Crazy

So I know it has been a month but things have been very busy. We went to Jeff's family reunion which was fun. Then my dad and Nancy were here for a week. That was a fun time. I confess i was a little stressed because I felt this need to entertain even though I know n one expected that I just felt bad. Then we went to St. Louis for the All-Star game and now we are finally home. My rick star husband is sending me to Vegas for a weekend with a girlfriend. Can you believe it. He is watching the kids and sending me off with gift cards to the hotel spa. SERIOUSLY - he is so good. I am excited but a little stressed for him and stressed that I won't be able to pump enough milk for Sam. So i have basically turned myself in to a cow.

I titled this post crazy not just because life has been crazy but also because I sort of think I went crazy last night. I think a lot of it has to do with hormones and a lot of it has to do with being so sleep deprived. Sam woke up an hour after I feel asleep and was wide awake. I was beside myself. He wasn't crying but all I wanted to do was put him down and go back to sleep but he wanted to be awake and play. I was just despondent. That is the only word I can think of to describe how I felt. I felt like I wanted to walk out my front door in my bathrobe and start over somewhere. I just couldn't think about this being my life. I yelled at God. Where was he in the middle of this madness? Why wouldn't he make Sam sleep? I truly understood and had empathy for women how hurt their children. I know that is so un-pc to say but it is the truth. I don't condone what they did but there but for the grace of God go I. I had to wake Jeff up and give Sam to him because I just didn't trust myself not to flip out. I just felt lifeless. I was really scared. I came downstairs and looked up some verses in the Bible and that calmed me down a little then i went to bed. I couldn't sleep though. I finally fell asleep around 1:00 or so and I just remember thinking that it was all going to start over again in an hour and a half. The funny thing is that three hours later when Sam woke up , ate and went back to sleep in a half hour's time I felt totally different. i felt fine. I think I was just SO tired that I couldn't see through it all. Today I feel okay. I am a little tired but overall I am okay. I will be watching to see if I get back to that dark place because if i do i will call the doctor because I can't stay there for long without turning in to someone I don't want to be.

Joy to the world

Today I had some real joy. Lately my life has been lacking that. I know I should be overjoyed to be a parent and blah blah blah but frankly I have been struggling this week with bad mood swings and the continuing tummy trouble for Sam. Jeff and I talk about how hard things are but one of the biggest trials is the lack of joy in our life right now. This week I had two blissful moments. One was watching So You Think You Can Dance on Wednesday night. I love that show so much. I literally spent all day Wednesday looking forward to it. Say wat you will about TV rotting your brain but I am pretty sure that show is going to sustain me through this acid reflux issue.

Then, tonight we took the whole family to a carnival. It was so impromptu. We are having Papillion Days which is just a random little festival in downtown Papillion (where we live.) I happened to take a different route home from Target, saw the carnival rides and called Jeff to say we should go. So random. Emelia had so much fun and I found joy in watching her giant smile on the merry go round and her look of surprise when the mini motorcycle lifted off the ground. Surprisingly they had lots of rides for little little kids. It was perfect. We ended with a trip to McDonalds and I am pretty sure it was one of the best days we have had since Sam arrived. Oh, one more terrific moment. I painted Emelia's fingernails and toenails this week. Every now and then she will stop whatever she is doing and look at her hands and exclaim "I look so beautiful." Oh to have that much self confidence. I pray she always feels beautiful.

The beauty of the blog

I have a confession to make. Today during nap time I poured myself a glass of wine and read my blog from the beginning. What great perspective. I did make some observations though. Samuel is a more difficult baby as he is less easy going then Emelia was as an infant. I have also decided (and this should have been obvious but you know...) that it is harder with two. When Emelia was born I was able to do things while she slept. Now, when Samuel sleeps I try to play with Emmy or incorporate her in to my chores. (This is definitely a scam I am pulling on her but hopefully she will forgive me.) I do feel like Samuel is getting the shaft because I do not hold him, talk to him or play with him as much as I did with Emelia. Mostly I just want him to go to sleep so I can put him down and get something done. I need to work with him more. All things considered, I just forget that he is only 3 weeks old today. I feel sort of like he has been here forever so I think he should be going longer stretches at night and organizing his day into a more consistent schedule but he is just not there yet and that is okay. I am trying hard to just be okay with where life is and enjoy the little things as I said early on in my blog. I will hopefully be able to incorporate this new found perspective in to my life because things have been rather joyless of late. No matter what we do someone is not enjoying themselves. It is a tough road right now but I will be thankful for the perspective. I also looked at some early photos of Emelia and I think Samuel looks a lot like her.

