What I am about to write may leave people thinking I am a horrible person or a terrible mother or both, but yesterday I truly loved my child for the first time.
Now don't get me wrong, when she was born I loved her because that is what you are supposed to do. I have loved her passively for the last four weeks, but today I loved her on purpose because I wanted to and because I couldn't help myself.
This all sort of started the day before when I took Emmy to my office to meet my peeps. I went in and she, as usual, was super good. Everyone oohed and aahed over her and people held her and we talked a bit about what motherhood is like. The whole time I was there I realized very clearly that I did not miss it. I thought when I went in I would check email and maybe even check a few account things. I used my desk to change her diaper and that was about it. What that told me was that work has become fairly unimportant to me, at least for right now. I reserve the right to change my mind at any moment not excluding before I finish writing this post, but for now, I want to stay home. I don't mind working a little from home, but I do not want to put Emmy in a day care and go back to the nine to five thing.
Then on Thursday I was working on a project for work and Emmy was in her swing. She needed a diaper change so I took her in to the nursery and changed her diaper. Then I sat down with her and fed her and while I was feeding her I was reading something from my baby bible (Baby 411) about development. It said that the best thing you can do for your baby from birth to two months is hold her, read to her and talk to her. I realized how little I have done that. Jeff is very good about that. He "chats" with her every night when he gets home. I tend to get so caught up in just taking care of her that I don't actually spend much time playing with her. So I decided we would sing together. I put in a lullaby CD and we read a book and then we sang and as I was singing to her and holding her I was overwhelmed with love. As I sit her typing this I start to tear up. I just love that little baby so much and I want so many amazing things for her. I want her to be happy and I want her to feel safe and loved all the days of her life. I was aggressively loving her because I couldn't imagine not loving her and that is when I knew I was going to be okay.
I may not be the best mom and I may screw things up but me and Emmy will be just fine.
It was a profound day and I am so thankful for it.
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Oh Pea, I think at loving is a journey, it's not a switch, it comes in little moments and sometimes tsunami waves, but it rarely follows a specific route. That's the magic. Enjoy Emmy, play lots, sing loudly and savor this time. I remember our shared love of SARK...she writes about how to really love a child...
* Say yes as often as possible * Let them bang on pots and pans * If they’re crabby, put them in water * If they’re unlovable, love yourself * Realize how important it is to be a child * Go to a movie theater in your pajamas * Read books out loud with joy * Invent pleasures together * Remember how small they really are * Giggle a lot * Surprise them * Say you’re sorry * Say no when necessary * Teach feelings * Heal your own inner child * Learn about parenting * Hug trees together * Make loving safe * Bake a cake and eat it with your hands * Go find elephants and kiss them * Plan to write an opera * Make lots of forts with blankets * Let your angel fly * Tell your own dreams * Keep the glean in your own eye * Encourage silly * Plant licorice in your garden * Open up * Stop yelling * Express your love a lot * Speak kindly * Paint their tennis shoes * Paint their faces * Search out goodness * Sing directions * Sing love * Cook with mud * Talk about life * Take about death * Talk about peace * Talk about war * Handle with care * Forgive
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