Really?

Well, today is day 13 and I am over this.  I like the food, and I feel great but I am tired of all the prep and I miss eating meals with my family.  Because I am constantly making two meals I am usually eating by myself when everyone else is done.  I also just miss having the freedom to make my own choices.  I think that is the deal though, will I make good choices when I have that freedom?  I hope so.  I really don't want this all to be in vain.  I do find myself wanting to return to mindless eating.  It takes so much less energy.  Lame, I know, just telling it like it is.  I think the problem with my previous choices is not so much that I ate terribly.  I ate pretty good, but I think I ate too much junk and not enough veggies.  I am hoping I will feel differently tomorrow and I can get my mojo back. 

Still going

So here I sit on day 8.  I can not believe I made it this long if I am being honest.  Will power is not my strong suit and yet, here I am.  What a testament to God's timing.  I honestly think if I had tried to do this prior to this time in my life I would not have been able to. I am much more at peace with my body and much more tuned in to my mind  then ever before. 

I find the only times I am really grouchy about my don't list is when I am hungry.  For instance, today after church I had my snack while the kids played at the play area and then we came home for lunch.  Since I am starting week two today I have to prep and make everything.  (Next week I think I will prep my week three stuff on Saturday.)  So now I have to simmer my lentil soup for 25 minutes after taking 20 minutes to dice and chop everything and I am really hungry by this point.  As my soup is simmering I try to pick up the house and come across a Hershey's kiss.  Oh, I wanted that kiss so bad and I was so mad that I could not have it.  I start to rationalize why I should eat it and then I just say no, I should not eat it for any reason.  I decided to save it for when I am all done. 

I had planned to weigh myself at the beginning and at the end.  I decided yesterday that I would weigh myself after each week for a little added incentive.  I lost seven pounds.  I was happy but I am sure I will gain some of that back when the program is over.  However, I could try to keep this lifestyle going.  I am eating an appropriate number of calories for my body.  I am working out, mildly for week one, but I will add more cardio and weights back in for week two.  What is my next step?  I wonder...

Snow Day

I was cranky from the get go today because they were calling for snow and we got snow.  Probably six inches I am guessing and Jeff is out of town.  God has blessed me with some lovely neighbors and they blew my driveway out.  What tremendous kindness!  I don't mind the snow, on a day when we don't have a million things to do that require car trips.  I did not grow up driving on the snow so it makes me a little nervous.  It was a mess!  Even my neighbor who has lived here all her life said she had white knuckles the whole way home. 

I am not writing about what I ate today because that was pretty irrelevant.  What is relevant is that I feel like I had a breakthrough today.  It was a pretty stressful mom day.  (Warning: this may sound awfully whiny to a working mom or even to someone with no kids, but we all have stress in our lives and it just takes different forms for different lifestyles.)  I have been trying hard to do yoga this week while on this cleanse and I really wanted to make it to 9:00 yoga at the gym.  That means leaving at 8:30 which is tough for us to do, without snow.  We made it - Hooray!  Then we came home for 40 minutes and left again to pick up Emelia's friend from preschool so we could carpool for gymnastics.  Home for another 45 minutes and then off to gymnastics.  I got 22 minutes to relax while Sam napped and Emelia was at gymnastics.  Then we had a doctor's appointment and that is when my day crashed and burned. 

I am tremendously grateful because my child is healthy and passed all the well check guidelines for her age with flying colors!  Then it came time for shots.  As soon as Emelia knew she had a doctor's appointment she began having anxiety about getting shots.  I wasn't sure if she was going to have any so we prayed that God would keep her calm and she seemed to be ok.  Then when we got to the doctor she did great until it was time to get the shots and then she FREAKED OUT.  I had to physically restrain her while she screamed and cried and turned bright red.  It is incredibly hard to watch your child experience that kind of terror.  It was everything I could do to keep from crying with her.   The whole thing probably only lasted for two minutes but it felt like my heart was being ripped out.   She calmed down really quickly and we stopped at Target for a toy.  Yep, I felt that guilty.

While we were at Target I was just a wreck, stressed and hungry and I was so close to just throwing in the towel.  I just wanted a Turkey sandwich and some yogurt or a latte or maybe even a candy bar, something, anything, to make me feel better.  Then I thought, it is over.  Eating a whatever will not undo it.  There is no longer an immediate stress stimuli so there is not need to eat.  Even if there was a stressor, eating will not make it better.   