Beautiful Disaster

Here is our week at a glance...

Monday - We had Samuel's x-rays. The good news is that his anatomy is fine, the bad news is he has reflux. Apparently he will outgrow it within the next three months to a year. Yippee. We are also on some meds which seems to have helped with the "I'm hurting" screams. My cousin Amanda watched Emelia which was such a blessing because I don't know how I would have dealt with her at the hospital.

Tuesday - Tuesday was Jeff's birthday. I bought him the baseball package on DirectTV so he could watch his Cardinals. I planned to do baseball night at the Mochal household and bought brats and peanuts to recreate that ballpark vibe. I also wanted to get him a few polo shirts since I pried his ill-fitting ones from his hands last month. I went to Target to buy supplies for baseball night, diapers and shirts for daddy. I left without shirts. Dang it! So I went to Kohl's, found what I was looking for and left. I was also hoping to find a nursing bra but no such luck so I dragged the kids to the maternity store for a bra. Emelia was about over me at that point since I had told her we were going to have lunch with daddy and then canceled without consulting her. Found a bra, headed home with enough time to catch a Mickey Mouse Clubhouse before nap time. While I was in the bathroom I hear her scream out in pain and come running out to find her holding her elbow and crying hysterically. We have been through the dislocated elbow twice before so I guessed that is what it was. I called the doctor, they said come on in. So at five minutes till 2:00 (aka naptime) I packed up both the kids and headed to the doctor. I nursed Samuel in the exam room while waiting for Emelia to start using her arm again after the doctor popped it back in to place. We finally headed home at 3:45 with a cranky two-year old and a sleeping baby. I was beyond exhausted and just felt like crap. Everything just seemed to snowball, it was such a bad day. That night we had trouble getting Sam down to sleep so the sucky day turned in to a sucky night and I sat alone in Sam's room and just cried. I felt like I was being punished, like I had ticked off God and here I was reaping what I sowed. I know that is irrational but at that moment that is the best way to describe my feelings. I just cried out "God where are you?" Sure enough he answered.

Wednesday - What a better day. I went over to a girlfriends house and Emelia played relatively well with her daughter while Samuel nursed and slept and I was actually able to sit in the sunshine and have a conversation. I think it is the best day I have had since bringing him home. I also reconnected with an old friend who has twins and a toddler and we spent an hour and a half comparing notes on the difficulties of motherhood. It was nice to know that someone who has such a different life than me still struggles with the same things. Some motherhood conundrums are universal. My bathrooms still need to be cleaned but I at least felt like a human being for a day. Then it got even better when Samuel went 2.5 hours, 4 hours and 3 hours between feeding last night. When I went to sleep at 12:45 and woke up at 4:45 I felt refreshed - sad but true.

Thursday - We went to the zoo with my cousin and Emelia seemed to have a really good time. Samuel ate and slept, his usual routine. Emelia fell asleep on the way home but I stretched the trip in to an hour drive as I went across town to Babies R Us. I nursed Samuel in the car in the parking lot while she slept, got my bottle warmer and headed home in time to play puzzles and blocks before daddy came home. For the first time since leaving the hospital I don't feel like a zombie when Jeff gets home and I couldn't be happier.

I really like the Kelly Clarkson song Beautiful Disaster. There is a line that says"if I could hold on through the tears and the laughter I don't know, would it be beautiful or just a beautiful disaster." Right now I think my life is full of tears and laughter and it is a beautiful disaster.

The gas we pass

So here we are on Friday which means I have officially made it through my first week on my own with two kids. It really has been a series of such highs and such lows. Let's start with highs.

Highs
1. On Tuesday I managed to go to Target and Walmart with the kids. I nursed Samuel in the Target food court while Emelia ate a hot dog and I changed her poopy diaper in the front seat of the car (mostly because I could not figure out how to get all of us plus a cart in to the bathroom) but we did it. i rewarded myself with two hanging baskets of petunias which brighten my day every time I pull up to the house.

