HGTV Overdose

I am sick.  I mean really sick.  I was a little sniffly yesterday but today I am miserable.  God bless my husband who not only watched the kids but did the laundry and vacuumed. 

When he got home yesterday we had a great talk and he is really stressed out.  I am so glad I wrote on my blog yesterday because it really helped me work through my issues.  It helped me to focus on the truths and supress the lies.  Wow, it sort of sounds like voices in my head weird stuff but it isn't like that.  You know though how when you are grumpy it just sort of snowballs in to this ball of junk.  I put my ball of junk down though.

Having stayed in bed all day I watched a ton of HGTV.  I can actually say that I am over it.  I am on to the Screen Actor's Guild Awards.  I am watching the red carpet - LOVE it!  This Ross Mathews guy is just too much.  I need him to go away.  Okay, I get the gay sidekick for the lovely red carpet host but oy, he is just over the top.  Now for cup of hot tea and then back to bed.  Hoping I feel better tomorrow.

Already Struggling

This is the first official weekend of the MBA program.  Jeff has already been to ND for one week at the beginning of the month but this is the first of the "every other weekend" thing.  I am already struggling.  I have this awful feeling of why are we doing this.  In the past whenever we have embarked on something really difficult (by choice) it has been with a very tangible outcome to look forward to.  The best comparison I have is moving.  The trouble with this whole MBA thing is I can not see what the outcome is other than some serious student loans and a piece of paper.  If I am objective (tough at this moment) then I can see that it offers Jeff more options for advancement in the future and makes him more marketable.  Great, then, tough to "look forward to" right now. 

Jeff left Friday morning at 5:45 am and will probably be home around 6:30 Saturday.  In the mean time Emelia is sick and "wants her daddy" and woke up multiple times last night.  It just stinks.  I want to be supportive and I know that I am being selfish.  Unfortunately that knowledge does not stop the feelings of what is in this for me or our family?  It sounds terrible even as I write it.  I want to not feel that way.  The only thing I can do is pray about it and work on it.  Maybe once we are "used" to it it will not be so bad.  Maybe when it is spring or summer it will not be so bad.  I miss Jeff but mostly I miss our daddy because he is a bigger help than I often give him credit for.

I really do want to not be this way and I am trying to not let my feeling cloud my behavior.  It is not like Jeff loves being away from his family, I know that to be true.  Maybe that is what I need to focus on.  What do I know to be true about the situation?

1. Jeff loves us and would not do this if he did not think it was in the best interest of our family.
2. Jeff does not enjoy being away from us and will not ever be away more than he feels is necessary.
3. Jeff is also struggling with this situation and is trying to find his footing.
4. We are a family that was created by God and He put this opportunity in Jeff's path and after praying about it we decided this was what God wanted for us so if I believe it is God's will than it should be my will as well.
5. I love Jeff and he loves me and he works hard for our family both at work and at home.

What is not a lie that I am telling myself?
1. Jeff doesn't care about me.
2. This is more than I can handle.
3. This is selfish of Jeff.
4. Jeff is off gallivanting all over downtown Chicago getting smarter as I sit home with the kids getting dumber by the minute.
5. There is nothing in this for me or the kids except sacrifice.

I recently heard a message by Andy Stanley and he said giving something up now for something better in the future is not a sacrifice, it is an investment.  I will choose to look at this as an investment in Jeff and our future.  Here's hoping I can talk myself out of the lies and in to the truth.

Not to be

Jeff got me a new iPod for Christmas.  My old iPod was beganing to fade.  So I finally got the new one out and set it up yesterday.  I spent two hours making new play lists to run.  I downloaded a bunch of music and I was super pumped to finally get back to the gym and run.  (I have felt crummy the last two weeks and managed to get to Yoga but I just didn't have the energy to run.)

I got up early and got ready and got everyone else ready.  I dropped Emelia off at school and headed for the gym, where I found the driveway blocked by police cars.  Apparently there was a chemical spill in the poolhouse and the gym was evacuated.  Are you kidding me?  I downloaded music!  I made a play list entitled Run Forest Run!  I hooked up my Nike iPod running gizmo!  Alas, it was not to be so I came home and colored my hair instead.  Before you tell me to run outside I will tell you that it was a breezy 20 degrees outside this morning.   So no, I did not even consider running outside.

