Value

This past week I have been in a funk.  To be honest I have been feeling dumb and a little worthless.  If I look back I think I usually cycle through this feeling about every six months or so and it frustrates me that I can not shake it for good.  Logically I know I am an intelligent person but recently I am plagued by passing thoughts like "you are just a dumb housewife and you have no real value."  There are days when I pick up, sweep up, mop up and clean up incessantly, it is a never ending task with no real sense of accomplishment because it never gets "done".  I know I have two small children and I know that I am honoring God and that I am doing a good thing raising my kids but knowing those things and feeling those things are very different.  I believe that my emotions often lead me down the wrong path because they are not always based on truth and they are very hard to ignore.  I wish I knew some way to confront the emotions and take the sting out of them.

When I worked I had clients who regularly told me how much they valued my experience and my insight.  At this point I feel like I have no real knowledge to share with the world.  Most days I feel like I have no idea what I am doing and I really don't like that spot.  I used to be confident and even if I was not completely sure of a decision I could sell it to anyone within earshot.  Now I spend fifteen minutes debating wether to use sugar or splenda in my coffee because I can't decide which is worse, the calories from sugar or the chemicals from splenda.  Should I be eating this piece of string cheese?  Should I let Sam have an oatmeal raisin flax cookie?  Why doesn't Sam listen when I say no, is he too young or am I doing something wrong?  Am I teaching Emelia that happiness comes from things when I get her a new doll?  How can I find time to go to the gym, get my chores done and make sure Sam gets two naps?  Am I a bad friend?  Am I a bad mom?  Am I a bad wife?  Am I a bad christian?    I sometimes feel like I am being held captive by the never ending doubts in my head.  If I don't focus on a specific thing I can just become lost inside my own brain.  Normally I do a pretty good job of navigating this sea of craziness but last week I could not seem to right my ship on that sea.  Then I get mad at myself for not capturing my thoughts and taming my tongue and all the other things the Bible says to do and then I end up in this tailspin.  

I am not sure why I am writing about this other than that maybe getting it out would help me to tame it.  Writing about it does seem  to bring some clarity to the funk.  I have been having trouble identifying what I was feeling.  The trouble with feelings is that they have no merit.  They are not based on reality most of the time nor are they based on logic but I don't know what to do with these things.  How do you place a value on your day when you stay at home?  I think I start to assign value based on the nutritional value of my children's food, the cleanliness of my house, the behavior of my children, the things checked off my to-do list, etc.  The problem with that is then I always fail.  Not a day goes by that the floors are not dirty,  I don't drink enough water, I have not had enough quiet time with God, my children have not  eaten enough vegetables, we have not watched too much TV according the AAP, I haven't worked out enough, etc.  I try to tell myself that some days I just have to be "enough" and be satisfied with putting in a good effort because  no one ever died from watching too much Mickey Mouse Clubhouse or eating a fruit snack.  In my mind I believe that, but these feelings of inadequacy just mount until I feel worthless and filled with doubt.  Maybe the problem is not that I don't have enough knowledge, maybe I have too much knowledge.  Maybe if I did not know about the toddler food pyramid and the AAP guidelines for TV viewing for children and the "seven rules for raising well-behaved kids" I would not know everything I wasn't doing right.  I don't know, I guess for now the best I can do is pray, try to clean the kitchen and have another cup of coffee with splenda since I put sugar in the last cup.