2. I asked for help. This is a biggie. I called my aunt spur of the moment and asked if she could watch Emelia (while she napped) so I could go to the breastfeeding group at the hospital. I am so glad I went. I was able to get some help for my soreness, meet other moms and weigh Samuel. He is back above birth weight which is great.

3. I washed my hair - twice - and have so far managed getting everyone downstairs in the mornings.

4. My friends have been bringing us food and it has been such a blessing. I don't know what I am going to do when I have to cook again. It has also meant I don't need much in t eh way of groceries this pay check so I think I am going to get my hair colored.

5. Jeff continues to be great and I seriously could not ask for a better husband.

6. Emelia's behavior has greatly improved. We have had a few tussles but for the most part she is doing well. I actually think Daddy going back to work helped because now we are back to our routine a little bit more. She is trying to be patient but that is a tough concept for a two-year-old. Yesterday she anted a snack while I was nursing. I told her I would get her a snack as soon as I was done nursing that she needed to be patient. She responded, "can I be patient and have a snack?" Touche'

The Lows
1. I pretty much hit a wall every day around four. I am trying to nap when Emelia naps but it is hard for me to nap during the day. This leaves me not only low on energy, but low on patience for post-nap crankiness.

2. Samuel has developed some sort of gas issue that comes on every night between 10:00 and 2:00. I am not sure if it is something I ate or what the deal is but for instance, last night I nursed him at 9:00, put him down around 9:30 and we all went to sleep. Hooray! It seemed so promising. Then he woke up at 11:30 to nurse and began to scream shortly thereafter for about two hours. I tried everything, gas drops, laying him on his stomach, The five S's, pacifier, swing, everything but nothing worked. He finally just sort of calmed down on his own or maybe he got the gas out, I am not really sure but it was a miserable two hours. He has a Dr. appointment today so maybe she can help. Pray that she can!

3. I am still pretty weepy but getting better. The lactation consultant suggested that if I am still feeling "blue" by the end of next week I should see my Dr. for a mild anti-depressant for the short term while my hormones rebalance. Part of me thinks that would be great - solution in a pill. Part of me worries about that idea so all of me is just praying that things work out on their own.

4. Still having trouble with clothes but at least the weight is still coming off. Probably because yesterday for breakfast I had a cup of reheated coffee from the day before's pot and what was left of Emelia waffle with peanut butter. : ) I don't so much mind my body, it is just that I have had very limited clothing selection for the last nine months and was looking forward to my wardrobe again but I still can't wear most of it.

Overall things have gone better than I expected with the exception of the sleep thing. Emelia was easier at night than Samuel is so that is a little trying but I feel like we can get through it. More prayer and hopefully some help from the Dr. and we should be in good shape.

Seven days, seventy emotions

So Samuel Wayne Mochal was born May 18 at 11:48 p.m. weighing 7 pounds 8 ounces. What a blur life has been since then. Labor was long, pushing was short, I will write more about that later. I feel physically pretty good but I have been on the hormone roller coaster something fierce. ( I apologize in advance, I spell checked but I don't have the energy to do much else.)

