Tough Week, Great Weekend

So it has been a little bit of a tough week at our house. I was super busy getting the house ready for another round of visitors plus we painted a couple of the rooms so there is all of the furniture moving that goes along with that. On top of everything else things have been a little strained between Jeff and I. Money has been tight because we basically had to pay for my biopsy out of pocket because we have a pretty high deductible for our insurance. (Our insurance is good but the deductible is high but they give you money towards the deductible but it comes over the course of the year which doesn't help when you have a 4,000 biopsy in March.)

In addition to being a little stressed about money I haven't been sleeping well. I haven't really slept well since I stopped nursing Emelia in February. The doctor prescribed Ambien which was great but you can't stay on it forever so I slowly weaned myself from it and now basically I fall asleep but wake up around 12:00 and can't get back to sleep until 2:00. Then I sleep pretty good until 4:00 and then I toss and turn for another couple hours and then I get up. Needless to say not getting enough sleep makes for a very cranky girl. I am not sure how, but I actually felt like I was sleeping better when she was a new born. On top of all of this I haven't been exercising consistently which makes me feel like a sloth and I have been eating crap. So I just felt off. On Saturday I woke up feeling like the weight of the world was on my shoulders. I am not sure why but I needed to tackle grocery shopping and with food being so expensive, I knew I was going to have to keep a tight reign on things to get through the pay period. I pretty much had a panic attack in Wal-Mart. There were so many people and I just felt like I was going to throw up constantly. When I finally left I couldn't remember where I parked so I couldn't find my car. When I found it I got in in and sobbed. I felt like I couldn't get it together and I felt like Jeff didn't care and I felt unloved and I felt overwhelmed and I felt like the world was getting really small around me.

When I got home I talked to Jeff about it and we had a really good talk. Neither of us was feeling supported and both of us were feeling unloved and it was quietly breaking us down a little at a time. God really worked things out for us because normally when I am that worked up I am really ugly and then Jeff shuts down and we end up going nowhere fast. We were both able to keep our head and heart in the conversation and talk about how we were feeling and how to get through it. I felt like a new woman. The rest of the weekend was really good. We went for walks and played in the park and sat out in the back yard in the sunshine reading and talking.

I know this is a pretty personal thing to write about but I really don't want to forget how scared and terrible I felt Saturday morning and how alive and restored I felt Saturday afternoon. I want to remember God's power so that the next time I am in the valley I don't try to "get myself together" when I should be asking God to get me together.