This past week I have been in a funk. To be honest I have been feeling dumb and a little worthless. If I look back I think I usually cycle through this feeling about every six months or so and it frustrates me that I can not shake it for good. Logically I know I am an intelligent person but recently I am plagued by passing thoughts like "you are just a dumb housewife and you have no real value." There are days when I pick up, sweep up, mop up and clean up incessantly, it is a never ending task with no real sense of accomplishment because it never gets "done". I know I have two small children and I know that I am honoring God and that I am doing a good thing raising my kids but knowing those things and feeling those things are very different. I believe that my emotions often lead me down the wrong path because they are not always based on truth and they are very hard to ignore. I wish I knew some way to confront the emotions and take the sting out of them.
When I worked I had clients who regularly told me how much they valued my experience and my insight. At this point I feel like I have no real knowledge to share with the world. Most days I feel like I have no idea what I am doing and I really don't like that spot. I used to be confident and even if I was not completely sure of a decision I could sell it to anyone within earshot. Now I spend fifteen minutes debating wether to use sugar or splenda in my coffee because I can't decide which is worse, the calories from sugar or the chemicals from splenda. Should I be eating this piece of string cheese? Should I let Sam have an oatmeal raisin flax cookie? Why doesn't Sam listen when I say no, is he too young or am I doing something wrong? Am I teaching Emelia that happiness comes from things when I get her a new doll? How can I find time to go to the gym, get my chores done and make sure Sam gets two naps? Am I a bad friend? Am I a bad mom? Am I a bad wife? Am I a bad christian? I sometimes feel like I am being held captive by the never ending doubts in my head. If I don't focus on a specific thing I can just become lost inside my own brain. Normally I do a pretty good job of navigating this sea of craziness but last week I could not seem to right my ship on that sea. Then I get mad at myself for not capturing my thoughts and taming my tongue and all the other things the Bible says to do and then I end up in this tailspin.
I am not sure why I am writing about this other than that maybe getting it out would help me to tame it. Writing about it does seem to bring some clarity to the funk. I have been having trouble identifying what I was feeling. The trouble with feelings is that they have no merit. They are not based on reality most of the time nor are they based on logic but I don't know what to do with these things. How do you place a value on your day when you stay at home? I think I start to assign value based on the nutritional value of my children's food, the cleanliness of my house, the behavior of my children, the things checked off my to-do list, etc. The problem with that is then I always fail. Not a day goes by that the floors are not dirty, I don't drink enough water, I have not had enough quiet time with God, my children have not eaten enough vegetables, we have not watched too much TV according the AAP, I haven't worked out enough, etc. I try to tell myself that some days I just have to be "enough" and be satisfied with putting in a good effort because no one ever died from watching too much Mickey Mouse Clubhouse or eating a fruit snack. In my mind I believe that, but these feelings of inadequacy just mount until I feel worthless and filled with doubt. Maybe the problem is not that I don't have enough knowledge, maybe I have too much knowledge. Maybe if I did not know about the toddler food pyramid and the AAP guidelines for TV viewing for children and the "seven rules for raising well-behaved kids" I would not know everything I wasn't doing right. I don't know, I guess for now the best I can do is pray, try to clean the kitchen and have another cup of coffee with splenda since I put sugar in the last cup.
