CHOICE

Ok, disclaimer, I have a lot of stuff rattling around inside my head and maybe 20 more minutes of nap to get it out. My spelling may be bad - it is actually my typing, I am a great speller and my grammar may be worse but this is important for me to put out there so you all can keep me accountable and I can come back and review.

I have had a very insightful weekend. I went to a women's conference at a church here with some friends and I learned a lot. Oddly enough what I learned was about men, mainly my husband but probably all men. I learned that my words are the most powerful device I have. Women in our society often grow up believing sex is their best weapon. Through no fault of my parents I certainly did and frankly it turned in to a weapon of mass desturction for me. In all actuality though our words are far more powerful than any of that craziness. Men want to be respected and my husband is no exception and yet so often I don't respect Jeff. Not because I don't actually respect him and not because I mean to be disrespectful, but mostly because I am frustrated about (fill in the balnk) and I need someone to take it out on and he is there. The baby and the dog have sometimes taken this role too but they are not as good since they don't talk back.

As I started to process what the speaker was saying the word choice came up a lot. She talked about choosing to see a disagreement not as right and wrong but simply a difference of opinion. At one point a women got up and asked what I was thinking. "Okay I get what you are saying, but what if he really is wrong?" I am known to be pretty stubborn and to almost always think my way is right which in turn means that every other way must be wrong. The speaker said that 95% of the time if you can take a step back and choose not to go down the path of right vs. wrong you will see it is just a different way of looking at something or doing something. That is so true especially for me. Usually the outcome I want to see is the same wether we use my way or Jeff's, but again, my way is right.

Not anymore.

The word choice played over and over again in my head and I realized that all of life is a choice. I have made some great choices - God, Jeff, all my friends, those awesome black and pink cowboy boots in 10th grade. I have also made some awful choices - alcohol, boys, the cut off jean shorts I wore with the awsome cowboy boots and mostly bitterness. If I choose to flip my perspectiive and keep hold of my blessings then the hostility can not take over. Yes we moved and yes it is cold and yes I have sad days but by and large I am tremendously blessed. It really is true that God times of trial t perfect your faith and teach perseverance, because honestly the time that my blessings were the clearest were in the days after my mother dies. When she died a part of me died and I missed her more than I can adequately express, I still do really, but I knew one day I would see her again and when I did she would have hair and she wouldn't be sick and we could eat french fries again. So if in the hardest days of my life I could find blessing then why can't I find it now? The answer is because I am choosing not to. I am choosing to give in to fear, doubt and self-pity.

Not anymore.

So I made myself an acronym because I like an acronym almost as much as I like a list. It is probably a little hoakie, but when things feel tense I can hear it in my head and hopefully I will make betters choices.

C -Capture
H - Hostility
O - Offer
I - Instead
C - Christ's
E - Endless Grace

If God can offer me grace after the countless bad choices I have made then I can certainly offer a sliver of grace to the people I love and care about.

Then Sunday came, yes all of this came bursting forth in one day. On Sunday we went back to the first chrch we had tried and I felt it. I felt that gentle vibration where my whole body says yes this is it. God took me to the other churches so I could find Holly and Stephanie and the gang that make me feel like a good mom and a real person. The sermon on Sunday was about the passage where Jesus washes the feet of the disciples. Jesus came to serve not to be served and then it hit me. I have been looking at a church and saying what does this church have to offer me? Are there women's ministries and mom activities and what about Jeff is their men's ministry thriving? What I should have been asking is what do I have for this church. Can my God given gifts have an impact at this church? God is funny like that. One day, one sermon and it all turns around.

God is good and I am thankful for the choices He gives me. I pray each day for the grace to make a better choice than I made the day before.