Shame

I am so ashamed of myself. Last night I completely lost it with Emmy. Jeff was running late coming home and I was trying to get dinner ready. She was tugging at my pant legs and wouldn't leave me alone while I was trying to cook. I thought she was hungry so I gave her a snack and a sippy cup of milk to hold her over until we could all eat dinner together. She wouldn't stop fussing, Jeff called to say he was running later that he thought and I was at the end of my rope. I put her in the high chair and tried to give her some cheeseburger pocket (what we were having for dinner) she spit it back at me so I tried again and she wouldn't open her mouth. I was sure she would like it if she would just try it because she loves cheese. I caught her with her mouth open and managed to wedge a piece in and she apparently felt violated because she began to scream so I screamed at her to just eat it and then she screamed louder and then I screamed again and angrily pulled her high chair tray off and picked her up and yelled, "what do you want?" She just looked at me and screamed and cried, as I sit here typing this I could not feel any worse. I suddenly snapped to my sense and was thought , "dear God what am I doing?" I held her and apologized to her and tried to calm her down because at this point she has big fat tears streaming down her face and was sobbing. I finally got her calmed down and we sat and watched Wheel of Fortune and ate cheeseburger pockets.

I was so ashamed of myself and felt awful. The only saving grace was the thought that she is not old enough to remember that ugliness from her mom. I am trying hard to turn over her eating issues to God. I know in my head that if she is hungry she will eat and if not she won't. I never quite know if she is done with what I have given her or done with dinner and then I worry about her not getting enough nutrition. I know this is only going to get worse based on what I have read and I can not force her to eat so I am praying about it fervently and trying to let go of my anxiety about the situation.

I hope that last night's ugliness will serve as a reminder that not eating is not cause for not loving.