Sunday, January 30, 2011

HGTV Overdose

I am sick.  I mean really sick.  I was a little sniffly yesterday but today I am miserable.  God bless my husband who not only watched the kids but did the laundry and vacuumed. 

When he got home yesterday we had a great talk and he is really stressed out.  I am so glad I wrote on my blog yesterday because it really helped me work through my issues.  It helped me to focus on the truths and supress the lies.  Wow, it sort of sounds like voices in my head weird stuff but it isn't like that.  You know though how when you are grumpy it just sort of snowballs in to this ball of junk.  I put my ball of junk down though.

Having stayed in bed all day I watched a ton of HGTV.  I can actually say that I am over it.  I am on to the Screen Actor's Guild Awards.  I am watching the red carpet - LOVE it!  This Ross Mathews guy is just too much.  I need him to go away.  Okay, I get the gay sidekick for the lovely red carpet host but oy, he is just over the top.  Now for cup of hot tea and then back to bed.  Hoping I feel better tomorrow.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Already Struggling

This is the first official weekend of the MBA program.  Jeff has already been to ND for one week at the beginning of the month but this is the first of the "every other weekend" thing.  I am already struggling.  I have this awful feeling of why are we doing this.  In the past whenever we have embarked on something really difficult (by choice) it has been with a very tangible outcome to look forward to.  The best comparison I have is moving.  The trouble with this whole MBA thing is I can not see what the outcome is other than some serious student loans and a piece of paper.  If I am objective (tough at this moment) then I can see that it offers Jeff more options for advancement in the future and makes him more marketable.  Great, then, tough to "look forward to" right now. 

Jeff left Friday morning at 5:45 am and will probably be home around 6:30 Saturday.  In the mean time Emelia is sick and "wants her daddy" and woke up multiple times last night.  It just stinks.  I want to be supportive and I know that I am being selfish.  Unfortunately that knowledge does not stop the feelings of what is in this for me or our family?  It sounds terrible even as I write it.  I want to not feel that way.  The only thing I can do is pray about it and work on it.  Maybe once we are "used" to it it will not be so bad.  Maybe when it is spring or summer it will not be so bad.  I miss Jeff but mostly I miss our daddy because he is a bigger help than I often give him credit for.

I really do want to not be this way and I am trying to not let my feeling cloud my behavior.  It is not like Jeff loves being away from his family, I know that to be true.  Maybe that is what I need to focus on.  What do I know to be true about the situation?

1. Jeff loves us and would not do this if he did not think it was in the best interest of our family.
2. Jeff does not enjoy being away from us and will not ever be away more than he feels is necessary.
3. Jeff is also struggling with this situation and is trying to find his footing.
4. We are a family that was created by God and He put this opportunity in Jeff's path and after praying about it we decided this was what God wanted for us so if I believe it is God's will than it should be my will as well.
5. I love Jeff and he loves me and he works hard for our family both at work and at home.

What is not a lie that I am telling myself?
1. Jeff doesn't care about me.
2. This is more than I can handle.
3. This is selfish of Jeff.
4. Jeff is off gallivanting all over downtown Chicago getting smarter as I sit home with the kids getting dumber by the minute.
5. There is nothing in this for me or the kids except sacrifice.

I recently heard a message by Andy Stanley and he said giving something up now for something better in the future is not a sacrifice, it is an investment.  I will choose to look at this as an investment in Jeff and our future.  Here's hoping I can talk myself out of the lies and in to the truth.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Not to be

Jeff got me a new iPod for Christmas.  My old iPod was beganing to fade.  So I finally got the new one out and set it up yesterday.  I spent two hours making new play lists to run.  I downloaded a bunch of music and I was super pumped to finally get back to the gym and run.  (I have felt crummy the last two weeks and managed to get to Yoga but I just didn't have the energy to run.)

I got up early and got ready and got everyone else ready.  I dropped Emelia off at school and headed for the gym, where I found the driveway blocked by police cars.  Apparently there was a chemical spill in the poolhouse and the gym was evacuated.  Are you kidding me?  I downloaded music!  I made a play list entitled Run Forest Run!  I hooked up my Nike iPod running gizmo!  Alas, it was not to be so I came home and colored my hair instead.  Before you tell me to run outside I will tell you that it was a breezy 20 degrees outside this morning.   So no, I did not even consider running outside.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

The Move Melt Down

Usually when we move I have a melt down sometime in the first three months after we move.  Usually it comes at a time when I am frustrated by something I can't find which triggers a "why did we move here" moment which is typically followed by a "I don't have any friends" moment.  The whole thing usually culminates in a phone call to Jeff where I talk about how much I "hate it here" and he feels bad then I feel bad and then I cry and then we talk it through and that is that.  (I tend toward the dramatic and I have no internal processor for my feelings which is a terrible combination.)

The thing is, I like it here, a lot.  I like Batavia, I like our house.  The people have been amazingly nice.  The Target pharmacist called the other day to see how Sam was doing with his antibiotic.  The Target pharmacist in Omaha never made that call.  The urgent care doctor called today to see how I was feeling after seeing me in ten minutes flat yesterday.  I mean really?    And yet, I can feel the melt down coming on.  Maybe it is less of a melt down and more of a softening, like when you leave butter out for a recipe, it still holds it's shape, but subject it to the pressure of a hand mixer and it turns in to a lump.