That's it!  I actually thought about it instead of just doing it.  I not only thought about not eating, I have been doing that for five days now, I actually thought about eating, thought about why I was eating and then thought through WHY I should not eat.  I was amazing really.  Now, I confess that I still wanted a latte and a candy bar but at least I knew why I wanted them and why I did not need them.  Maybe, just maybe, this time next week when the poop hits the fan I won't want a candy bar. 

Day 4

I did not sleep very well last night.  I drank this detox tea in the morning which was the only thing I did differently otherwise I don't know why I had trouble staying asleep.  I cut out the tea today we will see how it goes. 

Breakfast : Grapefruit/carrot/ginger juice
It was good and satisfying but for some reason I was very hungry an hour later.  I ate half of my morning snack before yoga class and the other half after class.

When I got home I had to make lunch for the kids and it was hard not to take bites of that food.  Emelia had a friend over and she asked me to cut the crusts off her PB&J and it tool a lot to throw the crusts away instead of eating them.  I have come to realize that is my hardest time of day!  Weird!

What I realized today is that one of the reasons this feels so good is because I am doing something for myself.  I rarely do that.  I rarely make time to take care of me.  It feels like a victory!  What is funny is spending a little more time on myself has led me to be a better mom.  I am less cranky, more willing to play and generally less stressed.  Go figure!

Snack: Trail Mix
Lunch: Spiced Butternut Squash Soup

Dinner was really a hard time tonight.  I almost gave up.  I could not figure out how to peel the acorn squash in the recipe and I was frustrated and hungry and just cranky.  I was on the phone with my friend and we just stop and prayed and sure enough about five minutes later I got the squash peeled with a veggie peeler.  Weird, right?  Oh, I never think of the simplest things, I have to make life complicated.
Lunch: Spiced Butternut squash soup.  Delicious!

Cheating

6:55 a.m.
As I start day three I am really proud of myself for not cheating.  Usually with any sort of food related thing I nip a little from Sam's plate, doesn't count, I nip a little from Emelia's snack, doesn't count, but this time I have not eaten anything but the suggested foods.  I have not added or subtracted anything, I have just followed the plan.  With each day that I invest I feel like I am less likely to cheat because I have invested so much. 

 Breakfast: Orange Berry Smoothie
 It is delicious but I am almost disappointed that there are no veggies in it.  It feels
 like I am not eating as healthy.  I think because I can suck down a fruit smoothie without any special discipline but add some carrots and it may be a test of my will.  (It truly isn't because carrot juice is so sweet, but you get the picture.)

 I miss my coffee.  The tea is fine but I miss the delicious creaminess of a well balanced latte.  What I may actually be missing now that I think about it, is the sweetness of the sugar-free vanilla syrup and the creaminess of the nonfat milk.  Off to get ready for Bible Study.

2:13 p.m.
I had my trail mix while I was at Bible study but I was really wanting carbs.  Today my group added new members and I was asked to split off and lead a group of my own.  I am terrified.  I suddenly felt like a 12 year old girl trying to talk about the Bible with all of these older wiser women.  After I calmed down and could really think about it I know God will lead these women through me which takes the burden off of me.  All I have to do is pray and listen to Him.  As my stress level increased so did my desire for snacks.  I have come a long way from where I used to be as at least I was craving pretzels and not Taco Bell.  : )  Yeah me!

We got stuck in terrible traffic on the way home and I was so hungry so I ate some pistachios in the car and ate a late lunch.  I was worried that if I started fixing the kids lunch while I was starving I would start eating off of their plates. 

Lunch: Avocado/Tomato/Pepper salad with lime/olive oil dressing
This meal tasted great but I had a tough time with the avocados.  I don't mind how they taste but I struggle with the texture.  I am going to try to "treat" myself to a cup of tea while Sam is napping.  Hopefully that will take the place of a snack.  I am full but yet I want to eat.  That just seems so wrong!

Holy Detox Batman

I am not normally one to talk about poop... okay who am I kidding, I am TOTALLY one to talk about poop, this morning's was a doozy.  I wish I had weighed myself pre and post, I am sure I lost two pounds.  Yikes!  It did make me feel a strange sense of accomplishment because I felt like I am actually getting rid of the residual junk in my body.   

I slept great!  I slept soundly and woke a few times to pee but was able to go right back to sleep which is rare for me.  I woke up at 6:15 feeling rested and refreshed. 

