Wow, Single Parents are Brave

I have a new found respect for single parents. Jeff is on a business trip which means I have no second shift relief. I figured how hard can it be, what is four more hours? Well, I can honestly say after doing it for two days I feel like I have run a marathon. It is hard work. Thank God she has been fairly calm and gone to bed with a minimum of crying. We had a fun day today, I met some friends for lunch at a local Mexican restaurant. We sat on the patio and it was lovely. The weather has been great the last two days which is so helpful, getting out makes a big difference. Then we came home and played. I think she is getting ready to roll over. I will roll her on to her side and then when gravity takes her the rest of the way she giggles with glee. There really is no better sound than her laugh. I hope to get it on video so that when she is 13 and tells me she hates me I can listen to that laugh and remember why I love her.

Here are some more photos from today's play session. Murphy got in on the action too.

And the Bottom Drops Out

So last Thursday was the hardest day I have had since I brought the baby home. I wasn't sure if I wanted to write about it for several reasons. One, I don't particularly like what I saw of myself that day, two, in hindsight it wasn't that bad. Then I realized that in the moment that day, it was that bad and I felt awful. So much of our society portrays motherhood as this idealized romantic emotionally fulfilling thing. On most days it is or can be all of that. There are days I love her so much it hurts. Then there are days I love her but I don't really like her. That sounds awful, even to me as I read it, but that is the truth and I can't help it.

The trouble is she wouldn't nap. She didn't want to even be put down and when I tried the sleep training method for naps she cried for 45 minutes. That is a really long time. In addition I was struggling to try and work on some projects and my printer wasn't working and the phone line was staticy and the sky was blue. It started to feel like everything was against me and there was no end in sight. Jeff called in the middle of all of this and I was just so mad at him. Actually no, I wasn't mad at him, I was mad and he was there. Why is it that we are the meanest to those who love us the most? Maybe because we can rest in the knowledge that no matter how awful we are they will forgive us.

Jeff came home and we managed to get her to be fairly calm and then we put her down for bed and she cried. She probably only cried for about 20 minutes but again, that feels like a day and a half when it comes at the end of a long day. At one point I went and sat in the car because it was the only place I couldn't hear her. The worst part about it is I wish I could tell you that I couldn't listen to her cry because it breaks my heart but at that point I couldn't listen to her cry because I wanted to throw things.

When I look back on it I know there are a couple of things that contributed to that day being so bad. Some of it is my personality, my anal nature makes failure and an inability to get things done very hard for me. I wish that would get better but I am not sure it will, I am working on it. Part of it is that the weather has been very cold which makes it hard to get out to get some fresh air and that is hard for me. A lot of it is that I was not able to take a step back and be still and know that God will get me through. The sermon in church on Sunday was about God's promises. It was very powerful to me because the pastor asked, why is it so hard for us to remember God's promises? It was humbling.

At the end of it all I only pray that next time a day like that comes along (and I am not foolish enough to think that it won't) I hope I can take a deep breath, pray for help, let myself be loved and remember what a blessing she is to me.

Opening Day

So I know I have been sort of quiet lately and that is mostly because life has not been quiet for us. My dad was here the weekend of the 18th for the baby dedication. We had a great visit. He and Nancy seemed to really enjoy the baby and she was good. Then that next week we had a little bit of a baby melt down. For some reason she started hysterically crying on Thursday night and then she did it again on Friday night. On top of that she didn't want to be laid down and she was up constantly throughout the night. I almost wish she had never slept through the night so early because then we would not know what we are missing. Now she sleeps through the night maybe two nights a week. The last two nights we have had better nights and have only woken up once, ate and went back to sleep relatively peacefully. I think the problem is that she is now aware enough of her surroundings to know when and how she is falling asleep. I am reading a sleep book by Dr. Richard Ferber that basically says if they fall asleep in your arms and then they wake up and they are not in your arms they will not be able to go back to sleep. He likens it to if you fell asleep each night in your bed and suddenly you woke up and you were in the living room and not only that but the door to your bedroom was locked. Well you would wake someone up to let you back in to your bedroom plus you would be ticked. Then you would start trying to stay awake to try and catch whoever is moving you to the living room. Wow, who knew it was this complicated. So now we are getting in to a better pattern and woking through it.

In happier news Sunday was opening day for the Cardinals. If it was like a holiday before it is like Christmas this year since we are the reigning world champions. We took the baby to the rally downtown and had some fresh air and sunshine before Jeff went on to the game and Emmy and I went home to watch Extreme Makeover Home Edition. A good time was had by all. I did apparently miss Emmy's debut on the jumbotron at the stadium. She appeared in a Hardee's in-game feature. Pretty fun stuff.

The Parents as Teachers lady is coming today, I fully expect her to tell me that my kid is a genius or at least she is cute. I always tell her it is better to be smart than pretty but lucky for her she is both.

Enjoy the pics...