So last Thursday was the hardest day I have had since I brought the baby home. I wasn't sure if I wanted to write about it for several reasons. One, I don't particularly like what I saw of myself that day, two, in hindsight it wasn't that bad. Then I realized that in the moment that day, it was that bad and I felt awful. So much of our society portrays motherhood as this idealized romantic emotionally fulfilling thing. On most days it is or can be all of that. There are days I love her so much it hurts. Then there are days I love her but I don't really like her. That sounds awful, even to me as I read it, but that is the truth and I can't help it.
The trouble is she wouldn't nap. She didn't want to even be put down and when I tried the sleep training method for naps she cried for 45 minutes. That is a really long time. In addition I was struggling to try and work on some projects and my printer wasn't working and the phone line was staticy and the sky was blue. It started to feel like everything was against me and there was no end in sight. Jeff called in the middle of all of this and I was just so mad at him. Actually no, I wasn't mad at him, I was mad and he was there. Why is it that we are the meanest to those who love us the most? Maybe because we can rest in the knowledge that no matter how awful we are they will forgive us.
Jeff came home and we managed to get her to be fairly calm and then we put her down for bed and she cried. She probably only cried for about 20 minutes but again, that feels like a day and a half when it comes at the end of a long day. At one point I went and sat in the car because it was the only place I couldn't hear her. The worst part about it is I wish I could tell you that I couldn't listen to her cry because it breaks my heart but at that point I couldn't listen to her cry because I wanted to throw things.
When I look back on it I know there are a couple of things that contributed to that day being so bad. Some of it is my personality, my anal nature makes failure and an inability to get things done very hard for me. I wish that would get better but I am not sure it will, I am working on it. Part of it is that the weather has been very cold which makes it hard to get out to get some fresh air and that is hard for me. A lot of it is that I was not able to take a step back and be still and know that God will get me through. The sermon in church on Sunday was about God's promises. It was very powerful to me because the pastor asked, why is it so hard for us to remember God's promises? It was humbling.
At the end of it all I only pray that next time a day like that comes along (and I am not foolish enough to think that it won't) I hope I can take a deep breath, pray for help, let myself be loved and remember what a blessing she is to me.
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2 comments:
I wish you peace my friend and patience with yourself. Ask for help, scream at the sky and yell at Jeff. We're all rooting for you! And our love is unconditional -- not matter what's going on and how imperfect you may be.
What God promises me is "relief." Rage IS a relief after feeling powerless and overwhelmed with noise and frustration. Raging about an unmet need is a relief in the short term. Raging at someone we love (Jeff, Emmy, yourself) creates bigger problems.
Emmy's raging too about her unmet needs. Even if she can't put it into words, she "knows" what she wants, AND IT'S NOT HAPPENING. NOTHING SHE IS TRYING IS WORKING!!
Hmmm I think Mom and daughter are sharing an intimate experience.
When we bring our focus back to figuring out the next thing we can do to get one of our needs met (including finding relief), we know we're just about to get a holy inspiration.
God bless you Emmy for making a big noise when your needs aren't getting met. May you always expect God to teach you something more about getting the peace, joy, love, and patience you crave.
E, remember when you first brought Emmy home and your big goal for the whole day was to see if you could get in the shower? Think you might be making a big noise too saying to some part of you, "you're expecting too much from me during this new schedule transition?"
When we fight reality we lose, but only 100% of the time.
There is great love for you!
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