I still missed my coffee with my quiet time but the decaf green tea felt slightly more satisfying today.  The beet/carrot/apple/mint juice for breakfast however, was not my favorite.  It was drinkable and not in a hold your nose and suck it down sort of way, but something just did not taste great to me.  I am not sure if I should have peeled the beet first or maybe it was the mint.    (Bonus side effect, the kids were fascinated with the juicer so I made them some orange kiwi juice which they loved.)  Tomorrow I will stick to my carrot/grapefruit juice or maybe try one of the smoothie recipes.  Again though, I don't feel hungry.  I still had to fight the urge to eat my kid's food.  I made them scrambled eggs, which I often eat for breakfast, and I really wanted some.  I think what that says to me is that I eat what I crave not what I need.  Hummm, now what to do with that?!?

I find myself looking forward to my next meal or snack.  This morning I think I will hit the gym for some yoga and take my trail mix with me.   I am interested to see how this process effects my yoga practice.  I worry about having enough energy but we will see.

1:53 p.m.
Yoga was hard but I think that is mainly because I have not been to class since Thanksgiving. 
I was not hungry after class but man, I wanted a snack.  I had already eaten my trail mix on the way to class since I drank my juice at 7:00. 

As we struggled to get out the door on time I found myself feeling resentful about not being able to have a latte.  Oddly enough when I picked Emelia up from school I really wanted Jimmy John's.  I was hungry but for some reason I really wanted a sandwich.  The cravings seem to be so much stronger today and I am a little more frustrated by my lack of choices.  I also am feeling a little tired.  The dietitian who created the cleanse said you can expect headaches and fatigue the first three days.  We will see.

Lunch: Kale/Carrot/Red Cabbage/Parsley salad and two fruit and nut balls.
I feel physically satisfied but I really want a snack.  I usually try to relax at least half and hour while Sam naps and Emelia watches a movie and I think I associate that with food.  I definitely see some patterns here. 

I am feeling a little deprived today.  I think it is because food or drink is often a reward for me.  After Sam wakes up from nap I am planning a trip to the Goodwill as a treat of a different sort. Let's hope that works because when I think about 19 more days of this it feels really daunting.  I am trying to focus on one meal or snack at a time.  Next up roasted cauliflower for a snack!

Evening
My snack was good as was my dinner the Roasted Beet soup again, but today was really hard.  It felt like constant cravings, hopefully tomorrow will be easier.

Welcome to My Food Journal

So I know I was supposed to blog more and I know I DIDN'T blog more so now I make no promises, only attempts to chronicle the craziness that is my life.  For my latest act of craziness I have chosen to do a whole foods cleanse.  For the next 21 days I will be eliminating sugar, alcohol, caffeine,  gluten, dairy products and processed foods from my diet.  The first week is all vegetables, fruits, nuts and seeds and a few condiments.  The second week you add back in legumes and lean proteins.  The third week you add back in gluten-free grains.  So far I am two meals and two snacks into it and I have realized a few things about my relationship with food. 

The first thing I realized is that eating is less about hunger and more about an occasion.  I missed my coffee while I had my quiet time this morning.  Not because of the physical need for coffee but because that is just what I do and it feels luxurious to have a creamy (yes I add cream and stevia to my coffee) cup of coffee while I talk to God before the rest of my world is awake.  I found myself struggling today after church.  I was mildly hungry but even after eating my snack and satiating the hunger I was still having a hard time with cravings.  I realized it is because we normally go out to breakfast as a family after church. I was able to bounce back once I got home and saw the fridge full of produce that I most certainly will not waste. 

I also realized that I eat off of the kids plates a lot.  I made Emelia a peanut butter sandwich and normally I would have licked the knife clean.  I gave Sam and Emelia each a few chips.  As I put the chips on their plates I had to fight the urge not to eat the chips even though they are not a type of chip I love.  Sam had a cookie and left most of it on the table.  Normally I would eat those two bites instead of throwing them away. 

Interesting, very interesting. 

As part of this cleanse you are supposed to keep a food diary, not just of what you ate but how it made you feel.  So this is my place for that. 

I am going to start by writing down my goals for this cleanse so that if I need moral support I can come back and look at this.