The Move Melt Down

Usually when we move I have a melt down sometime in the first three months after we move.  Usually it comes at a time when I am frustrated by something I can't find which triggers a "why did we move here" moment which is typically followed by a "I don't have any friends" moment.  The whole thing usually culminates in a phone call to Jeff where I talk about how much I "hate it here" and he feels bad then I feel bad and then I cry and then we talk it through and that is that.  (I tend toward the dramatic and I have no internal processor for my feelings which is a terrible combination.)

The thing is, I like it here, a lot.  I like Batavia, I like our house.  The people have been amazingly nice.  The Target pharmacist called the other day to see how Sam was doing with his antibiotic.  The Target pharmacist in Omaha never made that call.  The urgent care doctor called today to see how I was feeling after seeing me in ten minutes flat yesterday.  I mean really?    And yet, I can feel the melt down coming on.  Maybe it is less of a melt down and more of a softening, like when you leave butter out for a recipe, it still holds it's shape, but subject it to the pressure of a hand mixer and it turns in to a lump.

Jeff is out of town and Sam has been sick and then I got sick and now it is snowing.  None of this is extraordinary but combined it just makes me long for people.  People that really know me.  Not the moms at preschool that I comb my hair for or the ladies from Bible study that I chew gum to hide my coffee breath from, but real friends who laugh when I tell them I have not brushed my teeth today and commiserate when I tell them the sound of my son following me around yelling "maaaa" makes me feel like I am being chased by a deranged billy goat.  I am tired and PMSed and still a little sick and well, I want my mommy

I am trying to stave off the melt down wish me luck.  Now back to my billy goat, my baby girl some popcorn and Cars.

The Kitchen

The kitchen is coming along.  The cabinets are done we are waiting on pulls.  Of course the inexpensive nice ones I found online are backordered until February.  Whatever!  We will get new countertops when we save up the money this spring sometime and then a backsplash sometime in the next year.  Jeff painted the kitchen last weekend and it looks great so the backsplash is a little less important but I do want some bling still.   : )
Here are pics from the next round of changes and then I will post pics of the finished cabinets which look amazing!

 They took all the doors and drawers to refinish them at their shop.  They took out the non-working microwave above the stove and they tore up the soffitt and pulled it back to just above the cabinets.

 We did end up replacing the lighting this round instead of waiting because it was much less expensive since the wires were all exposed because the soffitt was open.

 The lighting made such a difference, I came in and started crying.  The kitchen looked so beautiful even without drawers and doors.

 This is Sam and Emelia's favorite morning activity, cuddling on the couch, it is pretty sweet till she steals the blanket or he pushes her off the couch.

This about sums up our effort to take a family Christmas picture.  It totally makes me laugh, I love it!

Life's Instruction Manual

Ever since I can remember I have said that I wish life came with an instruction manual.  As my faith life increased I stopped saying that because people would say, "it does, it is called the Bible."  I would think that is great if you are a pastor but what about for regular old me.  Lately as I have been having quiet time and particularly as I have been reading this week I have realized it is for regular old me as well. 

Twice this week as I have read Mathew I have come across verses I am very familiar with but the preceding or following verse I was not familiar with and they were the instruction manual.  It was truly a Eureka moment for me.  On Monday I was looking at Mathew 6:34 (which was the verse I picked in eighth grade for my confirmation verse, yes folks I was a worrier even way back then.) It says, "Do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day has enough trouble of it's own."  I know the verse by heart, great!  But verse 33 tells us exactly how to do that.  It says "But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things will be provided for you.  You see God tells us not to worry, (great let's see how well that works.)  But then he tells us what to do instead.  This is awesome, I love being told what to do - sometimes.  : )

Then today I was struck by Mathew 17: 20-21.  You know, the old faith like a mustard seed verse.  "..For I assure you : If you have faith the size of a mustard seed you will tell this mountain "Move from here to there" and it will move, nothing will be impossible for you. " Now here is the kicker in verse 21.  "However this kind of faith does not come out except by prayer and fasting."  You see, here is the instruction on how to get that mountain-moving faith.  I love it! 

