Monday - We had Samuel's x-rays. The good news is that his anatomy is fine, the bad news is he has reflux. Apparently he will outgrow it within the next three months to a year. Yippee. We are also on some meds which seems to have helped with the "I'm hurting" screams. My cousin Amanda watched Emelia which was such a blessing because I don't know how I would have dealt with her at the hospital.
Tuesday - Tuesday was Jeff's birthday. I bought him the baseball package on DirectTV so he could watch his Cardinals. I planned to do baseball night at the Mochal household and bought brats and peanuts to recreate that ballpark vibe. I also wanted to get him a few polo shirts since I pried his ill-fitting ones from his hands last month. I went to Target to buy supplies for baseball night, diapers and shirts for daddy. I left without shirts. Dang it! So I went to Kohl's, found what I was looking for and left. I was also hoping to find a nursing bra but no such luck so I dragged the kids to the maternity store for a bra. Emelia was about over me at that point since I had told her we were going to have lunch with daddy and then canceled without consulting her. Found a bra, headed home with enough time to catch a Mickey Mouse Clubhouse before nap time. While I was in the bathroom I hear her scream out in pain and come running out to find her holding her elbow and crying hysterically. We have been through the dislocated elbow twice before so I guessed that is what it was. I called the doctor, they said come on in. So at five minutes till 2:00 (aka naptime) I packed up both the kids and headed to the doctor. I nursed Samuel in the exam room while waiting for Emelia to start using her arm again after the doctor popped it back in to place. We finally headed home at 3:45 with a cranky two-year old and a sleeping baby. I was beyond exhausted and just felt like crap. Everything just seemed to snowball, it was such a bad day. That night we had trouble getting Sam down to sleep so the sucky day turned in to a sucky night and I sat alone in Sam's room and just cried. I felt like I was being punished, like I had ticked off God and here I was reaping what I sowed. I know that is irrational but at that moment that is the best way to describe my feelings. I just cried out "God where are you?" Sure enough he answered.
Wednesday - What a better day. I went over to a girlfriends house and Emelia played relatively well with her daughter while Samuel nursed and slept and I was actually able to sit in the sunshine and have a conversation. I think it is the best day I have had since bringing him home. I also reconnected with an old friend who has twins and a toddler and we spent an hour and a half comparing notes on the difficulties of motherhood. It was nice to know that someone who has such a different life than me still struggles with the same things. Some motherhood conundrums are universal. My bathrooms still need to be cleaned but I at least felt like a human being for a day. Then it got even better when Samuel went 2.5 hours, 4 hours and 3 hours between feeding last night. When I went to sleep at 12:45 and woke up at 4:45 I felt refreshed - sad but true.
Thursday - We went to the zoo with my cousin and Emelia seemed to have a really good time. Samuel ate and slept, his usual routine. Emelia fell asleep on the way home but I stretched the trip in to an hour drive as I went across town to Babies R Us. I nursed Samuel in the car in the parking lot while she slept, got my bottle warmer and headed home in time to play puzzles and blocks before daddy came home. For the first time since leaving the hospital I don't feel like a zombie when Jeff gets home and I couldn't be happier.
I really like the Kelly Clarkson song Beautiful Disaster. There is a line that says"if I could hold on through the tears and the laughter I don't know, would it be beautiful or just a beautiful disaster." Right now I think my life is full of tears and laughter and it is a beautiful disaster.
1 comment:
E, thanks for posting about life. I really, really appreciate it because even though I feel like a bad friend, I at least know what life looks like for you and how you're doing overall. I think of you often. I love "Beautiful Disaster" as well. It's not the worst way to describe one's life. Mine is the same I think, and yet much different from yours. Sam and Emelia are so blessed to have the parents they have. I'm praying for this transition period and hope that you have a great week.
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