More energy
Better sleep
Better moods
Establish healthier habits
Weight loss

I think this is the first time I have ever attempted any food related thing that was not all about being skinny.  I have come to the realization that I will never be skinny.  I can be healthy and toned but skinny just is not in my genetic repertoire.  Kate Winslet maybe, Kate Moss not a chance.  So, here's to new habits and new knowledge.

Food Diary 1/8/2011
Breakfast: Grapefruit/Carrot/Ginger Juice
Tasty, would drink again on my own, felt satisfied, missed coffee.

Snack: Cranberry/Blueberry/Nut Trail Mix
Good, helped me hold out for lunch.

Lunch: Kale/Carrot/Red Cabbage/Parsley Salad with Dijon vinaigrette and sunflower seeds
Good, hurt my jaw with all the chewing, felt full.

Snack:  Fruit and nut balls (finely chopped dried fruit and nuts rolled in to one inch balls)
They were actually much better than they sound.

Update 3:45
I have a mild headache, probably from the caffeine withdrawal.  Took one ibuprofen and it feels better.  I am struggling to drink my water.  I have only had 1.5 liters thus far.  I guess I can guzzle while I cook dinner because that is often when I have a glass of wine.  Roasted Beet and Garlic Soup is on tap for dinner, my bathroom habits should be CRAZY tomorrow between the roughage and the beets.  I had to laugh when I looked at the recipe for dinner Iand saw it required leeks had to look them up on the internet to figure our which end you are actually supposed to eat.  

I am not hungry but still had to fight the urge to eat the leftover chips from Sam's lunch plate.  Dumb chips!  I'll post again after dinner.   

6:27 p.m.
Dinner: 1 cup roasted beet and garlic soup
The soup was a pain to make.  I should have made it in a small pot because it was not deep enough for my immersion blender which meant I had to puree it in batches - drag! However, it tasted really good and it was very filling.  I am currently eating half of Sam's leftover pear but that is allowed as a snack.  I think this will be it for the night.  Hopefully I can avoid the evening munchies.  I am pretty sure I know why this supposedly helps you sleep better...because I am EXHAUSTED from cutting, chopping, shredding and otherwise preping all these veggies.  : )  Looking forward to my apple/beet/carrot juice for breakfast.

Banished Blog

So, I have sort of let my blog languish for awhile.  Okay, more than awhile, months really, whole seasons even.  I have been in a weird season of life.  I am trying to make changes, lots of changes, maybe even too many changes,  I am trying to change the types of food we ate - more vegies less junk.  I am trying to clear the chemicals out of my bathroom.  (My skin has never looked better, thanks Suki Skincare!)  I am trying to focus more on my state of well being than on feeling fat.  I still feel fat, so clearly that needs work.  All of this stuff running around in my mind has left little time or mindshare (as we used to say in my PR days) to devote to blogging. 

As I thought about it though I felt like I sort of had it backward.  See, when I have so much stuff running around in my brain and I don't let it out anywhere my friend L gets an earful on the phone, my husband gets lectures about parabens  and my sleep suffers.  I should have been blogging about all of this craziness so I will try to find some time to do just that.  Hello blog world, I am back - again.     

Back at it

Today I am going backwards... in a good way.  You see before we moved I had been doing really well with finding time for the important stuff, things like having a daily quiet time, working out, logging my food (which is the only way I can eat healthy - otherwise I magically forget that I just had a piece of chocolate and proceed to eat another one) then we moved and everything just sort of stopped.  I got back to my daily quiet time pretty quickly but the working out and eating well was another story.  The kids were perpetually sick which meant no childcare at the gym for them which meant riding the bike in the basement (which I loathe) and we were cooped up.  I don't like winter.  At first I love boots and sweaters and then about two weeks in to it, I am over it.  Well, winter is almost done and I feel mentally better than I have in a while.  A little sunshine does that for me.  So, now I am going back to what is important.  FYI - clean floors do not make that list but games of Candyland with Emelia do.  Dust free bookshelves do not make the list but puzzles with Sam do.  Gourmet meals do not make the list but healthy choices in the crock pot do.   Frankly I am sick of focusing on what is not getting done and I am going to focus on what is getting done.  Yes world I am on it today!  The memory verse I have selected for this week is this.  1Corinthians 6: 19-20 "Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God?  You are not your own, you were bought at a price.  Therefore, honor God with your body."  Jeff is gone this week so I have the chance to surrender everything and rely solely on God's abundant power through me.  (I also have the chance to have cereal from breakfast every night.)   I am taking God up on both offers!