Now my prayer is that I hear the word, know the word, understand the word and DO the word.  Finally an instruction manual for the rest of us. 

Oopsie

Well is looks like I did not achieve my goal of writing in my blog more in 2010.  In fact I actually wrote in my blog less in 2010.  I think I skipped entire months.  You see I did not foresee this move.  2010 was supposed to be the year of nothing, well that did not happen.  I don't suspect it will happen in 2011 either.  : )

Jeff officially starts his MBA program through Notre Dame on January 10.  That means every other weekend he will spend Friday and Saturday at their downtown Chicago campus.  He will also probably need to devote anywhere from 15-25 hours a week to studying on top of the 32 hours each month he will physically be in class.  This is a pretty daunting prospect for us.  Jeff has always been very good at work life balance but he is also great at giving me time away from everyone and everything.  Maybe I am spoiled or selfish but I also know I am a better mom for having some time with no one NEEDING me at that very moment.  It looks like some of that time is going to have to give because we don't want to sacrifice family time.  We will see what that looks like when the time comes.

Since about the beginning of November I have been waking up around six and having 30-45 minutes of quiet time with God before the kids get up.  It has been really nice.  God really reveals things to me through his word in that time.  I was doing a devotional/Bible study from Beth Moore called Jesus: the one and only but I finished that so I have just been reading the gospels.  I started with John and am now doing Mathew.  Today the verse that really stuck out to me was Mathew 11:28-30.  "Come to me all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest.  All of you take up my yoke and learn from me for I am gentle and humble of heart and you will find rest for yourselves.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." 

It is funny because last night Sam and Emelia were both having trouble sleeping.  I slept about five hours on Sunday night because Sam was up and then slept well Monday night but woke up feeling terrible.  I was so hoping to go to be early last night but just as I turned off the light Emelia woke up with a night terror.  They are so scary, she cries and screams and thrashes but is not awake and then just as abruptly as it started it ends.  So she went back to bed then Sam woke up and was up for two and a half hours.  Normally we are advocates of letting him cry it out because he will usually go to sleep and sleep really well once he wears himself out but my dad and Nancy are visiting so I didn't want to wake them.  It was rough.  You would think he was asleep and then he would start up again.  I was reciting this verse in my head.  Come to me all you who are weary (I was sooo weary) and burdened (at that point I felt very burdened) and I will give you rest.  (God, maybe you could start with the kids and then I could get rest.)

The funny thing is I could not remember what the reference was.  I thought it was in Mathew but I wasn't sure then God being the sweet one that he is showed it to me today as I read.  Thank you Lord for giving me rest for my weary soul and even for my weary body.   Yoga class here I come - if Sam isn't sick that is.   

Things to Remember about Today

I ran six miles today.  I would have never thought I could run that far or for that long.  It was the strangest thing.  Sam has had a cold so I have not been able to go to the gym in a little over a week.  The last time I went to the gym Emelia had been sick so I had not been for a week before that either. Last week it was really tough for me to run.  I walked two laps to warm up (six laps is a mile), ran a mile, walked two laps, ran a mile etc. until I had walked one mile and run three. Today I walked my two warm up laps and started to run and figured I would try to run four miles.  I got to three and said, I can do five.  Then I got close to four and said I wonder if  I can do six.  I just sort of hit a zone.  It was awesome.  When I stopped I walked a lap and felt drunk.  I was dizzy and weaving and tired.  It was crazy, I thought man I should have just kept running.  I felt like Forest Gump.

Oh, and Sam said Please.  It was also awesome.  

Cowboys and Princesses

I have not posted pictures for awhile so here are a few.  Some are from Halloween and some are to chronicle the kitchen process.  I will put updated kitchen pics up soon but this is where we started.

Our little princess... she was worried her teachers would not recognize her as Emelia since she looked so much like Princess Aurora.

They had a parade at preschool, she loved it!

So did Sam!

This is her class, the little girl dressed as Curious George was so cute, her older sister in the next class up was the Man with Yellow Hat.

Sam has loved Woody since we went to Disneyland.  I actually found the costume at the Goodwill, yes it was unopened and from this year but missing the hat and boots (Target donated it!) , I just bought those separately.  He was so excited and loves his boots.