The baby has been relatively easy to care for - typical newborn eat every two hours, sleep, eat some more, poop, pee on mom, sleep, eat some more, cry a little, etc. Emelia on the other hand has been tough. She is fine with her brother and at times seems loving but she has just been pushing limits and testing boundaries. She had a melt down in Target on Saturday that lasted two hours. She was crying hysterically to the point of hyperventilating. She just could not pull herself together. It left me feeling really disheartened. If we couldn't get through a 20 min Target trip with Jeff and I both how will I ever do it on my own. Then Sunday she just had a hysterical fit over not wanting to wear her bib. Normally this would not be a battle I would choose to fight, so what she spills on her clothes, but she has been fine with her bib and the incident seemed a direct attempt to be stubborn. Yesterday was a dark day. I screamed at her had to remove myself from the situation for fear of screaming more or throwing something. I just had his sinking feeling in my stomach. I think the hardest part of just that I don't know what it will look like when it gets better so I can't picture it. I can't see the light at the end of tunnel. Everything is compounded when you are running on five hours of sleep a night as well. My emotions are just so close to the surface that I cry at least 15 minutes a day, over what, I am not sure. I also just keep thinking that if my mom were alive this would all be better. She would stay with us and coach me and give me a break and I would just be able to make it through so much better. I have aunts and I have Jeff's mom but none of that is really the same. Then I look in the mirror and cry again. I feel like i had come so far with my weight loss journey and here I am back at square one with nothing that fits. I don't have many of my bigger clothes because I thought I was never going back. Ha isn't that a pickle. I know rationally that I gave birth a week ago and should not expect much but I do. I expect to get the chores done and I expect to have a good child because I have worked hard for the last two years to raise a good child and run a good home and in one week it feels like it has all just fallen apart and I am not sure how or when I am going to get it back together again. When someone asks me how I am doing I literally say something like we're okay or we're managing but my eyes well with tears because I am not sure that either of those things is the truth. The scariest thing about it is that today is the best day I have had so far. I got eight hours of sleep - in two hour increments - I got the laundry done and I have washed my hair. I even cut myself some new bangs. I just think I needed to let all of that out. If you are reading this please don't feel sorry for me just pray for me. Ask God to give me wisdom patience and a reduced estrogen level. If you have tow kids and have advice on what to do with Emelia send that my way. If you don't have children please don't be discouraged. They are a blessing and one I would not give away - okay i would maybe loan them out but not give them away. I just need to recover and get some sleep and pray. Today I opened my Bible t o a passage I had randomly scrawled in the front. The reference was Ephesians 4:2. When I got there it said this. "Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love." Good advice back then, great advice for today.

Still waiting

So here I am one week from my due date and I swear if you told me I could induce labor by drinking pickle juice and standing on my head I would be hunting down the Vlassic jar. My oh my, I am ready for this baby. The nursery is ready, the house is ready, my body is ready but the baby apparently is not ready. I will try to wait patiently. I have this nagging voice in the back of my mind from the ultrasound where the tech said, "I would put the due date at closer to May 24 than the 20 but we will leave it on your chart as the 20th." What if it is not the 20th, what if it is the 24th? Really, that is not that far away but it feels like forever! Pray for patience for me and Emelia who is tired of having a mommy who can't go down the slide!

Lesson Learned

I have learned a valuable lesson recently one I would like to write down because I will probably need to reflect on it often in the coming months. You see I am a fixer by nature. I like to help people, I like to solve problems and find solutions to dilemmas. You need a crib, I will scour Craigslist until I find one for you. You need some monetary help, here is what I have. You need someone to sign up to bring something to the bake sale/youth retreat/volunteer meeting/whatever sign me up for cookies or cake or whatever you need. That is just a part of how God made me. The thing is the reverse angle of that is very tricky for me. I have a tough time asking for help. This is a growing phenomenon for me because I don't think it was always this hard for me. It may have to do with my mom's death. I think before when I needed help my mom had some sort of spidey sense that tingled and she was always there before I ever even asked. The ironic part is I probably need more help at this point in my life than ever before and yet now I am the most reluctant to ask.

It all comes down to vanity/pride. You see on the outside I look like I have got life pretty much together. I am fairly organized, my house is usually pretty darn clean, I volunteer in several different ministries at church and overall I look pretty with it. The problem with asking for help is that in my little mind that is the equivalent of admitting I can't do everything and I don't have it all together. I can not dig up a garden when I am nine months pregnant or put together a compost bin that specifically says you need two adults to put this together. I probably should not be on a ladder trying to install a ceiling fan when my water could break at any minute. Yet, these are all things I have tried or contemplated doing in the last week. The real problem is this - by not asking my friends and family for help I am depriving someone of a chance to be Christ-like to me. I am depriving someone else of the chance to be the fixer which may be how God created them. There are various folks in my small group that posses the sort of handiness that I am currently in need of and yet I am reluctant to reach out. That is just plain silly and it is not what God has asked me to do in building a Christian community. So I am officially asking for help world. I need meals when this baby comes and someone to put a ceiling fan in Emelia's room. I need help digging up a garden - I will give you a summer's supply of free tomatoes in return for your help. For a little while I am going to need to be taken care of instead of taking care of everyone else. It literally pains me to say that, but I am learning a lesson.