HGTV Overdose

I am sick.  I mean really sick.  I was a little sniffly yesterday but today I am miserable.  God bless my husband who not only watched the kids but did the laundry and vacuumed. 

When he got home yesterday we had a great talk and he is really stressed out.  I am so glad I wrote on my blog yesterday because it really helped me work through my issues.  It helped me to focus on the truths and supress the lies.  Wow, it sort of sounds like voices in my head weird stuff but it isn't like that.  You know though how when you are grumpy it just sort of snowballs in to this ball of junk.  I put my ball of junk down though.

Having stayed in bed all day I watched a ton of HGTV.  I can actually say that I am over it.  I am on to the Screen Actor's Guild Awards.  I am watching the red carpet - LOVE it!  This Ross Mathews guy is just too much.  I need him to go away.  Okay, I get the gay sidekick for the lovely red carpet host but oy, he is just over the top.  Now for cup of hot tea and then back to bed.  Hoping I feel better tomorrow.

Already Struggling

This is the first official weekend of the MBA program.  Jeff has already been to ND for one week at the beginning of the month but this is the first of the "every other weekend" thing.  I am already struggling.  I have this awful feeling of why are we doing this.  In the past whenever we have embarked on something really difficult (by choice) it has been with a very tangible outcome to look forward to.  The best comparison I have is moving.  The trouble with this whole MBA thing is I can not see what the outcome is other than some serious student loans and a piece of paper.  If I am objective (tough at this moment) then I can see that it offers Jeff more options for advancement in the future and makes him more marketable.  Great, then, tough to "look forward to" right now. 

Jeff left Friday morning at 5:45 am and will probably be home around 6:30 Saturday.  In the mean time Emelia is sick and "wants her daddy" and woke up multiple times last night.  It just stinks.  I want to be supportive and I know that I am being selfish.  Unfortunately that knowledge does not stop the feelings of what is in this for me or our family?  It sounds terrible even as I write it.  I want to not feel that way.  The only thing I can do is pray about it and work on it.  Maybe once we are "used" to it it will not be so bad.  Maybe when it is spring or summer it will not be so bad.  I miss Jeff but mostly I miss our daddy because he is a bigger help than I often give him credit for.

I really do want to not be this way and I am trying to not let my feeling cloud my behavior.  It is not like Jeff loves being away from his family, I know that to be true.  Maybe that is what I need to focus on.  What do I know to be true about the situation?

1. Jeff loves us and would not do this if he did not think it was in the best interest of our family.
2. Jeff does not enjoy being away from us and will not ever be away more than he feels is necessary.
3. Jeff is also struggling with this situation and is trying to find his footing.
4. We are a family that was created by God and He put this opportunity in Jeff's path and after praying about it we decided this was what God wanted for us so if I believe it is God's will than it should be my will as well.
5. I love Jeff and he loves me and he works hard for our family both at work and at home.

What is not a lie that I am telling myself?
1. Jeff doesn't care about me.
2. This is more than I can handle.
3. This is selfish of Jeff.
4. Jeff is off gallivanting all over downtown Chicago getting smarter as I sit home with the kids getting dumber by the minute.
5. There is nothing in this for me or the kids except sacrifice.

I recently heard a message by Andy Stanley and he said giving something up now for something better in the future is not a sacrifice, it is an investment.  I will choose to look at this as an investment in Jeff and our future.  Here's hoping I can talk myself out of the lies and in to the truth.

Not to be

Jeff got me a new iPod for Christmas.  My old iPod was beganing to fade.  So I finally got the new one out and set it up yesterday.  I spent two hours making new play lists to run.  I downloaded a bunch of music and I was super pumped to finally get back to the gym and run.  (I have felt crummy the last two weeks and managed to get to Yoga but I just didn't have the energy to run.)

I got up early and got ready and got everyone else ready.  I dropped Emelia off at school and headed for the gym, where I found the driveway blocked by police cars.  Apparently there was a chemical spill in the poolhouse and the gym was evacuated.  Are you kidding me?  I downloaded music!  I made a play list entitled Run Forest Run!  I hooked up my Nike iPod running gizmo!  Alas, it was not to be so I came home and colored my hair instead.  Before you tell me to run outside I will tell you that it was a breezy 20 degrees outside this morning.   So no, I did not even consider running outside.