Trying to get them both looking at the camera and not doing something silly at the same time is nearly impossible.

 Sam wanted to take the hat on and off more than wear it so eventually I gave up.

Emelia was pretty unsure about this house but there was a sweet old man on the other side of the grim reaper.  

 Sam showing off his loot

 This is the kitchen when we bought the fridge was huge so it really cut in to the traffic flow on that side of the room.  The stove had two burners and the other side was a grill (apparently very top of the line Jenn-Air 20 years ago.)  The microwave didn't work.  The soffit hungover the cabinets by about a foot and was painted dark green so it felt like you were cooking in a cave. 

We have gotten new appliances which was awesome!  They all came from the Sears Outlet and were 40-60% below resale because they were scratched or dented in some way.  I so don't care!  We have been so blessed to find really good deals and really good contractors to help us.  The electrician was here yesterday and it turns out he goes to our church!  They took down the giant fluorescent light and the cans in the soffit were already gone so they put in two pendents and some recessed lights.  When I came home from the grocery store and saw the results I literally cried.  The kitchen looked so beautiful even with no cabinets or drawers and a huge hole in the wall.  I can't wait to see when it is all done.

Content

Once again I find that so much time has passed since my last post.  Part of that is that we are working on the house and I think I spend every spare Internet minute looking at light fixtures or curtains or something like that.  I truly have purchased (and returned) three sets of drapes for the dining room before deciding on the ones I actually hung.  The sad part is once I got them up I really wished I had kept the first pair which I loved but really did not work with the room once we painted it. 

We found a lovely couple who have a small business refinishing cabinets and doing some carpentry work.  We have hired them to work on the kitchen.  They tore out the gigantic overhanging soffit and it already feels so much more open.  Currently the doors and drawers are at their shop being worked on which means you can see every sippy, every glass and every princess plate in my cabinets.  It also means that my silverware is in a box, my utensils are in another box and so on.  I am not complaining though, it is going to look great when we are all done and it is about 1/4 the cost of new cabinets.  We are going to have to wait and do the countertops and backsplash (oh yes, I will have a glass tile backsplash) in the spring but I can't wait to see the finished product. 

The crazy thing is even with all this chaos going on I feel really happy right now.  More than happy, I feel content.  The other night I was putting Sam to bed and after we read and I sang to him I just sat rocking him in the dark for a few minutes and I thought,  I want to remember this moment.  At 7:33 p.m. on November 14 2010 I felt content with my world.   I have not lost that extra ten pounds and I need my hair colored (badly I might add).  My kitchen is a crazy mess.  My bedroom curtains are being hung up by nails right now and you could feed a child with the crumbs that are in the folds of the chair I am sitting in (stinkin' graham crackers) but I am content.   I am not saying that none of that stuff matters or that I wouldn't like to eventually have curtain rods and a crumb free chair, but I have finally come to terms with the fact that none of that will provide contentment because it is very temporary.  My relationship with Jesus and his love for me and my love for Him is really the only thing out there that isn't temporary.  I have a hard time talking about my faith with people outside of my church (or past church) circles but as I was thinking about this the other day, I realized that the nicest thing I could do for anyone is to tell them about Jesus and how He has changed my life.  It is tough because you feel like maybe you will be judged by people or people will think you are weird or crazy but really even if they do so what.  It is not even really about the "eternal" implications of heaven and hell, it is about making it through this world.  It is about  knowing that someone who knows EVERYTHING about you and where you have been and what you have done LOVES you anyway.  When my mom died one of the things I struggled with most was feeling like no one would love me unconditionally.  When my mom found out I was having sex at 16 she was not happy and we had some serious talks but she loved me even though I disappointed her.  When I got in a car accident that was totally my fault, she loved me anyway.  It took awhile for me to really come to terms with the fact that Jesus loves me unconditionally even though he knows not just the public acts, but the private ones too.  This is the source of my contentment.  I can't guarantee that I will never feel discontent again and I still struggle with all kinds of things (not the least of which is my desire for perfection) but I know that righting any of the "wrongs" in my life will not fill me up only Jesus can do that.