Progress

So, I went to the doctor today and I am one centimeter dilated and 50% effaced. Probably more information than some of you wanted, but too bad, it was cause for great joy at my house! My cousin's wedding is Friday so I have to hold out till after that. I told my doctor and she said she will be out of town until Saturday afternoon so we have made a date for Sunday. It would be lovely for baby X to be born on Mother's Day. So since I am clearly not in control of this at all, I am furiously trying to get the house in the best possible shape for this weekend because I am pretty determined to have this baby then and if not then next week I will lay around and watch movies and eat popcorn and M&M's with Emelia all week. Also not a bad plan!

21 days

So here we are at 37 weeks, 3 weeks away from my due date and I have to tell you I am pretty darn uncomfortable. No position feels very good especially in the evening when the baby is very active and the "fake" contractions kick up. My hips hurt, I have shooting pains down the back of my leg - dude, get off my nerves, no really! Sleeping is a joke and my bladder capacity is equal to a thimble. I really don't remember being this uncomfortable with Emelia. With her I weighed about 20 more pounds than I do now but I just don't remember wanting to have the baby so desperately. I am so tired of being pregnant. I am sort of having a pity party so please forgive me. I just am ready. My cousin's wedding - which I am a bridesmaid in - is next Friday. It really is a shame, it is actually a pretty bridesmaid dress and yet I am just going to be so big. UGH! Once I get through that I think I will be even more desperate to have this baby because that is really the last big thing I have to get through. I also really need to be back in my own home by May 20 - my due date - because that is when the winner of American Idol will be crowned and the very next night the two-hour premiere of So You Think You Can Dance is on. Priorities people!

Swine flu but not really...

Do you remember when they would give the head lice talk each year in school and suddenly your head would start to itch. Mine is actually starting to itch as I type this. That is how I feel about this whole swine flu thing. Last week Emelia and I had some sort of sore throat/fever virus that resulted in a trip to the doctor to see if it was strep - it wasn't - and if there was anything we could do - not a thing. So we stayed home from Thursday-Sunday and took Tylenol every four hours to try to keep the fever down. We did not have a cough and we did not have body aches but of course as I am hearing on the nightly news that they have raised the pandemic threat level I start to feel a cough coming on and wonder if we in fact had swine flu. I don't actually think we did but it is a lot like the head lice talk in school. Man there are a lot of things in the world to worry about. Good thing I am not a worrier by nature. : ) Oops, maybe that is not such a true statement.

In other news I think Emelia is about ready for potty training. The problem is there could not be a worse time than now. Baby X is supposed to be here any time in the next three weeks so everyone says don't do it now she will revert once the baby comes. Well that leaves me potty training her after baby brother gets here when I am sure I will have tons of free time and loads of free arms to help pull down pants/wipe tushes/etc. I am going to just pray about it. Yes I am praying about pee and poop, but quite frankly it is not the first time especially since I was so constipated when I was pregnant with Emelia.

When Emelia poops in her diaper now she will sing the song Jeff taught her - "dirty diapers, the kind that stink, dirty diapers the kind that stink!" It is to the tune of Dirty Deed Done Dirt Cheap. Yep it is pretty awesome. She also sings "My diapers pee-soakered, diapers pee-soakered, every day it's soaked away." My husband routinely makes up words to real songs about daily drudgery, it is alternately endearing and annoying. I can not sing the Abba song "Lovin Me, Lovin You" because in my head the words are "Goin' pee, goin' poo, I go numbers one and two..."

Hospital Tour

Today I had my 36 week doctor's visit which means from here on out I go every bloody week. Seems like we are moving right along. I decided to tour the hospital where I will probably have baby boy x. Is it bad that my main concern was the food? When I had Emelia I went in at 6:00 am and did not have her until that evening and they never once let me eat which means by the time I did eat it had been almost 24 hours. Are ya kidding me with that? I have learned my lesson and will not go to the hospital without eating first.

Emelia has a little bit of fever that I am watching. I am not sure what it is but I know it's making her crabby. UGH! Is it nap time yet?

Just another manic Monday

whoa, wish it were Sunday whoa, that's my fun day.... Not really I mean Sundays are great but they aren't my "fun day" really. Mondays however are pretty manic. I try to cram as many chores in to Monday as I can stand so that I can slack a little the rest of the week. There is a method to my madness. I am always pretty energized on Mondays. I feel refreshed after the weekend and I am ready to get to it on Monday morning. (note: except when I am eight months pregnant in which case I am not really raring to go at any point in time.)

