Content

Once again I find that so much time has passed since my last post.  Part of that is that we are working on the house and I think I spend every spare Internet minute looking at light fixtures or curtains or something like that.  I truly have purchased (and returned) three sets of drapes for the dining room before deciding on the ones I actually hung.  The sad part is once I got them up I really wished I had kept the first pair which I loved but really did not work with the room once we painted it. 

We found a lovely couple who have a small business refinishing cabinets and doing some carpentry work.  We have hired them to work on the kitchen.  They tore out the gigantic overhanging soffit and it already feels so much more open.  Currently the doors and drawers are at their shop being worked on which means you can see every sippy, every glass and every princess plate in my cabinets.  It also means that my silverware is in a box, my utensils are in another box and so on.  I am not complaining though, it is going to look great when we are all done and it is about 1/4 the cost of new cabinets.  We are going to have to wait and do the countertops and backsplash (oh yes, I will have a glass tile backsplash) in the spring but I can't wait to see the finished product. 

The crazy thing is even with all this chaos going on I feel really happy right now.  More than happy, I feel content.  The other night I was putting Sam to bed and after we read and I sang to him I just sat rocking him in the dark for a few minutes and I thought,  I want to remember this moment.  At 7:33 p.m. on November 14 2010 I felt content with my world.   I have not lost that extra ten pounds and I need my hair colored (badly I might add).  My kitchen is a crazy mess.  My bedroom curtains are being hung up by nails right now and you could feed a child with the crumbs that are in the folds of the chair I am sitting in (stinkin' graham crackers) but I am content.   I am not saying that none of that stuff matters or that I wouldn't like to eventually have curtain rods and a crumb free chair, but I have finally come to terms with the fact that none of that will provide contentment because it is very temporary.  My relationship with Jesus and his love for me and my love for Him is really the only thing out there that isn't temporary.  I have a hard time talking about my faith with people outside of my church (or past church) circles but as I was thinking about this the other day, I realized that the nicest thing I could do for anyone is to tell them about Jesus and how He has changed my life.  It is tough because you feel like maybe you will be judged by people or people will think you are weird or crazy but really even if they do so what.  It is not even really about the "eternal" implications of heaven and hell, it is about making it through this world.  It is about  knowing that someone who knows EVERYTHING about you and where you have been and what you have done LOVES you anyway.  When my mom died one of the things I struggled with most was feeling like no one would love me unconditionally.  When my mom found out I was having sex at 16 she was not happy and we had some serious talks but she loved me even though I disappointed her.  When I got in a car accident that was totally my fault, she loved me anyway.  It took awhile for me to really come to terms with the fact that Jesus loves me unconditionally even though he knows not just the public acts, but the private ones too.  This is the source of my contentment.  I can't guarantee that I will never feel discontent again and I still struggle with all kinds of things (not the least of which is my desire for perfection) but I know that righting any of the "wrongs" in my life will not fill me up only Jesus can do that.