Phewww

I have not posted for quite some time because life has been crazy!  On July 14 Jeff came home from his annual review and said well my boss wants to know if we want to go to Naperville.  Conagra has an office in Naperville and Jeff had jokingly brought up the idea of him working from there because he was anxious to get back to a larger city.  So we came to Naperville to see if we could even afford to make the move.  We decided we could, it would be a stretch but we could get through.  And here we sit two months later writing this post from our house in Batavia Illinois just outside of Naperville.  What a whirlwind. 

God has been amazing throughout this whole thing.  We were able to sell our house before we even put it on the market.  We had a tough time finding a house out here but we feel like we are in the right house.  We are settling in.  Emelia started preschool, I found the Target, we are moving right along. 

Now to just take a deep breath and take it all in.

Woody and Buzz

We are back from our Disneyland/Papa Dave's house vacation.  A good time was had by all but we now face the challenge of getting back in to our routine.  Oh boy!  I will post pictures soon.

Emelia had some awesome quotes while we were gone. 

When Princess Aurora had to go backstage she says "she must have to go potty."

At one pint I made her try to go to teh bathroom before we left for teh park.  She sat on the toilet and said "the pee-pee is taking a relax right now and doesn't want to come out."  Really?  She is so funny.

Speaking of Poop...

Warning - the following post is perhaps more info than anyone wanted to know but after the thought popped in my head I thought "I must record this mom moment."

Have you ever walked in to a bathroom at someone else's house and thought "The person who was in here before me must have pooped."  You have this response not because it smells like poop but because it smells like lilac-scented poop.  This used to happen often at my grandma's house.  The grandkids would inevitably eat a bunch of junk but we were all pre-teens and were embarrassed that we pooped.  Grandma always had a can of air freshener on the back of the toilet - usually orchard spice or some such nonsense.  So you would walk in to the bathroom and it smelled like apple pie poop.  Gross, I know.

So Sam has been eating a lot of blueberries lately.  By a lot I mean I think he has eaten two cups in the last two and a half days.  So tonight I took off his shorts and his diaper was full.  I thought "that's strange" because when Sam poops people next door can smell it.  When I opened his diaper I was immediately taken back to grandmas', because it smelled like blueberry poop.  It also looked like blueberry pie filling.  Instead of being completely grossed out I was oddly nostalgic for grandma's apple pie poop bathroom.

Parenting Tips from a Priss

I confess, I am kind of a priss.  Not so much in demeanor but in my avoidance of dirt.  I am not a germaphobe and I have no issue with the things I can not see in dirt (like e-coli or what not), it is the mess that I see that bothers me.  (If you have known me since high school or college and have seen my room you will know that this has NOT been a life long problem.)  I somehow have come to equate pristine with serene.  When everything is in its' place then all will be peaceful.  (I don't know where I got this.)  I don't like it when my kids' faces are dirty or their clothes for that matter.  I don't like to make a mess and I don't like to play in the dirt.  I am not an outdoorsy girl.  I am not even a sporty girl.  I like to watch sports but I still have traumatic memories of doge ball and gym class.

I am trying desperately not to pass this on to Emelia.  I can't tell you how many times I would be sick to my stomach knowing someone was going to ask me to play volleyball at a picnic or softball at a company outing.  I don't want Emelia to go through that.  So I really try to be encouraging about playing sports and not being afraid of balls and the like.  I am not so good about letting everyone get messy.  Things have gotten better since Sam came because he is somehow inherently dirty - all the time.  I try to just let them be.    Messiness is not the end of the world and I am all for letting kids be kids.  Emelia does have some priss tendencies - she doesn't like to walk on sand and she is like the princess and the pea if one grain of sand gets in her shoes.  Sam could care less - you go buddy.