Today I stripped all the beds including the two guest beds, washed the sheets and remade the beds. I did six loads of laundry. I cleaned the kitchen. I made banana bread for tomorrow's Bible study. I baked a loaf of honey wheat bread for Jeff's breakfasts this week - in the bread machine, I am not that good! I vacuumed the downstairs and had movie Monday with Emelia where we had popcorn and watched Finding Nemo yet again. Phew, now I am tired. You see there is a little bit of a selfish motive for all my hard work. I am hoping I will e so exhausted tonight that when my head hits the pillow I will fall asleep and stay asleep and wake up refreshed.

Only four more weeks to go, yippee.

My new obsession

I really want a freezer. I am determined to find a way to move stuff around in the garage to fit one. Then I have to find one I like on Craigslist or on serious sale at the store and then I will have my freezer and love it!

She's crafty!

I have to confess the Beastie Boys tune runs through my head whenever I break out the hot glue gun or the needle and thread. I am pretty sure that isn't what they meant but that is how it applies to my life now. With this new baby on the way I was inspired by my crafty friends and decided to see if I could stretch my nursery budget by repurposing things and making things myself. I have to say I am pretty proud of myself, I only used about 2/3 of my budget. I bought an end table at goodwill and painted it. It is not flawless but it will do.



I painted a shelf and used receiving blankets that matched my bedding to create wall decorations. I also bought vinyl lettering to make a mini-mural type thing. I even decorated a lampshade with ribbon and found a lampstand at the resale shop to make a coordinating lamp.



And last but not least I painted a bookshelf that was my mom's and bought storage cubes and glued monkeys on to them to make this. I also made a nightlight with this same little monkey! My nightlight budget was $10 (yes I made an excel budget and yes I allotted $10 for a dumb nightlight mostly because I had already seen one I wanted) but then I saw someone selling one on ebay and figured out how they made it - LED nightlight from Walmart $1.43 and wooden prepainted monkey from Hobby Lobby $.69 - and I made one myself.





You see the big space above the crib, that is where the babies name should go but at this moment in time I am not sure what that will be. I thought we had one picked out but it may have to be a gametime decision that is made in the hospital so if you have any great ideas let me know!

I am pretty sure I am going to take what is left of my nursery budget and get a bottle of champagne and a spa day once this baby gets here. : )

Things I never thought I would say...

You see if you have known me for awhile, like since high school or college, you may be shocked at how I turned out, who I turned into or where life has taken me. Lord knows I often am. Recently I have been reflecting on that and here are some things that I find myself saying that really just make me giggle.

1. I got a really bad burn from the hot glue gun today!

2. Hummm, what can I make with a rump roast?

3. Holy cow I can't believe I got eggs for 77 cents!

4. Omaha is a great place for our family right now.

5. I enjoy being a stay-at-home mom.

6. Honestly, I would rather have you rub my back than make me a bowl of ice cream. (No really, my back constantly hurts these days.)

7. I really only listen to Christian radio.

8. I am so sick of winter. (I normally love winter but not in six month increments.)

9. Are you poopy?

10. I have been to Hobby Lobby three times this week.

I am a price matching fool

i have become one of those women. For those of you with two incomes and more money than you ever thought you would have, I am the women you hate. Today at Walmart. I set down one item with a free coupon (which means the cashier has to write the items price on the coupon) and four price match items. I got Duncan Hines cake mix for .79 and cereal for $2.50, before you took of the .35 coupon for the cake mix and the $1.00 off three for the cereal. Jeff was dyeing.

Grocery shopping has become an art form for me. I spend about an hour preparing for it. First I look at the grocery ads for every store in town and circle extra good buys or things I need. Then I plan my meals for the next two weeks based on what is one sale. Then I look through the recipes for everything I am going to make to see what I need to make each meal. Then I check off the items I need on my alphabetized excel spread sheet grocery list. Then I go through my coupons to see what matches the items on my list. Along the way I am making notes on my list about who has what on sale so that I can make sure to compare Walmart's price and if it is not as good I can price match to the other store. Then I organize my coupons by aisle to match my grocery list. That way if I decide generic canned corn if cheaper than my Del Monte coupon I can put the coupon back in my file for use at a later date. It is a complicated process that gives me great pleasure. Today I saved $5.00 in coupons and $3.00 in price matching not to mention the savings from buying sale items. I got shredded cheese for $1.50 and that was Kraft 2% incredible!

