So I know it has been a month but things have been very busy. We went to Jeff's family reunion which was fun. Then my dad and Nancy were here for a week. That was a fun time. I confess i was a little stressed because I felt this need to entertain even though I know n one expected that I just felt bad. Then we went to St. Louis for the All-Star game and now we are finally home. My rick star husband is sending me to Vegas for a weekend with a girlfriend. Can you believe it. He is watching the kids and sending me off with gift cards to the hotel spa. SERIOUSLY - he is so good. I am excited but a little stressed for him and stressed that I won't be able to pump enough milk for Sam. So i have basically turned myself in to a cow.
I titled this post crazy not just because life has been crazy but also because I sort of think I went crazy last night. I think a lot of it has to do with hormones and a lot of it has to do with being so sleep deprived. Sam woke up an hour after I feel asleep and was wide awake. I was beside myself. He wasn't crying but all I wanted to do was put him down and go back to sleep but he wanted to be awake and play. I was just despondent. That is the only word I can think of to describe how I felt. I felt like I wanted to walk out my front door in my bathrobe and start over somewhere. I just couldn't think about this being my life. I yelled at God. Where was he in the middle of this madness? Why wouldn't he make Sam sleep? I truly understood and had empathy for women how hurt their children. I know that is so un-pc to say but it is the truth. I don't condone what they did but there but for the grace of God go I. I had to wake Jeff up and give Sam to him because I just didn't trust myself not to flip out. I just felt lifeless. I was really scared. I came downstairs and looked up some verses in the Bible and that calmed me down a little then i went to bed. I couldn't sleep though. I finally fell asleep around 1:00 or so and I just remember thinking that it was all going to start over again in an hour and a half. The funny thing is that three hours later when Sam woke up , ate and went back to sleep in a half hour's time I felt totally different. i felt fine. I think I was just SO tired that I couldn't see through it all. Today I feel okay. I am a little tired but overall I am okay. I will be watching to see if I get back to that dark place because if i do i will call the doctor because I can't stay there for long without turning in to someone I don't want to be.
1 comment:
E, I think you are brave and you're writing about the reality of your struggle with raising a toddler and a newborn. Many people will be helped by reading this. Where you are right now isn't easy at all, but like you've said in the past, the parts that make parenthood worthwhile are often those unforgettable moments between you and your child that the outside world doesn't see. It is a difficult, tiring time, and I hope it helps even a little bit to get that out.
I'm praying for you guys, and I'm so happy to have been able to see you this past week. I got to see a great mom in action. XOXO
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