Sunday, July 19, 2009


So I know it has been a month but things have been very busy. We went to Jeff's family reunion which was fun. Then my dad and Nancy were here for a week. That was a fun time. I confess i was a little stressed because I felt this need to entertain even though I know n one expected that I just felt bad. Then we went to St. Louis for the All-Star game and now we are finally home. My rick star husband is sending me to Vegas for a weekend with a girlfriend. Can you believe it. He is watching the kids and sending me off with gift cards to the hotel spa. SERIOUSLY - he is so good. I am excited but a little stressed for him and stressed that I won't be able to pump enough milk for Sam. So i have basically turned myself in to a cow.

I titled this post crazy not just because life has been crazy but also because I sort of think I went crazy last night. I think a lot of it has to do with hormones and a lot of it has to do with being so sleep deprived. Sam woke up an hour after I feel asleep and was wide awake. I was beside myself. He wasn't crying but all I wanted to do was put him down and go back to sleep but he wanted to be awake and play. I was just despondent. That is the only word I can think of to describe how I felt. I felt like I wanted to walk out my front door in my bathrobe and start over somewhere. I just couldn't think about this being my life. I yelled at God. Where was he in the middle of this madness? Why wouldn't he make Sam sleep? I truly understood and had empathy for women how hurt their children. I know that is so un-pc to say but it is the truth. I don't condone what they did but there but for the grace of God go I. I had to wake Jeff up and give Sam to him because I just didn't trust myself not to flip out. I just felt lifeless. I was really scared. I came downstairs and looked up some verses in the Bible and that calmed me down a little then i went to bed. I couldn't sleep though. I finally fell asleep around 1:00 or so and I just remember thinking that it was all going to start over again in an hour and a half. The funny thing is that three hours later when Sam woke up , ate and went back to sleep in a half hour's time I felt totally different. i felt fine. I think I was just SO tired that I couldn't see through it all. Today I feel okay. I am a little tired but overall I am okay. I will be watching to see if I get back to that dark place because if i do i will call the doctor because I can't stay there for long without turning in to someone I don't want to be.