Today God gave me an excellent opportunity to practice priss-free parenting.  We went for a walk around the lake.  It is a 3.5 mile walk and then we stop at the playground.  It has been raining since Sunday here so there was lots of water.  When I tried to be fun and take a trail out to a little island I pushed the double wide through about five inches of mud.  So now my tires are covered in mud as are my shoes.  Okay, I will deal.    We get to the playground and the sand is all wet and Emelia and Sam are shoveling in it.  Sam proceeds to EAT a shovelful - with a smile and a few rocks spit back out.  Okay, I will deal.  Emelia has to go to the bathroom... in the outhouse.  Okay, still dealing.  Now Sam is covered in wet sand from head to toe and Emelia wants a snack.  We head back to the car and I dust Sam off the best I can, I use a wipe to wash hands and I throw in some sanitizer for good measure.  I hand each half a fruit and cereal bar.  Sam mashes it up and shoves as much of it in to his mouth as he can.  The rest he smears in his hair.   I give up.  We are going to Target, they will look like rug rats and I am just going to have to suck it up and deal.  I did just that.  We weren't pristine but we had fun, got what we needed and no one gave us a dirty look.  The woman at the bakery even gave us a free cookie.

Maybe messy is more fun.      

Baseball Babies

For Father's Day I had a friend of mine take some pictures of the kids in their Cardinals gear for Jeff.  It was not the best photo shoot either of them has had.  Halfway through they both had to break for a snack and that is when we got my favorite photo...

This one cracks me up because Emelia is trying to "put her arm around" Sam but she ends up choking him and looks delighted while Sam just looks put out.

Everyone Poops

This book is Emelia's current bedtime read of choice.  Why this book and why now I don't know.  The only thing I can think of is that bodily functions are funny at our house.

Jeff and my mom had something in common you see - they both loved potty humor.  My mom would stand in the card aisle for an hour trying to find just the right fart card.  Jeff makes up songs about poop and pee.  Abba's "Lovin' Me Lovin' You" turns in to Goin' Pee, Goin' Poo, I do numbers one and two.  Emelia and he father make each other laugh by playing a game called I want to eat... (then they fill in the blank with poopy diapers, or underpants or tushies.)  I try to discourage this because the first time she blurted out that she wanted to eat underpants in line at Target I about died.  Jeff is now on board with discouraging this but he can't help himself sometimes.

The other day Emelia tooted, I know because I could smell it.  I asked "did you toot" and she giggled and said "aahhhh it smells rosy!"  Then she proceeded to laugh hysterically.  I am pretty sure my mom was giggling right along with her up in heaven.

I try not to be a stick in the mud but my manners alarm goes off in huge ways when this stuff comes up, which is ironic given my mom's love of the word fart.  So,  alas we try to compromise by reading Everyone Poops.

What a Difference a Day Makes

Thank you to all my friends who sent me notes or phone calls of encouragement.  It really was helpful just two get it out on paper (not really paper but you know what I mean.)  God also used many different moments (calls from friends lyrics from a song, etc.) to give me a hug and say buck up camper.  Today I am filled with wonder at how good God is.  I feel like the funk has lifted and I can rejoice in who I am.  (By the way I put sugar in my coffee - and I am done thinking about it.)  I am certain there will still be days when I wish I was still a career woman but such is life,

Today is Sam's birthday.  Can you believe he is one year old?  As I was writing in my devotional this morning, there were days when I didn't think either one of us would make it to today.  Those first eight months were really hard, those first six weeks were mind-numbing.  So many times I yelled at God, where are you?  Why won't you make him sleep?  God was gentle and let me have my hissy fits and then reminded me that he never said life would be easy only that I would not have to bear it alone.  I just hope that some day I can help someone else when they are in the midst of a baby crisis.

I recently did a picture wall at my house, I am hoping to post pics soon but here are some of the pictures from that all.  Happy birthday Sam!

Value

This past week I have been in a funk.  To be honest I have been feeling dumb and a little worthless.  If I look back I think I usually cycle through this feeling about every six months or so and it frustrates me that I can not shake it for good.  Logically I know I am an intelligent person but recently I am plagued by passing thoughts like "you are just a dumb housewife and you have no real value."  There are days when I pick up, sweep up, mop up and clean up incessantly, it is a never ending task with no real sense of accomplishment because it never gets "done".  I know I have two small children and I know that I am honoring God and that I am doing a good thing raising my kids but knowing those things and feeling those things are very different.  I believe that my emotions often lead me down the wrong path because they are not always based on truth and they are very hard to ignore.  I wish I knew some way to confront the emotions and take the sting out of them.

