (more about that trip to come), last week I was busy preparing for my friend to come visit and now she is hear! Yea for me!

I promise I will write more soon, but for now we are off to do the things we love to do together. Go to target, buy groceries and just generally exist.

Oh Boy

Emelia has not napped today. I have tried putting her down twice. She didn't even attempt to nap either time. I am straining for peace. You see I didn't sleep well last night so I thought maybe I would also nap today. No such luck. So tired, so cranky so hungry..... UGH!

Funk be gone

The good news is that I seem to be over my case of the funk, or as my mom would call it, the blue funk. (The blue funk for her though usually had something to do with menopause so I don't think I really had the blue funk.) We had a good weekend, busy but good. I still haven't ventured back to the gym but I have stopped eating everything in sight and as soon as noodle wakes up from her nap we are off to the gym. The weather has been really lovely this weekend so maybe my friend Thuy was right about my mood being effected by the dreary weather.

We started a new life group last night and I am so glad. It is so good to be in community with other Christians. It is funny because our group is really diverse, we have parents of 8 year olds, parents of triplets, parents-to-be and non-parents. We are all different ages and come from different laces but we all love the Lord so we instantly know there is a common denominator. It is just cool. The other cool thing is that coincidentally enough, none of us are from Omaha.

Okay, I have to actually get the kitchen cleaned still before sleeping beauty wakes up so see you later "agator" as Emelia says.

Off my game

For some reason I have been completely off my game this week. I have had little to no interest in exercising. I feel unmotivated to do any housework and I have not paid a lick of attention to what I eat. I just feel sluggish and fuzzy in the head. I don't know what my dal is but I have got to get past it. It is making me crazy.

I feel like a sloth and I am resentful of any task which I am forced to accomplish in order to save my pride. (i.e. something that someone else is counting on me to do.)

The only thing I have felt like doing is shopping. I tend to shop for Emelia when I am in moods like this because it requires no fitting rooms and I can get more things for less money. Seriously what is my deal? Atleast my kid has cute clothes...

E

Who needs white sandy beaches?

especially when you can have fried chicken and homemade mac and cheese? So our vacation to Turks and Caicos has been postponed due to hurricane Ike. I prayers o out to the people who actually live there because my vacation is nothing compared to their lives and homes and way of life. Since we are not going to go to the island in two weeks I decided to do the next best thing. I am going to Cedar Rapids, Iowa and Bloomington, Illinois. Emelia and I are going on a road trip to visit family. I am pretty excited. in other SUPER DUPER EXCITING news. My friend Lindsey is coming to visit in October. I may have already written about it but it is so exciting. I am already planning meals and activities for when she is here. Yahoo!

Oops

I realized in my last blog entry I spelled craptastic wrong. Yeah, it's cool, I looked it up in Webster's and it is definitely spelled right now. : )

Holy Craptastic Batman!

Tonight is the kickoff to regular season football. The excitement looms heavy in the air. Man, I am excited! I will wear my "Mrs. Moc" jersey and Jeff will wear his "The Moc" jersey and it will be terrific!

Seven Years

Yesterday was my seven year wedding anniversary. Some days it feels like Jeff and I have been married forever and some days it feels like we got married yesterday. Last night Jeff and I went out to dinner and we were talking about the last seven years. Here is what we came up with.

We have...
lived in three different states
adopted two pets
lost his brother and my mom
had a baby
and loved and supported each other through it all.

Here's to more years like the last seven (no more pets though.)