The Move Melt Down

Usually when we move I have a melt down sometime in the first three months after we move.  Usually it comes at a time when I am frustrated by something I can't find which triggers a "why did we move here" moment which is typically followed by a "I don't have any friends" moment.  The whole thing usually culminates in a phone call to Jeff where I talk about how much I "hate it here" and he feels bad then I feel bad and then I cry and then we talk it through and that is that.  (I tend toward the dramatic and I have no internal processor for my feelings which is a terrible combination.)

The thing is, I like it here, a lot.  I like Batavia, I like our house.  The people have been amazingly nice.  The Target pharmacist called the other day to see how Sam was doing with his antibiotic.  The Target pharmacist in Omaha never made that call.  The urgent care doctor called today to see how I was feeling after seeing me in ten minutes flat yesterday.  I mean really?    And yet, I can feel the melt down coming on.  Maybe it is less of a melt down and more of a softening, like when you leave butter out for a recipe, it still holds it's shape, but subject it to the pressure of a hand mixer and it turns in to a lump.

Jeff is out of town and Sam has been sick and then I got sick and now it is snowing.  None of this is extraordinary but combined it just makes me long for people.  People that really know me.  Not the moms at preschool that I comb my hair for or the ladies from Bible study that I chew gum to hide my coffee breath from, but real friends who laugh when I tell them I have not brushed my teeth today and commiserate when I tell them the sound of my son following me around yelling "maaaa" makes me feel like I am being chased by a deranged billy goat.  I am tired and PMSed and still a little sick and well, I want my mommy

I am trying to stave off the melt down wish me luck.  Now back to my billy goat, my baby girl some popcorn and Cars.

The Kitchen

The kitchen is coming along.  The cabinets are done we are waiting on pulls.  Of course the inexpensive nice ones I found online are backordered until February.  Whatever!  We will get new countertops when we save up the money this spring sometime and then a backsplash sometime in the next year.  Jeff painted the kitchen last weekend and it looks great so the backsplash is a little less important but I do want some bling still.   : )
Here are pics from the next round of changes and then I will post pics of the finished cabinets which look amazing!

 They took all the doors and drawers to refinish them at their shop.  They took out the non-working microwave above the stove and they tore up the soffitt and pulled it back to just above the cabinets.

 We did end up replacing the lighting this round instead of waiting because it was much less expensive since the wires were all exposed because the soffitt was open.

 The lighting made such a difference, I came in and started crying.  The kitchen looked so beautiful even without drawers and doors.

 This is Sam and Emelia's favorite morning activity, cuddling on the couch, it is pretty sweet till she steals the blanket or he pushes her off the couch.

This about sums up our effort to take a family Christmas picture.  It totally makes me laugh, I love it!

Life's Instruction Manual

Ever since I can remember I have said that I wish life came with an instruction manual.  As my faith life increased I stopped saying that because people would say, "it does, it is called the Bible."  I would think that is great if you are a pastor but what about for regular old me.  Lately as I have been having quiet time and particularly as I have been reading this week I have realized it is for regular old me as well. 

Twice this week as I have read Mathew I have come across verses I am very familiar with but the preceding or following verse I was not familiar with and they were the instruction manual.  It was truly a Eureka moment for me.  On Monday I was looking at Mathew 6:34 (which was the verse I picked in eighth grade for my confirmation verse, yes folks I was a worrier even way back then.) It says, "Do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day has enough trouble of it's own."  I know the verse by heart, great!  But verse 33 tells us exactly how to do that.  It says "But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things will be provided for you.  You see God tells us not to worry, (great let's see how well that works.)  But then he tells us what to do instead.  This is awesome, I love being told what to do - sometimes.  : )

Then today I was struck by Mathew 17: 20-21.  You know, the old faith like a mustard seed verse.  "..For I assure you : If you have faith the size of a mustard seed you will tell this mountain "Move from here to there" and it will move, nothing will be impossible for you. " Now here is the kicker in verse 21.  "However this kind of faith does not come out except by prayer and fasting."  You see, here is the instruction on how to get that mountain-moving faith.  I love it! 

Now my prayer is that I hear the word, know the word, understand the word and DO the word.  Finally an instruction manual for the rest of us. 