When I worked I had clients who regularly told me how much they valued my experience and my insight.  At this point I feel like I have no real knowledge to share with the world.  Most days I feel like I have no idea what I am doing and I really don't like that spot.  I used to be confident and even if I was not completely sure of a decision I could sell it to anyone within earshot.  Now I spend fifteen minutes debating wether to use sugar or splenda in my coffee because I can't decide which is worse, the calories from sugar or the chemicals from splenda.  Should I be eating this piece of string cheese?  Should I let Sam have an oatmeal raisin flax cookie?  Why doesn't Sam listen when I say no, is he too young or am I doing something wrong?  Am I teaching Emelia that happiness comes from things when I get her a new doll?  How can I find time to go to the gym, get my chores done and make sure Sam gets two naps?  Am I a bad friend?  Am I a bad mom?  Am I a bad wife?  Am I a bad christian?    I sometimes feel like I am being held captive by the never ending doubts in my head.  If I don't focus on a specific thing I can just become lost inside my own brain.  Normally I do a pretty good job of navigating this sea of craziness but last week I could not seem to right my ship on that sea.  Then I get mad at myself for not capturing my thoughts and taming my tongue and all the other things the Bible says to do and then I end up in this tailspin.  

I am not sure why I am writing about this other than that maybe getting it out would help me to tame it.  Writing about it does seem  to bring some clarity to the funk.  I have been having trouble identifying what I was feeling.  The trouble with feelings is that they have no merit.  They are not based on reality most of the time nor are they based on logic but I don't know what to do with these things.  How do you place a value on your day when you stay at home?  I think I start to assign value based on the nutritional value of my children's food, the cleanliness of my house, the behavior of my children, the things checked off my to-do list, etc.  The problem with that is then I always fail.  Not a day goes by that the floors are not dirty,  I don't drink enough water, I have not had enough quiet time with God, my children have not  eaten enough vegetables, we have not watched too much TV according the AAP, I haven't worked out enough, etc.  I try to tell myself that some days I just have to be "enough" and be satisfied with putting in a good effort because  no one ever died from watching too much Mickey Mouse Clubhouse or eating a fruit snack.  In my mind I believe that, but these feelings of inadequacy just mount until I feel worthless and filled with doubt.  Maybe the problem is not that I don't have enough knowledge, maybe I have too much knowledge.  Maybe if I did not know about the toddler food pyramid and the AAP guidelines for TV viewing for children and the "seven rules for raising well-behaved kids" I would not know everything I wasn't doing right.  I don't know, I guess for now the best I can do is pray, try to clean the kitchen and have another cup of coffee with splenda since I put sugar in the last cup.         

Emelia's List

Emelia told me she was making a list, which for her is squiggles on paper, but she loves list making.  (Wonder where she gets that!?!)  I asked her what was one her list and this is what she said...

Peanut Butter
Chocolate
Milk
Exerists (a made up word that she says is "fancy" for candy)

Not a bad list if you are three...

Cutie Pies

I have not posted photos in awhile mostly because I did not know how to get the pics off our new camera but today I did it!  (Go me!)  Here are some funny pics of the kids.

Sam got in to Emelia's markers (washable thank goodness) and here is the result.

Emelia saw this dress on our first ever girl's shopping trip.  She got to try it on in the fitting room.  She loved the whole experience.  She also had her first piece of chewing gum that day.  It was a big day.

Sam is a really good eater.  He seems to really eat almost anything you put in front of him except fruit.  He only likes bananas, which is funny since Emelia only liked fruit at this age.  They are just so different.  Here he is enjoying spaghetti.

When the weather finally got nice we started venturing out but one day we were supposed to hit the zoo but rain sent us to the Children's Museum instead.  They both had a blast.

Sam thinks his sister is about the funniest person ever.  He is such a big fan.  She is good with him but sometimes feels more strongly about her Barbie than she does Sam.  It will be intersting to see where their relationship goes throughout the years.  I remember having a conversation with my friend Amber about something relating to her brother and her level of love and devotion to him has always stuck with me as I think about Sam and Emelia.  I just pray that they end up the same way.   

One thing is for sure life is never boring.