So Samuel Wayne Mochal was born May 18 at 11:48 p.m. weighing 7 pounds 8 ounces. What a blur life has been since then. Labor was long, pushing was short, I will write more about that later. I feel physically pretty good but I have been on the hormone roller coaster something fierce. ( I apologize in advance, I spell checked but I don't have the energy to do much else.)
The baby has been relatively easy to care for - typical newborn eat every two hours, sleep, eat some more, poop, pee on mom, sleep, eat some more, cry a little, etc. Emelia on the other hand has been tough. She is fine with her brother and at times seems loving but she has just been pushing limits and testing boundaries. She had a melt down in Target on Saturday that lasted two hours. She was crying hysterically to the point of hyperventilating. She just could not pull herself together. It left me feeling really disheartened. If we couldn't get through a 20 min Target trip with Jeff and I both how will I ever do it on my own. Then Sunday she just had a hysterical fit over not wanting to wear her bib. Normally this would not be a battle I would choose to fight, so what she spills on her clothes, but she has been fine with her bib and the incident seemed a direct attempt to be stubborn. Yesterday was a dark day. I screamed at her had to remove myself from the situation for fear of screaming more or throwing something. I just had his sinking feeling in my stomach. I think the hardest part of just that I don't know what it will look like when it gets better so I can't picture it. I can't see the light at the end of tunnel. Everything is compounded when you are running on five hours of sleep a night as well. My emotions are just so close to the surface that I cry at least 15 minutes a day, over what, I am not sure. I also just keep thinking that if my mom were alive this would all be better. She would stay with us and coach me and give me a break and I would just be able to make it through so much better. I have aunts and I have Jeff's mom but none of that is really the same. Then I look in the mirror and cry again. I feel like i had come so far with my weight loss journey and here I am back at square one with nothing that fits. I don't have many of my bigger clothes because I thought I was never going back. Ha isn't that a pickle. I know rationally that I gave birth a week ago and should not expect much but I do. I expect to get the chores done and I expect to have a good child because I have worked hard for the last two years to raise a good child and run a good home and in one week it feels like it has all just fallen apart and I am not sure how or when I am going to get it back together again. When someone asks me how I am doing I literally say something like we're okay or we're managing but my eyes well with tears because I am not sure that either of those things is the truth. The scariest thing about it is that today is the best day I have had so far. I got eight hours of sleep - in two hour increments - I got the laundry done and I have washed my hair. I even cut myself some new bangs. I just think I needed to let all of that out. If you are reading this please don't feel sorry for me just pray for me. Ask God to give me wisdom patience and a reduced estrogen level. If you have tow kids and have advice on what to do with Emelia send that my way. If you don't have children please don't be discouraged. They are a blessing and one I would not give away - okay i would maybe loan them out but not give them away. I just need to recover and get some sleep and pray. Today I opened my Bible t o a passage I had randomly scrawled in the front. The reference was Ephesians 4:2. When I got there it said this. "Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love." Good advice back then, great advice for today.
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3 comments:
You can do this, and it will get easier. We're dealing with this with the two we already had at home as well as tantrums from the two we just brought home. :) It does get better--just remember to take it one day at a time and trust God that He brought you and these kids together for a reason.
Also, don't hesitate to talk to your dr if you feel like the hormones aren't settling down. Many many women deal with post-partum depression and there is no shame in seeking help. It is NOT your fault your hormones are out of control and there are things that can be done to help. And of course, accept any and all help that is offered. In some of your more lucid moments, make a list of things that need to be done or that you could use help with. Then when someone says "Can I help?" you don't have to scramble to try to think of something. Hand them the list and tell them to pick. I'm serious. :)
Hang in there and sleep whenever you can! HUGS to you!! :) :)
I feel like the advice for surviving life as an adult it so take one day at a time. You spend all of your teenage years and 20s pining away to get older or to hit some milestone, and now at the glory of 34 we keep telling each other, take it one day at a time.
I think you need to know that I (and others) want to hear about ALL the messiness. I keep holding back and not telling everyone, everything. I keep thinking, they don't really want to know. But to think that is to short change the friendship and what it is made to endure. So please, reach out, give a call and know that you are loved from afar. And that yes, you so deserve your Mom to be there but you remember that she taught you everything that you need to know and how fortunate your kids are to have Carolyn shining through you. xoxoxo
E, I love you a ton. I have been thinking about you since you wrote this post (NOT feeling sorry for you since you commanded us not to :) ).
You told me recently on the phone that you can probably handle at least 32 emotions at once (thank God!) - as evidence that you are more than able to shoulder MY burden as well, and that you are always there to listen. That is so true about you, though I'm glad to learn that since Samuel came along, you have more than doubled your emotional capacity! Amazing what childbirth can do! :)
You have so many friends who, just as Britt said, truly want to hear about the day to day E, whether it's been good or bad. There is so much joy for me in seeing transparency in people, so thank you for being real and letting us in on your world. We know that each day isn't the same - that's it not all bad or disheartening - but the adjustment IS a challenging one, no doubt.
You are missed! Hugs from STL!
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