Jeff is out of town and Sam has been sick and then I got sick and now it is snowing.  None of this is extraordinary but combined it just makes me long for people.  People that really know me.  Not the moms at preschool that I comb my hair for or the ladies from Bible study that I chew gum to hide my coffee breath from, but real friends who laugh when I tell them I have not brushed my teeth today and commiserate when I tell them the sound of my son following me around yelling "maaaa" makes me feel like I am being chased by a deranged billy goat.  I am tired and PMSed and still a little sick and well, I want my mommy

I am trying to stave off the melt down wish me luck.  Now back to my billy goat, my baby girl some popcorn and Cars.

Friday, January 07, 2011

The Kitchen

The kitchen is coming along.  The cabinets are done we are waiting on pulls.  Of course the inexpensive nice ones I found online are backordered until February.  Whatever!  We will get new countertops when we save up the money this spring sometime and then a backsplash sometime in the next year.  Jeff painted the kitchen last weekend and it looks great so the backsplash is a little less important but I do want some bling still.   : )
Here are pics from the next round of changes and then I will post pics of the finished cabinets which look amazing!

 They took all the doors and drawers to refinish them at their shop.  They took out the non-working microwave above the stove and they tore up the soffitt and pulled it back to just above the cabinets.
 We did end up replacing the lighting this round instead of waiting because it was much less expensive since the wires were all exposed because the soffitt was open.
 The lighting made such a difference, I came in and started crying.  The kitchen looked so beautiful even without drawers and doors.
 This is Sam and Emelia's favorite morning activity, cuddling on the couch, it is pretty sweet till she steals the blanket or he pushes her off the couch.
This about sums up our effort to take a family Christmas picture.  It totally makes me laugh, I love it!

Thursday, January 06, 2011

Life's Instruction Manual

Ever since I can remember I have said that I wish life came with an instruction manual.  As my faith life increased I stopped saying that because people would say, "it does, it is called the Bible."  I would think that is great if you are a pastor but what about for regular old me.  Lately as I have been having quiet time and particularly as I have been reading this week I have realized it is for regular old me as well. 

Twice this week as I have read Mathew I have come across verses I am very familiar with but the preceding or following verse I was not familiar with and they were the instruction manual.  It was truly a Eureka moment for me.  On Monday I was looking at Mathew 6:34 (which was the verse I picked in eighth grade for my confirmation verse, yes folks I was a worrier even way back then.) It says, "Do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day has enough trouble of it's own."  I know the verse by heart, great!  But verse 33 tells us exactly how to do that.  It says "But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things will be provided for you.  You see God tells us not to worry, (great let's see how well that works.)  But then he tells us what to do instead.  This is awesome, I love being told what to do - sometimes.  : )

Then today I was struck by Mathew 17: 20-21.  You know, the old faith like a mustard seed verse.  "..For I assure you : If you have faith the size of a mustard seed you will tell this mountain "Move from here to there" and it will move, nothing will be impossible for you. " Now here is the kicker in verse 21.  "However this kind of faith does not come out except by prayer and fasting."  You see, here is the instruction on how to get that mountain-moving faith.  I love it! 

Now my prayer is that I hear the word, know the word, understand the word and DO the word.  Finally an instruction manual for the rest of us. 

Wednesday, January 05, 2011


Well is looks like I did not achieve my goal of writing in my blog more in 2010.  In fact I actually wrote in my blog less in 2010.  I think I skipped entire months.  You see I did not foresee this move.  2010 was supposed to be the year of nothing, well that did not happen.  I don't suspect it will happen in 2011 either.  : )

Jeff officially starts his MBA program through Notre Dame on January 10.  That means every other weekend he will spend Friday and Saturday at their downtown Chicago campus.  He will also probably need to devote anywhere from 15-25 hours a week to studying on top of the 32 hours each month he will physically be in class.  This is a pretty daunting prospect for us.  Jeff has always been very good at work life balance but he is also great at giving me time away from everyone and everything.  Maybe I am spoiled or selfish but I also know I am a better mom for having some time with no one NEEDING me at that very moment.  It looks like some of that time is going to have to give because we don't want to sacrifice family time.  We will see what that looks like when the time comes.

Since about the beginning of November I have been waking up around six and having 30-45 minutes of quiet time with God before the kids get up.  It has been really nice.  God really reveals things to me through his word in that time.  I was doing a devotional/Bible study from Beth Moore called Jesus: the one and only but I finished that so I have just been reading the gospels.  I started with John and am now doing Mathew.  Today the verse that really stuck out to me was Mathew 11:28-30.  "Come to me all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest.  All of you take up my yoke and learn from me for I am gentle and humble of heart and you will find rest for yourselves.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." 

It is funny because last night Sam and Emelia were both having trouble sleeping.  I slept about five hours on Sunday night because Sam was up and then slept well Monday night but woke up feeling terrible.  I was so hoping to go to be early last night but just as I turned off the light Emelia woke up with a night terror.  They are so scary, she cries and screams and thrashes but is not awake and then just as abruptly as it started it ends.  So she went back to bed then Sam woke up and was up for two and a half hours.  Normally we are advocates of letting him cry it out because he will usually go to sleep and sleep really well once he wears himself out but my dad and Nancy are visiting so I didn't want to wake them.  It was rough.  You would think he was asleep and then he would start up again.  I was reciting this verse in my head.  Come to me all you who are weary (I was sooo weary) and burdened (at that point I felt very burdened) and I will give you rest.  (God, maybe you could start with the kids and then I could get rest.)

The funny thing is I could not remember what the reference was.  I thought it was in Mathew but I wasn't sure then God being the sweet one that he is showed it to me today as I read.  Thank you Lord for giving me rest for my weary soul and even for my weary body.   Yoga class here I come - if Sam isn't sick that is.