Oopsie

Well is looks like I did not achieve my goal of writing in my blog more in 2010.  In fact I actually wrote in my blog less in 2010.  I think I skipped entire months.  You see I did not foresee this move.  2010 was supposed to be the year of nothing, well that did not happen.  I don't suspect it will happen in 2011 either.  : )

Jeff officially starts his MBA program through Notre Dame on January 10.  That means every other weekend he will spend Friday and Saturday at their downtown Chicago campus.  He will also probably need to devote anywhere from 15-25 hours a week to studying on top of the 32 hours each month he will physically be in class.  This is a pretty daunting prospect for us.  Jeff has always been very good at work life balance but he is also great at giving me time away from everyone and everything.  Maybe I am spoiled or selfish but I also know I am a better mom for having some time with no one NEEDING me at that very moment.  It looks like some of that time is going to have to give because we don't want to sacrifice family time.  We will see what that looks like when the time comes.

Since about the beginning of November I have been waking up around six and having 30-45 minutes of quiet time with God before the kids get up.  It has been really nice.  God really reveals things to me through his word in that time.  I was doing a devotional/Bible study from Beth Moore called Jesus: the one and only but I finished that so I have just been reading the gospels.  I started with John and am now doing Mathew.  Today the verse that really stuck out to me was Mathew 11:28-30.  "Come to me all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest.  All of you take up my yoke and learn from me for I am gentle and humble of heart and you will find rest for yourselves.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." 

It is funny because last night Sam and Emelia were both having trouble sleeping.  I slept about five hours on Sunday night because Sam was up and then slept well Monday night but woke up feeling terrible.  I was so hoping to go to be early last night but just as I turned off the light Emelia woke up with a night terror.  They are so scary, she cries and screams and thrashes but is not awake and then just as abruptly as it started it ends.  So she went back to bed then Sam woke up and was up for two and a half hours.  Normally we are advocates of letting him cry it out because he will usually go to sleep and sleep really well once he wears himself out but my dad and Nancy are visiting so I didn't want to wake them.  It was rough.  You would think he was asleep and then he would start up again.  I was reciting this verse in my head.  Come to me all you who are weary (I was sooo weary) and burdened (at that point I felt very burdened) and I will give you rest.  (God, maybe you could start with the kids and then I could get rest.)

The funny thing is I could not remember what the reference was.  I thought it was in Mathew but I wasn't sure then God being the sweet one that he is showed it to me today as I read.  Thank you Lord for giving me rest for my weary soul and even for my weary body.   Yoga class here I come - if Sam isn't sick that is.   

Things to Remember about Today

I ran six miles today.  I would have never thought I could run that far or for that long.  It was the strangest thing.  Sam has had a cold so I have not been able to go to the gym in a little over a week.  The last time I went to the gym Emelia had been sick so I had not been for a week before that either. Last week it was really tough for me to run.  I walked two laps to warm up (six laps is a mile), ran a mile, walked two laps, ran a mile etc. until I had walked one mile and run three. Today I walked my two warm up laps and started to run and figured I would try to run four miles.  I got to three and said, I can do five.  Then I got close to four and said I wonder if  I can do six.  I just sort of hit a zone.  It was awesome.  When I stopped I walked a lap and felt drunk.  I was dizzy and weaving and tired.  It was crazy, I thought man I should have just kept running.  I felt like Forest Gump.

Oh, and Sam said Please.  It was also awesome.  

Cowboys and Princesses

I have not posted pictures for awhile so here are a few.  Some are from Halloween and some are to chronicle the kitchen process.  I will put updated kitchen pics up soon but this is where we started.

Our little princess... she was worried her teachers would not recognize her as Emelia since she looked so much like Princess Aurora.

They had a parade at preschool, she loved it!

So did Sam!

This is her class, the little girl dressed as Curious George was so cute, her older sister in the next class up was the Man with Yellow Hat.

Sam has loved Woody since we went to Disneyland.  I actually found the costume at the Goodwill, yes it was unopened and from this year but missing the hat and boots (Target donated it!) , I just bought those separately.  He was so excited and loves his boots.

Trying to get them both looking at the camera and not doing something silly at the same time is nearly impossible.

 Sam wanted to take the hat on and off more than wear it so eventually I gave up.

Emelia was pretty unsure about this house but there was a sweet old man on the other side of the grim reaper.  

 Sam showing off his loot

 This is the kitchen when we bought the fridge was huge so it really cut in to the traffic flow on that side of the room.  The stove had two burners and the other side was a grill (apparently very top of the line Jenn-Air 20 years ago.)  The microwave didn't work.  The soffit hungover the cabinets by about a foot and was painted dark green so it felt like you were cooking in a cave. 

