Tuesday, May 18, 2010

What a Difference a Day Makes

Thank you to all my friends who sent me notes or phone calls of encouragement.  It really was helpful just two get it out on paper (not really paper but you know what I mean.)  God also used many different moments (calls from friends lyrics from a song, etc.) to give me a hug and say buck up camper.  Today I am filled with wonder at how good God is.  I feel like the funk has lifted and I can rejoice in who I am.  (By the way I put sugar in my coffee - and I am done thinking about it.)  I am certain there will still be days when I wish I was still a career woman but such is life,

Today is Sam's birthday.  Can you believe he is one year old?  As I was writing in my devotional this morning, there were days when I didn't think either one of us would make it to today.  Those first eight months were really hard, those first six weeks were mind-numbing.  So many times I yelled at God, where are you?  Why won't you make him sleep?  God was gentle and let me have my hissy fits and then reminded me that he never said life would be easy only that I would not have to bear it alone.  I just hope that some day I can help someone else when they are in the midst of a baby crisis.

I recently did a picture wall at my house, I am hoping to post pics soon but here are some of the pictures from that all.  Happy birthday Sam!

Monday, May 17, 2010


This past week I have been in a funk.  To be honest I have been feeling dumb and a little worthless.  If I look back I think I usually cycle through this feeling about every six months or so and it frustrates me that I can not shake it for good.  Logically I know I am an intelligent person but recently I am plagued by passing thoughts like "you are just a dumb housewife and you have no real value."  There are days when I pick up, sweep up, mop up and clean up incessantly, it is a never ending task with no real sense of accomplishment because it never gets "done".  I know I have two small children and I know that I am honoring God and that I am doing a good thing raising my kids but knowing those things and feeling those things are very different.  I believe that my emotions often lead me down the wrong path because they are not always based on truth and they are very hard to ignore.  I wish I knew some way to confront the emotions and take the sting out of them.

When I worked I had clients who regularly told me how much they valued my experience and my insight.  At this point I feel like I have no real knowledge to share with the world.  Most days I feel like I have no idea what I am doing and I really don't like that spot.  I used to be confident and even if I was not completely sure of a decision I could sell it to anyone within earshot.  Now I spend fifteen minutes debating wether to use sugar or splenda in my coffee because I can't decide which is worse, the calories from sugar or the chemicals from splenda.  Should I be eating this piece of string cheese?  Should I let Sam have an oatmeal raisin flax cookie?  Why doesn't Sam listen when I say no, is he too young or am I doing something wrong?  Am I teaching Emelia that happiness comes from things when I get her a new doll?  How can I find time to go to the gym, get my chores done and make sure Sam gets two naps?  Am I a bad friend?  Am I a bad mom?  Am I a bad wife?  Am I a bad christian?    I sometimes feel like I am being held captive by the never ending doubts in my head.  If I don't focus on a specific thing I can just become lost inside my own brain.  Normally I do a pretty good job of navigating this sea of craziness but last week I could not seem to right my ship on that sea.  Then I get mad at myself for not capturing my thoughts and taming my tongue and all the other things the Bible says to do and then I end up in this tailspin.  

I am not sure why I am writing about this other than that maybe getting it out would help me to tame it.  Writing about it does seem  to bring some clarity to the funk.  I have been having trouble identifying what I was feeling.  The trouble with feelings is that they have no merit.  They are not based on reality most of the time nor are they based on logic but I don't know what to do with these things.  How do you place a value on your day when you stay at home?  I think I start to assign value based on the nutritional value of my children's food, the cleanliness of my house, the behavior of my children, the things checked off my to-do list, etc.  The problem with that is then I always fail.  Not a day goes by that the floors are not dirty,  I don't drink enough water, I have not had enough quiet time with God, my children have not  eaten enough vegetables, we have not watched too much TV according the AAP, I haven't worked out enough, etc.  I try to tell myself that some days I just have to be "enough" and be satisfied with putting in a good effort because  no one ever died from watching too much Mickey Mouse Clubhouse or eating a fruit snack.  In my mind I believe that, but these feelings of inadequacy just mount until I feel worthless and filled with doubt.  Maybe the problem is not that I don't have enough knowledge, maybe I have too much knowledge.  Maybe if I did not know about the toddler food pyramid and the AAP guidelines for TV viewing for children and the "seven rules for raising well-behaved kids" I would not know everything I wasn't doing right.  I don't know, I guess for now the best I can do is pray, try to clean the kitchen and have another cup of coffee with splenda since I put sugar in the last cup.         

Wednesday, May 05, 2010

Emelia's List

Emelia told me she was making a list, which for her is squiggles on paper, but she loves list making.  (Wonder where she gets that!?!)  I asked her what was one her list and this is what she said...

Peanut Butter
Exerists (a made up word that she says is "fancy" for candy)

Not a bad list if you are three...