I am a dork!

Is it really April first?

Because it snowed yesterday. It was only a little and it didn't stick but still it was snow. Seriously what is the matter with the weather here? Today the high is supposed to be 55. Just when I get out my flip flops I have to put them away for my boots and just when I leave my boots out it starts to get nice. I have to say I would really like some consistency.

FYI - I am officially 33 weeks which means I have seven weeks to go. I had this crazy dream last night that all the calculations were off and I really only had two weeks. Then I was panicking because the nursery wasn't done and I still had baby clothes to wash and well you get the picture. Clearly I have some repressed anxiety. I am really anxious about this baby for some reason. I am so much more ready to be done than I was with Emelia.
I think I sort of feel like life is going to be really rough for about six months and so the sooner I get on with it the sooner I will get through it. I am ready for the lack of sleep but every day I think of new scenarios that will be a challenge. Like yesterday I was in the Target food court and I saw a women with a four year old son and a 9 month old girl I am guessing. Well her son had to use the restroom so she leaves her table with her food and her cart and grabs the baby and they head for the restroom. Now she had her purse in one hand and the baby in the other and I just thought how does she help her son with his pants? (I am guessing he still may need help who knows maybe they don't.) See my mind starts to reel when I think about actually trying to live life with two. Forget about when one is crying or being naughty, I am just talking straight living, like trips to the store or the doctor or whatever. I am sure you just figure out a way but it still makes me nervous. Okay I am working myself up in to a frenzy and I have not had any coffee yet so I better go get my single lonely cup of 1/4 caffeinated coffee that I allow myself.

By the way Emelia has begun to quote Beauty and the Beast - yesterday at Bible Study she burst out with "My father is not crazy, he is a genius!" So she loves a good princess movie and can quote movie lines at the age of two, she is definitely half Jeff and half me.

I mean really?

Emelia let me put pigtails in her hair today and I loved it. I mean seriously, I almost couldn't look at her because it hurt. She was so stinkin' cute I could just melt. Needless to say we had McDonalds for lunch today because, well, really I couldn't say no.

The shortest month casts the longest shadow

I sort of dropped off the blogosphere in February and I think I pretty much do it every February. It is just a really rough month for me. My mom died February 14. It has been four years and sometimes it seems like yesterday and sometimes it seems like a lifetime ago. The funny thing about it is if I really objectively look at my life, it is worlds better now than it was before she died. I am living the life God intended for me and am closer to being the person I want to be. Yet I miss my mom so much. I know God uses all things for his glory and I can truly see that in the loss of my mother but that doesn't make it any easier to swallow. Then this year Jeff's dad died on February 6. He was ill and he was 85 and we believe he is in a better place but that also does not make it any easier to go through the loss. Jeff and I are pretty sure we are destined not to celebrate Valentine's day because we had to cancel our date this year to bury his dad. This was really the first year we were going to celebrate since it is such a painful time for me. Maybe next year.

We are recovering though and sailing through March. I can't believe the baby will be here in two months. I am still working on the nursery and getting things together. I swear with Emelia I had everything washed, steam sanitized and in place by my second trimester. Oh well, life is different now. I am tired of being pregnant. I itch pretty bad and I feel like a huge tub of goo. Sleeping has become difficult which makes my energy level low during the day and well, I am just ready. I am grateful to have a healthy pregnancy and know I shouldn't complain, I am just ready to be done.

So anyway, I am back at the blog and will try to do better at keeping up with the world.

Here are some new Emelia pics that make me smile. Her two new loves are painting and dress up clothes. The trick is she has to wear all of the dress up clothes at once. If one necklace is good then five are better. Jeff calls it her Mr. T started kit. As for the paints thank goodness they are washable because she ends up with paint all over herself. I am currently in love with the coolest thing ever - Color Wonder paints from Crayola. They only work on special paper, not on clothes or faces or the dog.