We have gotten new appliances which was awesome!  They all came from the Sears Outlet and were 40-60% below resale because they were scratched or dented in some way.  I so don't care!  We have been so blessed to find really good deals and really good contractors to help us.  The electrician was here yesterday and it turns out he goes to our church!  They took down the giant fluorescent light and the cans in the soffit were already gone so they put in two pendents and some recessed lights.  When I came home from the grocery store and saw the results I literally cried.  The kitchen looked so beautiful even with no cabinets or drawers and a huge hole in the wall.  I can't wait to see when it is all done.

Content

Once again I find that so much time has passed since my last post.  Part of that is that we are working on the house and I think I spend every spare Internet minute looking at light fixtures or curtains or something like that.  I truly have purchased (and returned) three sets of drapes for the dining room before deciding on the ones I actually hung.  The sad part is once I got them up I really wished I had kept the first pair which I loved but really did not work with the room once we painted it. 

We found a lovely couple who have a small business refinishing cabinets and doing some carpentry work.  We have hired them to work on the kitchen.  They tore out the gigantic overhanging soffit and it already feels so much more open.  Currently the doors and drawers are at their shop being worked on which means you can see every sippy, every glass and every princess plate in my cabinets.  It also means that my silverware is in a box, my utensils are in another box and so on.  I am not complaining though, it is going to look great when we are all done and it is about 1/4 the cost of new cabinets.  We are going to have to wait and do the countertops and backsplash (oh yes, I will have a glass tile backsplash) in the spring but I can't wait to see the finished product. 

The crazy thing is even with all this chaos going on I feel really happy right now.  More than happy, I feel content.  The other night I was putting Sam to bed and after we read and I sang to him I just sat rocking him in the dark for a few minutes and I thought,  I want to remember this moment.  At 7:33 p.m. on November 14 2010 I felt content with my world.   I have not lost that extra ten pounds and I need my hair colored (badly I might add).  My kitchen is a crazy mess.  My bedroom curtains are being hung up by nails right now and you could feed a child with the crumbs that are in the folds of the chair I am sitting in (stinkin' graham crackers) but I am content.   I am not saying that none of that stuff matters or that I wouldn't like to eventually have curtain rods and a crumb free chair, but I have finally come to terms with the fact that none of that will provide contentment because it is very temporary.  My relationship with Jesus and his love for me and my love for Him is really the only thing out there that isn't temporary.  I have a hard time talking about my faith with people outside of my church (or past church) circles but as I was thinking about this the other day, I realized that the nicest thing I could do for anyone is to tell them about Jesus and how He has changed my life.  It is tough because you feel like maybe you will be judged by people or people will think you are weird or crazy but really even if they do so what.  It is not even really about the "eternal" implications of heaven and hell, it is about making it through this world.  It is about  knowing that someone who knows EVERYTHING about you and where you have been and what you have done LOVES you anyway.  When my mom died one of the things I struggled with most was feeling like no one would love me unconditionally.  When my mom found out I was having sex at 16 she was not happy and we had some serious talks but she loved me even though I disappointed her.  When I got in a car accident that was totally my fault, she loved me anyway.  It took awhile for me to really come to terms with the fact that Jesus loves me unconditionally even though he knows not just the public acts, but the private ones too.  This is the source of my contentment.  I can't guarantee that I will never feel discontent again and I still struggle with all kinds of things (not the least of which is my desire for perfection) but I know that righting any of the "wrongs" in my life will not fill me up only Jesus can do that.

Phewww

I have not posted for quite some time because life has been crazy!  On July 14 Jeff came home from his annual review and said well my boss wants to know if we want to go to Naperville.  Conagra has an office in Naperville and Jeff had jokingly brought up the idea of him working from there because he was anxious to get back to a larger city.  So we came to Naperville to see if we could even afford to make the move.  We decided we could, it would be a stretch but we could get through.  And here we sit two months later writing this post from our house in Batavia Illinois just outside of Naperville.  What a whirlwind. 

God has been amazing throughout this whole thing.  We were able to sell our house before we even put it on the market.  We had a tough time finding a house out here but we feel like we are in the right house.  We are settling in.  Emelia started preschool, I found the Target, we are moving right along. 

Now to just take a deep breath and take it all in.