Why Do I Forget

Words are my constant companion.  I have tons of them in my head at any given time.  I don't know why I forget that I have to let them out or they slowly rot like last week's leftovers.  I finally realized this morning that THAT is why I am struggling so much right now. 

The world has turned upside down. The novel Coronavirus is taking the United States by storm and communities around the country are doing everything they can to combat the spread and slow down the epidemic so as not to overwhelm our healthcare system.  People are getting sick at an alarming rate and people are dying. I say all this so that I will remember in the years to come why the spring of 2020 looked like such a hot mess.  I mean like the day after that college fraternity party where they served jungle juice hot mess. 

I am struggling.  I find myself unnerved because I thrive on routines.  I even create routines on vacation because spontaneity is not my forte.  Y'all I literally eat my snacks at the same time each day.  I am a nut job.  My normal routine has been upended.  I am stuck inside my house with no routine.  This is not good.  Lots of people on social media are all, I love having my family together. The slow down is welcome.  I want to feel like that.  On Sunday when we found out school was closing for two weeks I felt like this was going to be my shining Little House on the Prairie moment.  I was going to teach myself to sew and make yogurt in the instant pot. I am made for this! After all, I spend lots of time at home on the regular.  I am a STAY-AY-HOME mom for the love. I was wrong about all of it.  I am not made for this.  While I do spend a fair amount of time at home, I also go to Bible study (canceled), volunteer at school (cancelled), serve with the kids theater group (cancelled) and just go to the store for groceries often (not cancelled but frowned upon.)  The point is, now that I am being asked to stay home I don't want to.  I mean in my head I am like a toddler stamping her feet and refusing to eat non-beige foods. I don't want to and you can't make me!!! 

Then it hit me, it is not the places that I miss or even the routine.  It is the people. I never realized how much I rely on being able to go to Hobby Lobby and chat with Marlene at the fabric counter.  Or dropping by Target and saying hey to the long fake eyelash lady that works at Starbucks.  Jeff makes fun of me because I will talk to anyone and everyone.  His introvert self is embarrassed by my incessant talking to what he perceives as strangers. The thing is, to me, they aren't strangers, they are just friends waiting to be made.  Even in this age of texting, I talk on the phone to a friend at least twice a week. So now I have no people, no place to exchange my words for fresh words from others.  I have not spoken at length to another adult besides my husband for four days. 

There are SO MANY WORDS, inside my head.  When I don't let my words out they sneak out in unhealthy ways - snarky comments to my husband, unneeded reprimands to my children, harsh words for the blessed dogs even. Or they rattle around inside causing me to feel anxious from their abundance and disorder.   The worried words come first and they congregate to make questions. How long will this last?  Is my dad safe?  Will Emmy get to do the spring musical at school?  Will Sam get to have a fifth grade graduation?  What about the high school seniors?  Next on deck, sad words.  Those poor kids have worked so hard and now they can't do their production.  So many missed moments.  The marathons trained for, the recitals practiced for, the weddings dreamed of - it is all so sad.  Then angry words - I CAN NOT STAY INSIDE FOREVER!  I don't want to!  Please don't make me.  Why is this happening?

Then the guilt ridden words come. The words come together to form condemnations, about how I am selfish and privileged.  I am not a bar tender who no longer has a bar to tend.  I am not a bus driver who no longer has people to drive.  I am not worried about a paycheck or how my kids will eat lunch since school is closed.  I am JUST a stir crazy housewife with too much time on her hands. Just is a very powerful word and tends to be the single spore that starts the rotting process for me.

I like to close out my day with shameful words. You are a lousy role model for your kids.  What kind of Christian are you even?  You are a child of God- you know to lean in to Him not the world.  There are so many people who have it worse off than you.  Focus on gratitude.  Get it together!  (These are some of my favorite words so I leave them laying about in a handy space so I can always beat my self up with them.)

Do you see how it is literally like watching organic matter decay?

So here I am letting my words out into the fresh open air.  I may not be able to exchange words with real people but I also don't have to leave them trapped in my head rotting away.  I don't need anyone else to consume them, I just need to get them out into the light.  The Bible talks about taking your thoughts captive which means that you have to reign those words in when they start to get unwieldy.  My words were starting to cause me harm so I am capturing them on virtual paper so they can come out of my head.  If someone reads this and finds comfort because they too have lots of words feel free to chat with me.  We could even talk on the phone, or pretend like we are at the fabric counter at Hobby Lobby.